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Thread: Newest Diets For 2006

  1. #1
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Newest Diets For 2006

    For those of us that might need to lose a few post-holiday plans, the new and amazing...

    The Toddler Miracle Diet!

    DAY ONE

    Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
    Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
    Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and
    clothes.

    Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
    glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

    Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

    Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen
    floor.

    DAY TWO

    Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
    half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

    Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
    Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

    Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside,
    drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
    Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

    Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
    left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a
    spoon.

    DAY THREE ---

    Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers,
    rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in
    glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off
    fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

    Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
    bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

    Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

    FINAL DAY ---

    Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap,
    an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half
    cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal todog.

    Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
    that sucker and finish eating it.

    Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
    plate. Tube of mascara for dessert.


    Here's another one, if you prefer a low-carb option!
    Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had any success dieting, there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Miracle Cat Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

    Day One

    Breakfast:
    Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

    Lunch:
    Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

    Dinner:
    Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

    Bedtime snack:
    Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

    Day Two

    Breakfast:
    Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

    Lunch:
    Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

    Afternoon snack:
    Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

    Dinner:
    Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food - tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

    Day Three

    Breakfast:
    Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminium appliance you can find.

    Lunch:
    Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

    Dinner:
    Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

    Final Day

    Breakfast:
    Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

    Lunch:
    Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

    Dinner:
    Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  2. #2
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Excellent Queenie!

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    2006?!?! What ever happened to "I'll start Monday!"

  4. #4
    Premium Member Yeti Long Shot: Porpoheus Champion
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    Queenb - you said you don't know Bailee! I'm beginning to wonder.....

    Wow - I don't think I've ever laughed banana pudding out of my nose! Til now.
    Last edited by J.D.; 12-22-2004 at 04:30 AM.

  5. #5
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JenniferInCO
    2006?!?! What ever happened to "I'll start Monday!"
    I was going to put "2005", but you know it takes a little while to get your mind prepared (ok, my big fat finger hit the 6 ot the 5... )
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  6. #6
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    queenb, you are a hoot! That is hilarious!

  7. #7
    daydream believer oneTVslave's Avatar
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    I am dying laughing over here! That was such a hoot, QB, thanks for the laugh!

    I'm glad to see that my cat is not the only one that only eats two bites of any can of cat food.
    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
    - Albert Einstein

  8. #8
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    I guess this one needs a bump for the New Year. Thanks for a great laugh QueenB.

  9. #9
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    I somehow missed this last year...as the mother of two children and two cats, this killed me.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  10. #10
    FORT Fogey
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    Those are great queenb!!! I can always count on you to make me laugh!!!!

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