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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #1001
    giz
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    Going the catty route just gets me in trouble, and makes it hard to stay calm for the kids, so I might Think that, but I won't say it! I did say it was to cheer the kids up, but I guess he thinks this is a fun thing, and he wants to do fun things. He's not so keen on day to day stuff, but holidays? Sign me up. I think I'll leave the subject alone probably, and tell him before I'm ready to take them if I do. I don't want him to get it into his crazy head that I'm trying to exclude him, but it would be mega-uncomfortable to go together. (I suppose it would be good for him to see we can have fun together as a family, but it's too early for me, and furthermore I don't want to feel like I'm having to sell the "family experience" package, I just want me and the kids to do something fun together to lighten our hearts a little).

  2. #1002
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    Going the catty route just gets me in trouble, and makes it hard to stay calm for the kids, so I might Think that, but I won't say it! I did say it was to cheer the kids up, but I guess he thinks this is a fun thing, and he wants to do fun things. He's not so keen on day to day stuff, but holidays? Sign me up. I think I'll leave the subject alone probably, and tell him before I'm ready to take them if I do. I don't want him to get it into his crazy head that I'm trying to exclude him, but it would be mega-uncomfortable to go together. (I suppose it would be good for him to see we can have fun together as a family, but it's too early for me, and furthermore I don't want to feel like I'm having to sell the "family experience" package, I just want me and the kids to do something fun together to lighten our hearts a little).
    Yeah, that's why I said it was probably bad but thought at least you might crack a smile. I think maybe waiting till closer to time and then seeing what happens is a good idea. I understand your position. I wouldn't want to go on a family vacation with my ex after a year apart. He hasn't even spoken to me. His mother ( who he lives with ) picks up and drops off the boys ( cause I had to get a restraining order ( long story ) ANYHOO! other than calling me at work to threaten to kill me if I didn't go back to him (HOW ROMANTIC!!) he hasn't spoken to me at all. I really could care less. He is 1000% better with the kids now and they are all that matters to me. I wish I could give you some great al knowing swami advice but really it sounds like you've pretty much got it as under control as you can. well, good luck and enjoy the "nice hubby" while it lasts.

    Just hang in there.
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  3. #1003
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    I think I know the answer to my situation but needed to vent or get other thoughts on this anyway if anyone has an opinion.

    I was invited to a party on Sat for a Holiday thing. These guys missed throwing their big Halloween party so they are making up for it for Xmas. Well, I assumed - wrongly I'm afraid - that my b/f would want to go to this with me. We have no other plans so I thought, great, a thing to go to. He doesn't. Now he is NOT saying that I CAN'T go but I really don't want to go singly since I am in a relationship and that means we are a couple and I want to have fun there with my friends, with him and not have to explain where he is which they will all ask. He says it's not his idea of fun, they aren't "his" friends, and he has no intention of going. Like I said, he wouldn't mind if I went without him. I am just peeved that he won't do this for me. It's not like I planned to stay all night - I told him I thought we'd show for a while and then leave. No. Oh well, I guess I should be happy that he's not making other plans for himself that night - he just expects me to not want to go without him and to end up going out with him on Sat night. Which we always do, he is such a creature of habit. Sigh, I just really wanted to hang with old friends and drink (for free...) - it's going to be a Martini party - Chocolatinis, Cosmos, Appletinis, Mexican Martinis....

  4. #1004
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Honestly, I'd go! It sounds like you were really looking forward to it. Do you think that he's expecting you to not go without him and would he be upset if you did?
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  5. #1005
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    I'd go. It won't hurt to shake up the routine, plus it's something YOU want to do. I'm a fan of couples having their space and nights out sometimes with their own friends. You'll have a better time if you go alone and enjoy it, than if you sit home with him and resent it.
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  6. #1006
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    I vote with lildago and Lucy, PGM35. Go to the party. Maybe if your boyfriend sees that you're going to go anyway, he'll change his tune. It sounds like he might just expect you to NOT go and do the usual stuff with him. If he sees that you will go out without him and have fun, maybe it'll be a little wake-up call for him and, the next time this kind of party comes up, he'll go with you! Either way though, you'll have a good time and spend a fun night with your friends. We all deserve that!
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  7. #1007
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    I'd say GO. My reasoning for this is pretty much the same as the space thing etc., My ex (drunken SOB) was always bugging me to go out with him, (and despite what people may hear not all of us gay guys like going out to bars.) I would always say go out dammit have fun with your "friends" and leave me alone. I think people shouldn't be forced to go to something they really don't want to go to, as it only builds resentment and sometimes anger. Go to the party alone, have a good time with your peers and let the other half have his evening doing what makes him happy.
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  8. #1008
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Giz- I don't know what to tell you with that one. My ex actually decided not to go on a majority of our vacations when married. He went on a couple short ones right before I decided I was done with the marriage, and it was partly how he acted on the vacations that helped in the decision. However we lived together throughout the divorcing process and he most of the time, went out with the kids and I at whatever we decided to do. In fact he went more places with us then then he did when we were "married".

    If he moves out, you have the right to say "no, I don't want you with us on this trip." This sort of gets back to the idea of counseling for him to get back with you. I guess you need to talk with him about what does this seperation mean? Does he think it means he comes and goes as he pleases? Does he think he still calls the shots at home?

    I guess, my question to you is, what do you want from this seperation? If your wish is to back together, then I would consider the joint vacation. If your thoughts are you aren't sure, then I would postpone the vacation for awhile while you think about it. If you feel this should be a break up, then tell him no way.

    Don't just think of this seperation as something for him. This is for you also. If this marriage is going to work long term for you, it sounds like his behavior toward you needs to change. You need to decide what do you need from this seperation and how do you want the marriage to change if he decides to come back. I know it's hard to change how you behave toward someone, but you can't change him. The best you can do is decide, what do you want? And what do you need to do to help ensure it? (counseling truly cousnseling)


    PGM35, go. Go have fun with your friends. Walk out the door and don't even give him a second look. Don't even bother asking him again because clearly if you put him in a situation where he feels forced he will sulk and ruin your fun. So just go.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  9. #1009
    giz
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    Quote Originally Posted by nlmcp View Post
    Giz- I don't know what to tell you with that one. My ex actually decided not to go on a majority of our vacations when married. However we lived together throughout the divorcing process and he most of the time, went out with the kids and I at whatever we decided to do. In fact he went more places with us then then he did when we were "married".

    If he moves out, you have the right to say "no, I don't want you with us on this trip." This sort of gets back to the idea of counseling for him to get back with you. I guess you need to talk with him about what does this seperation mean? Does he think it means he comes and goes as he pleases? Does he think he still calls the shots at home?

    I guess, my question to you is, what do you want from this seperation? If your wish is to back together, then I would consider the joint vacation. If your thoughts are you aren't sure, then I would postpone the vacation for awhile while you think about it. If you feel this should be a break up, then tell him no way.

    Don't just think of this seperation as something for him. This is for you also. If this marriage is going to work long term for you, it sounds like his behavior toward you needs to change. You need to decide what do you need from this seperation and how do you want the marriage to change if he decides to come back. I know it's hard to change how you behave toward someone, but you can't change him. The best you can do is decide, what do you want? And what do you need to do to help ensure it? (counseling truly cousnseling)
    I have decided that there is no way he is coming back (if at all) unless he sees a counsellor. He won't at the moment, so ...
    I'm not sure what I want. I'd like him to snap out of it and be the man he can be, but if that doesn't happen I'm not willing to go back to the man he lets himself be (distant, verbally abusive). I feel like there are a number of potential partners out there for me, he's not The Only One. Used to be, but he's screwed that concept for me.
    He keeps reiterating that he will "probably come back in a few months" and I've got to say it annoys the hell out of me that he presumes he can. I keep pointing out that might not happen (that is I might say no), and he says "I know", but I don't know how much he has truly taken it on board. I'm going for counselling today (and a lawyer), so we'll see how that goes.

    My husband, too, has started showing an interest in family activities. A little late, ahem. I just don't know why he would want to come with us, I think he's getting nostalgic for the family or something. I hope it's not a control thing; me waiting at home is a good picture, but if I engage with the outside world then he'd better chase after me. Who knows? I just pictured the holiday as a way to lighten our hearts (me and kids), but if he comes I'll feel I have to try and keep the kids on ultra-good behaviour (as always) to avoid upsetting the big kid. I'll have to be ultra-careful about what I say so that I'm not "presuming" anything (one of my major crimes apparently). It would be exhausting to have him along as I don't trust him anymore. It'll make me the bad guy to him though, and I wish I'd never mentioned it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he'd want to come. Drat.

  10. #1010
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nlmcp View Post
    PGM35, go. Go have fun with your friends. Walk out the door and don't even give him a second look. Don't even bother asking him again because clearly if you put him in a situation where he feels forced he will sulk and ruin your fun. So just go.
    Thanks for all your input! I figured that I would be going without him when I posted, I guess I just wanted affirmation on my decision. He doesn't mind me going without him and he doesn't expect me to stay home with him just b/c he doesn't want to go. It's like what gabriel said, it's just not something he wants to do. As for shaking things up, not going to happen. Like I said, creature of habit if there EVER was one.

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