The War of the Roses (or the divorce chronicles)

[Gutmutter]

Thanks ADKLove. I am giving myself this week of vacation to do absolutely nothing (except be at my kids' beck and call). I am reading, cruising the threads, watching mindless tv with my kids, catching up on laundry, dishes, etc. But you're right. I should do one thing for myself without the kids. I'll have to think on that.

[speedbump]

Gutmutter-

You know the ole saying, "screw 'em". I use it often. I was in the same situation as your daughter. My mother abandoned us when I was a wee one and chose to disasscociate herself with her kids and instead travel to Egypt twice a year. It was my dad who coerced her to see us until we turned 18. Once we all graduated H.S., she chose to act more like a distant aunt than a mother. In the last 13 years I have seen my mother no more than 5 times, the most recent 2 years ago.

Society, in general dictates how one should act towards their parents. I tell society to shove it up their you-know-what. Of course I love my parents, but I'm not going to be told that I should act a certain way because that's the "warm and fuzzy" thing to do. It's not bitterness, it's reality. Once I realized that my mom would never be June Cleaver, I found a lot of closure and acceptance.

Bottom line: it's ok for your daughter to be pissed. Hopefully, she will come to terms and have a relationship with her dad that is comfortable for both of them rather than what is expected.

Sorry for the long rant...

[Gutmutter]

Speedbump - no apology needed. That's just what I wanted to hear. I know forgive and forget is a noble concept, but what this woman has done shouldn't be swept under the rug while everyone smiles and nods. What is wrong with people who are so ready to accept that screwing over your best friend and smashing her family to smithereens is okeedokey?

[ADKLove]

Oh, speedy. That just makes me want to and you. Good for you, for finding the closure you needed.

[wwhippetcrazy]

I feel the same way Speedbump...
I had a hard time coming to terms with not having that warm fuzzy, hang out talk, be with my mom relationship. But once I accepted that it's ok to not want to be with/hang out with/talk to my mom everyday my life is easier. Just cause she's my mom doesn't mean that I automatically respect her.

It definately is hard realizing that your parents are human and that they make choices that you wouldn't agree with/make. I guess we all comes to terms with it in our own time.
Gutter.... :hug to you...definately not something to be swept under the rug...everyone gets to the forgive eventually, but it never makes it right (imho)...and I try to never "forget"....

[Igotalife]

Oh, speedy. That just makes me want to and you. Good for you, for finding the closure you needed.

*okay* now it's my turn to be forming a line for a kiss ....Speed, that is just an incredible story.

I went through something similar growing up although I probably should preface it by saying, I am sure I have not had "complete" closure like you....I have good days and I have bad days.....

I have never met my father. My mom remarried very quickly to my dad after she lost her first husband suddenly to an anuerism (sp?) and left her to take care of 7 small children ages (1-9). My mom thought my dad was her knight in shining armor. My mom's pregnancy with me was definitely an "oops" out of an alcoholic rage my father had one night. Needless to say, his butt got hauled into jail and never to see her again until I was a tiny infant and again, he showed up drunk so she told him never to come back and quietly divorced him out of her shame. I have one picture of him. I always wondered how a parent could abandon and forget about their child....when I turned 30 and had a child of my own, I began searching for him....I found out he died in 1985 due to liver disease (likely the alcohol). I really just wanted to ask one big question..."why?" :rolleyes

Bottom line for me is....my mom did a superb job raising me by herself and while we like to hold on to the "warm and fuzzy" ideals of marriage and family life, for some, it just doesn't exist. I really respect my mom for never talking negative about him even given the circumstances. I stuck out like a sore thumb from everyone else in my family too (only blond/blue eyed tall one out of the bunch and my mom always dealt with the barrage of questions about that.) She taught me how to be very brave and stand strong.

That's why I say, even in a messy divorce, the kids will always migrate back to the parent that gives them strength and purpose and not bad examples and negativity.

[speedbump]

That's great about your mom, IGota. It's great that she never bad mouthed your father and gave you strength. *passes tissues around*

[ADKLove]

You know, Igotalife (sis), my daughter will have a similar story to tell. Her father left (I asked him to) when she was 9 months old...I told him to walk away, and I'd never ask for for anything, and asked that he not get in touch with my daughter...it would be up to her to seek him out, if she so chose. He, too, is an alcoholic. We have a few pictures of him (in albums) and she doesn't remember (the closest she gets is "her friend Dada who lived in the barn" - that's where he used to get drunk.)

I tell her that she got all the good parts of him - her creativity and artistic ability, and her big blue eyes, and her balance and gymnastic abilities from his family.

I've always been as honest and upfront with her as I can (she's still very young) about the fact that I asked him to leave, and why, and she does know he didn't know how to take care of her and Mom. Without getting into all the details, I know I made the right decision when I asked him to leave, and leave her, because I knew it would always be half-a$$ed on his part, and because he so readily agreed. I knew she would be continually disappointed with his feeble (if any) attempts to be a father to her, and knew I'd have to try to chase him down for support payments (he didn't work once he found out I was pregnant nor up until the time he left anyway)

I can hold my head up high, because I've always been truthful with her. He's never tried to reach us (so he's keeping his part of the bargain) and his family never acknowledged me (I was a second wife) or her, so she is not missing out on any extended family. She has great male role models in her life, and she knows her Mommy is a strong, independent woman.

I hope she grows up with the knowledge that Mom did the very best I could, and hope she views me the same way you view your Mom. You give me hope.

[Lucy]

I hope she grows up with the knowledge that Mom did the very best I could, and hope she views me the same way you view your Mom.

I'm sure she will, ADK. You and Igotalife's mom sound like very strong women. I'm not a child of divorce, but my mother was widowed when I was a kid. She could have been angry and bitter, she could have let herself be paralyzed by grief, but she didn't -- she took care of my sister and I, and never blamed anyone, and I consider her a great role model. I think your daughter will appreciate that you did the best you could and gave her the happiest childhood that you could.

[Gutmutter]

Standing ovation to you ADKLove for your strength and unwavering sense of direction when it comes to what's right for your daughter. Has anyone seen Spanglish?