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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #1011
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    I have decided that there is no way he is coming back (if at all) unless he sees a counsellor. He won't at the moment, so ...
    I'm not sure what I want. I'd like him to snap out of it and be the man he can be, but if that doesn't happen I'm not willing to go back to the man he lets himself be (distant, verbally abusive). I feel like there are a number of potential partners out there for me, he's not The Only One. Used to be, but he's screwed that concept for me.
    He keeps reiterating that he will "probably come back in a few months" and I've got to say it annoys the hell out of me that he presumes he can. I keep pointing out that might not happen (that is I might say no), and he says "I know", but I don't know how much he has truly taken it on board. I'm going for counselling today (and a lawyer), so we'll see how that goes.

    My husband, too, has started showing an interest in family activities. A little late, ahem. I just don't know why he would want to come with us, I think he's getting nostalgic for the family or something. I hope it's not a control thing; me waiting at home is a good picture, but if I engage with the outside world then he'd better chase after me. Who knows? I just pictured the holiday as a way to lighten our hearts (me and kids), but if he comes I'll feel I have to try and keep the kids on ultra-good behaviour (as always) to avoid upsetting the big kid. I'll have to be ultra-careful about what I say so that I'm not "presuming" anything (one of my major crimes apparently). It would be exhausting to have him along as I don't trust him anymore. It'll make me the bad guy to him though, and I wish I'd never mentioned it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he'd want to come. Drat.
    I don't know for sure about your guy but my ex was so I guess self-centered? that he thought threatening to kill me if I didn't come back would get me to come back and play nice. Maybe your guy thinks you are so weak and, whatever that you will be lost and pine for him if he is awway. I think you are doing the right thing. As always, good luck.
    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
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  2. #1012
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PGM35 View Post
    Thanks for all your input! I figured that I would be going without him when I posted, I guess I just wanted affirmation on my decision. He doesn't mind me going without him and he doesn't expect me to stay home with him just b/c he doesn't want to go. It's like what gabriel said, it's just not something he wants to do. As for shaking things up, not going to happen. Like I said, creature of habit if there EVER was one.
    Enjoy!
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  3. #1013
    giz
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    Thought I'd update. Saw a lawyer, she was great; she didn't even bill me! (She will if I have to see her again, then she'll bill for 2 sessions). I took her a Visa bill I'd purloined and she took one look and said "It's all about the drinking isn't it!?"

    Well, it's also about him turning all uncomfortable emotion into anger - sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed by responsibility - everything makes him mad. He's found a place, and since he paid for it he seems to be feeling better. Yesterday we had an astounding 3 conversations! More than we've had in months and months. About his feelings, mine, what lies at the root of our problems, and science and god. He does have opinions and can express them without sneering. So that's good to know. I've made a counselling appointment for Monday (yesterday he said he'd come and today he says maybe). At the moment I think both that there may be someone I'd be more compatible with emotionally, and that I'd like us to work things out if possible. I think we owe it to the kids and to each other, as we've been together so long. I'm going to try not to hang any hopes on it if I can avoid it. He has significant shaping up to do before I'd agree to him coming home. He wants to come for dinner every Friday, take care of the kids when I'm working and if I got sick (though I've said no thanks to the if I got sick scenario, I can do flu without him). He wants to see them Saturdays and says he could even sleep on the sofa some nights. (Uh, no). His latest clever idea was just to tell them he was getting an office downtown (works from home), and that he might sleep there sometimes. They aren't that daft (well the older one isn't),but is says to me he isn't burning any bridges. He said to me, "you're not burning any bridges are you? I don't want to think this is the end for us." He keeps reiterating that he wants to be there for the kids and for me. Of course he may change his mind a hundred times between now and tomorrow, but at least his intent sometimes is to do the right thing. Still not sure what I think, just muddling through.

    He thinks he's having a midlife crisis. I think that's a good half of it (and can date it back to a woman in a shop assuming he was our son's grandad - and he was 44 at the time). The other half is his parents fought all the time, his dad bullied his mum and he never learned how to handle negative emotions. Also he drinks to muffle all that. So there's a lot to be worked on (and I would prefer a man without all that baggage), but it is possible. I've just got to decided over the next few months if it's desirable.
    Last edited by giz; 12-13-2005 at 04:11 PM.

  4. #1014
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    Thought I'd update. Saw a lawyer, she was great; she didn't even bill me! (She will if I have to see her again, then she'll bill for 2 sessions). I took her a Visa bill I'd purloined and she took one look and said "It's all about the drinking isn't it!?"

    Well, it's also about him turning all uncomfortable emotion into anger - sadness, frustration, feeling overwhelmed by responsibility - everything makes him mad. He's found a place, and since he paid for it he seems to be feeling better. Yesterday we had an astounding 3 conversations! More than we've had in months and months. About his feelings, mine, what lies at the root of our problems, and science and god. He does have opinions and can express them without sneering. So that's good to know. I've made a counselling appointment for Monday (yesterday he said he'd come and today he says maybe). At the moment I think both that there may be someone I'd be more compatible with emotionally, and that I'd like us to work things out if possible. I think we owe it to the kids and to each other, as we've been together so long. I'm going to try not to hang any hopes on it if I can avoid it. He has significant shaping up to do before I'd agree to him coming home. He wants to come for dinner every Friday, take care of the kids when I'm working and if I got sick (though I've said no thanks to the if I got sick scenario, I can do flu without him). He wants to see them Saturdays and says he could even sleep on the sofa some nights. (Uh, no). His latest clever idea was just to tell them he was getting an office downtown (works from home), and that he might sleep there sometimes. They aren't that daft (well the older one isn't),but is says to me he isn't burning any bridges. He said to me, "you're not burning any bridges are you? I don't want to think this is the end for us." He keeps reiterating that he wants to be there for the kids and for me. Of course he may change his mind a hundred times between now and tomorrow, but at least his intent sometimes is to do the right thing. Still not sure what I think, just muddling through.
    Sounds like you are trying to do the best you can in a difficult situation and doing a GREAT job of it if I do say so myself! It sounds like you know what you want/expect from him so stick to your guns and make sure you think things through. It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into waiting on him to get around to letting You know what to do with YOUR life but I don't see you falling for any of that! Stay srtong!!
    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
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  5. #1015
    Obama '08! Callie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallieCutie View Post
    I apologize in advance for the long post I'm about to make. I just need to talk to someone about this without telling me "just get over it Callie... he's bad for you anyways".

    To start off on my story:my friend Sarah called me a lil while ago telling me about how our friend Cullen was telling her about my ex-boyfriend's wedding. Cullen even showed her the wedding announcement.

    Well when she told me this... this kind of perked up my ears and I did the dreaded thing that ever girl has done before. I googled my ex-boyfriend's name and found the wedding announcement.

    Now lemme give you the background story. My ex (who's name will rename anonymous) and I were together for 3 years, and then he proposed to me. I ended up saying no (not because I didn't love him or want to be with him... but because it was just the wrong time for me. I wasn't able to plan a wedding, be in med school, and move out to where he lived all at the same time). So we agreed to continue to date, but not get married. Well a month later he started acting weird, and anyways long story short, he ended up cheating on me, with guess who: yeah... the woman he just married.

    So... through this past year (yeah... its only been a year and hes marrying her!!!) I've found out that she has the engagement ring that he proposed to ME with... and then I just read their announcement thing tonight saying they honeymooned in Aruba (where him and I vacationed at THREE times!!).

    I'm over the relationship and I know it's not meant to be, so why does it still bother me. Why is my heart aching, even though I know that I don't want to be with him?! Why am I crying?
    UPDATE:

    The ****** is suing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yeah.. we lived together our senior year of college, and now he's suing me. Says I owe him half of 12 months rent! Also saying that half of my TV and furniture is his too! Which is complete crap! We made an agreement that he pay all of rent, and I pay groceries, utilities, etc. ARGH!

    I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!!!

    Why did I ever cry over this jerk?!

  6. #1016
    Come Along, Pond phat32's Avatar
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    Wow. I'm not even sure what to say. I'm sorry, CallieCutie.

    If there's one thing I've learned, not that it would give you a lot of comfort at this point: After a breakup, all the gloves come off, and it's no holds barred.

    Mixed metaphors aside, here's a little comfort for you: . I know it doesn't mean much, but you have my sympathy (and empathy).
    "...Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things donít always soften the bad things, but...the bad things donít always spoil the good things." - The Doctor

  7. #1017
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Counter-sue for the ring. I'm not a lawyer, but if he ended the relationship by cheating on you, I believe that most of the time you're entitled to ring. Then he'll be revealed as a jerk to his wife AND have to give you the ring or the money for it.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  8. #1018
    Amethyst Amy Lee's Avatar
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    Do what stargazer says. Good luck.
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  9. #1019
    Obama '08! Callie's Avatar
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    I don't want that ring. Plus it was never even mine (I said no to his proposal, even though we agreed to continue dating).

    A friend of mine is a lawyer, and she's telling me to counter sue for emotional damage and for frivilous lawsuit. I'm thinking about it...

    Ugh... I HATE HIM! I want the absolute worst things in life to happen to him!

  10. #1020
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    This happened to a girlfriend of my sister. One thing she did was ask several of her friends what they recall of the agreement and what did they recall her owning before she moved in with the guy. Three of her friends (including my sister) recalled that he was very outspoken about what a wonderful guy he was to allow her to live there rent free while she was getting her degree. How he got her a nice desk set to go with her computer and asked one of her friends "don't you wish you had a nice boyfriend like me, look at what you would be getting as a gift."

    He walked away from his suit (half the rent and all the furnture saying it was all his and she had stolan it. ) with having to pay court costs and her lawyer fee.

    Do you have recipets or check's from paying utilities? Do you have pictures or recipts proving you had the TV and furnature prior to moving in or after moving out? Did you get some as hand me downs from friends or relatives? Do they have pictures of the items in their homes?

    Good luck, I'm sure the reason he is being an jerk is he is short of money, but still. Just proves even with a boyfriend you need a written agreement of how you chose divide the expenses when living together.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

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