Relationship Challenged

[DawnDaly]

I'm a long time lurker but i've decided to come out of the shadows because you folks seem like you would be full of good advice for a relationship challenged individual like myself.

Here's my situation... Lately, I'd been kind of seeing this guy. Even though he treated me like crap, only agreeing to see me when it was good for him, never calling me back, etc, I was totally falling for him. Then I went to this New Years party that I knew he was going to, and that he knew I was going to. Low and behold he shows up with his girlfriend that I did not know existed. Apparently they'd been together the whole time we'd been seeing each other. I got the usual, "I'm sorry, we've been together a long time and its just complicated" and when I asked him why he didn't tell me before I had to witness them together he just said that it was too hard. Apparently she knew about me, I was just the only one out of the loop. Even though I hate the fact that I was "the other girl" and he's been nothing but horrible to me, I just can't shake the fact that I still like him and even though I KNOW he's completely wrong for me he's the only person I really want to be with right now. I think part of my problem is that usually it's me that blows off guys when i know they like me and having a guy blow me off isn't sitting right. Any advice on how to get over a guy that is obviously a jerk but you're oddly attracted to anyways?

[Amy Lee]

Are you effing kidding me, Lambikins? Hug your friend, she's got moretroubles then i imagined . Acting the way she did wont get her anywhere if she wants a genuinely good relationship. Yikes!

Any advice on how to get over a guy that is obviously a jerk but you're oddly attracted to anyways?

You answered your own question. He's a jerk and obviously didn't care about you if he treated you like that. The only question you've got left to answer is, who do you like better, him or you?

Hugs, my darlin'

[lambikins]

I'm a long time lurker but i've decided to come out of the shadows because you folks seem like you would be full of good advice for a relationship challenged individual like myself.

Welcome, DawnDaly!!! Glad that you came out of the shadows and onto the board to post. Hope you hang around and join the other fun people here.

I think part of my problem is that usually it's me that blows off guys when i know they like me and having a guy blow me off isn't sitting right. Any advice on how to get over a guy that is obviously a jerk but you're oddly attracted to anyways?

Well, I don't quite know what to say to the above. Truthfully, it's not a question about a relationship; rather it's a question about hurt pride. It sounds like you enjoy "playing the field" and the fact that the player got "played" is what's upsetting you. This isn't a question of healing or therapy or moving on, it's a statement about what drives you in relationships.

Mind you, if two people are on the same page regarding what they need in a "hook-up", than all is cool. Some people just date for the endorphins that kick in with each new person they meet and when a degree of normalcy begins to sprout, they move on. These people are "serial daters" and will be until the day they die or think that they are "losing their edge", at which point they settle for a person that they probably would have cast to the side of the road previously, but now looks like a good 'catch' for financial or stability purposes.

To me, the fact that this guy treated you like a jerk and you not only stood for it but came back for more, tells me that you weren't so much interested in a healthy relationship but were more enchanted with him not falling head over heels for you, which is probably the way that most men treat you. Then, finding out that there was another woman all along simply hurt your pride.

There's nothing to really get "over" here, DawnDaly. Just return to the style of dating that satisfied you before this guy and your opinion of yourself will return.

Sometimes, there are fish that 'get-away', no matter what kind of bait you use.

[Stargazer]

Sometimes, there are fish that 'get-away', no matter what kind of bait you use.

That's so true, lambi. You're actually lucky if they do "get away", though. What's worse is to "catch" one of those guys and have them give you *just* enough attention to string you along for a year, or five years, or ten years. Just let him go, Dawn. That's one relationship you need to make sure doesn't happen. Not one you want to keep pursuing.

[queenb]

That's so true, lambi. You're actually lucky if they do "get away", though. What's worse is to "catch" one of those guys and have them give you *just* enough attention to string you along for a year, or five years, or ten years. Just let him go, Dawn. That's one relationship you need to make sure doesn't happen. Not one you want to keep pursuing.

No doubt, and on top of that, if you did happen to get "lucky" enough to actually catch him, I'd be willing to bet that within three months he would have at least one other secret girlfriend that he sees all the time,plus whatever random hookups he can manage. As Stargazer says, that's what guys like this do. I was unlucky enough to be caught up with one of these weasels too, for about 6 years, when I finally got smart and got the cojones to tell him I was not going to do this anymore. It's just not worth anyone's time to put up with this crap! Just count yourself lucky that you have not YET got any strange diseases or worse!

[lambikins]

No doubt, and on top of that, if you did happen to get "lucky" enough to actually catch him, I'd be willing to bet that within three months he would have at least one other secret girlfriend that he sees all the time,plus whatever random hookups he can manage. As Stargazer says, that's what guys like this do. I was unlucky enough to be caught up with one of these weasels too, for about 6 years, when I finally got smart and got the cojones to tell him I was not going to do this anymore. It's just not worth anyone's time to put up with this crap! Just count yourself lucky that you have not YET got any strange diseases or worse!

Good for YOU, queenb! I'm sure it was hard but you sound like NO ONE is going to do that to you, any more!

[DawnDaly]

Thanks for the advice. You've been really helpful to me. I've never really been in a relationship before (I'm 22) and while what you said DOES kinda sound like me, its not how I WANT to be. I know I'm picky when it comes to guys, and its not like I'm blowing guys off all the time. My problem is the guys that I want don't want me, only the ones i'm not interested in do. Not much to choose from where I live. I tell myself that i'm refusing to settle for someone who i'm less then 100% crazy about, but maybe I'm just not giving them a chance? And I'm really shy, so that makes meeting guys a pain. Why couldn't these things be easy? haha Sorry for rambling on again, I did really appreciate the advice

[queenb]

Thanks for the advice. I tell myself that i'm refusing to settle for someone who i'm less then 100% crazy about, but maybe I'm just not giving them a chance?

Why not try just dating a few of these 'less interesting' guys. You don't have to jump headfirst into a long relationship, just give they guys a chance or two. Remember, some men are kind of shy too, the way you say you are, so their good qualities might not be so apparent up front. You might be surprised , and at any rate it will get your mind off the crumb you've been fooling around with!

Good for YOU, queenb! I'm sure it was hard but you sound like NO ONE is going to do that to you, any more!

Oh you got that right, lambikins! If I could tell you my whole relationship history, it would make your wool go flat!

[lambikins]

Thanks for the advice. You've been really helpful to me. I've never really been in a relationship before (I'm 22) and while what you said DOES kinda sound like me, its not how I WANT to be.[/b]

Hi, DawnDaly. I'm glad that you didn't take offense to the strong advice that several posters, including myself, gave you. I had NO idea, from your original post that you were so young and had never been in a relationship before. From your statement "I think part of my problem is that usually it's me that blows off guys when i know they like me and having a guy blow me off isn't sitting right.", it sounded like you were older, like 28+ and that you had an established pattern of "blowing off guys."

It's also good that you don't want to be perceived or known as what you referred to up above. I'm not sure which part of anyone's posts you're referring to, but it sounds like you want to be known for being a better person than a "[mod edit]teaser". That's good.

I know I'm picky when it comes to guys, and its not like I'm blowing guys off all the time. My problem is the guys that I want don't want me, only the ones i'm not interested in do. Not much to choose from where I live. I tell myself that i'm refusing to settle for someone who i'm less then 100% crazy about, but maybe I'm just not giving them a chance? And I'm really shy, so that makes meeting guys a pain. Why couldn't these things be easy? haha Sorry for rambling on again, I did really appreciate the advice

Being picky is GOOD and refusing to settle is also very, very good. It means that you place a "value" on yourself that you're unwilling to compromise. I don't know what is keeping you in your small town (school/job/family) but if you have the interest or means to move to another area, you might be pleasantly surprised with how many men you find that are interested in you! The problem with small towns (I grew up in one) is that if you are unique, you might be under-appreciated. It took me moving to Chicago to find like minded individuals that would think I was "cool" and not "weird".

Twenty-two is still plenty young to grow and develop and work on yourself, so you become even more of who you are to be. Hold out for someone that you would wish on your BEST friend and don't settle for anything less. With each date, you learn what you like and don't like. Regarding "why couldn't these things be easy?", I'm assuming you're talking about dating. Would it be as fun, though, if it were that easy? Wouldn't it be a tad boring, if you found the "one true love of your life" at 18 and never knew anyone else til the day you died? I'm glad for all of my experiences and my marriages and divorces for they taught me valuable lessons and brought me to the loving arms of my sweetie today.

Enjoy your young years, your few tears and the journey in finding you.

[lambikins]

Oh you got that right, lambikins! If I could tell you my whole relationship history, it would make your wool go flat!

Lambi is going to be losing sheep....er....sleep over the possibility of "flat" wool!