, i liked the That time of the month section!
How about the difference between Men and women?
Women Speak in Estrogen - Men Listen in Testosterone
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are PIGS". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase throw away cameras at Wal-Mart. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Very good Eny
"George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
-- Arrested Development, Season III
Keep em coming!
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
I found this on another message board....
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side:
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1). Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1). Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1). Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1). Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1). Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1). Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
1). Crying is blackmail.
1). Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1). We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1). Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1). "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
1). Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1). A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1). Check your oil! Please.
1). Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1). If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1). If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1). If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1). You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1). Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
1). Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1). The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1). ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1). If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1). We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1). If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1). If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1). When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
1). Don't ask us what we're thinking about, unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
1). You have enough clothes.
1). You have too many shoes.
1). It is neither in your best interest, nor ours, to take the quiz together.
1). No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1). BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, we know we have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know, we really don't mind that? It's like camping.
By the way: We are in shape. ROUND is a shape.
The ENTIRE MALE POPULATION
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Between Eny and TheGreenHornet, my sides were splitting with laughter!
Hats off to the Battle of the Sexes!!!!! You guys did great!
Keep them coming!
PS: My husband must be part woman.......he does laundry, he cooks on occasion, he makes the bed every day....but he ALSO tells me that I have too many shoes!