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Thread: phat32's Tips for a Happy Halloween!

  1. #1
    Come Along, Pond phat32's Avatar
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    phat32's Tips for a Happy Halloween!

    10. Remove each wrapper before giving the candy to children. If the parents ask, just tell them that you personally inspected each one and deemed it safe to eat.

    9. If you run out of candy, create a homemade sign like Sorry! Out of bats’ wings and newts’ eyes! Went to Diagon Alley for more. Be back soon! This will make your house easier to find later when the children return with eggs and toilet paper.

    8. Never underestimate the power of handing out nickels, raisins or toothbrushes in your never-ending quest to be the biggest lame-ass in your neighborhood.

    7. Grave markers scattered across your lawn. Strobe lights in your windows. Jumping out at trick-or-treaters from behind your bushes. There are small children out--what were you thinking? your neighbors may ask. But all these are good tactics to ensure the night is never over until a preschooler has soiled himself or herself on your driveway.

    6. Although historically inaccurate, scientifically impossible and generally inane, asking your partner to dress up as "Sexy Witch," "Sexy Catwoman," or "Sexy Pirate" is a great way to spice up your Halloween night.

    5. Nothing says you care about your neighbors' children quite like those off-brand candies you bought at the Korean supermarket--you know, the ones like the imitation Sweet Tart bracelets and little gummy frogs. (At least you think they’re frogs.)

    4. Be sure to call your local radio station and request Ghostbusters or Monster Mash. God knows you won’t hear those unless someone asks.

    3. It's not okay to answer the door in the nude.

    (Clause #1: It is okay to answer the door in the nude if you nodded off and forgot it was Halloween.)

    (Clause #2: …Or if your costume is "Hey-You're-Not-the-Regular-Pizza-Boy" Housewife.)

    2. If you see anyone (a) wearing a T-shirt that says, "This is my costume," (b) wearing a T-shirt made to look like a tuxedo, or (c) answers "I'm me for Halloween!" when asked who they're supposed to be, you have my personal blessing to beat them with a sack of doorknobs.

    1. Try to be hip and name every costume that comes before you, even if you don't know what the hell you're talking about. For example, if the child is dressed as a mech from Gundam Wing, be sure to say "Hey there, uh...robot! Do robots like Almond Joy?” or if the character is Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh, something like “Hey, spiky-haired punk rocker! Here's a small box of Milk Duds, Mr. Rocker!” ought to cover it.
    "...Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but...the bad things don’t always spoil the good things." - The Doctor

  2. #2
    Hockey is life! EvaLaruefan's Avatar
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    Phat, you are so funny Those are really good.

  3. #3
    daydream believer oneTVslave's Avatar
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    Phat, those were great!
    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
    - Albert Einstein

  4. #4
    Livin' the life Dinahann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phat32
    10. Remove each wrapper before giving the candy to children. If the parents ask, just tell them that you personally inspected each one and deemed it safe to eat.
    Phat, you crack me up! Is it permissible to take a small bite of the candy, just to be on the safe side?

  5. #5
    Angel boy
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    Good job, Phat. Those were hilarious. Your creativity never ceases to astound me. I'm off to dress in my sexy "had a baby six months ago and I still look 7 months pregnant" costume. Oh, wait, I wear that every day!
    America- love it or leave it!

  6. #6
    Staying Afloat speedbump's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phat32

    (Clause #2: …Or if your costume is "Hey-You're-Not-the-Regular-Pizza-Boy" Housewife.)




    Classic!
    You got to cry without weeping. Talk without speaking. Scream without raising your voice.- U2

  7. #7
    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Thanks for the tips. Now my Halloween is complete!

    8. Never underestimate the power of handing out nickels, raisins or toothbrushes in your never-ending quest to be the biggest lame-ass in your neighborhood.
    Or Mentos. :rolleyes Which my neighbor handed out last year.
    You've gotta hustle if you want to earn a dollar. - Boston Rob

  8. #8
    J/J for the win! DJeterFan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dinahann
    Phat, you crack me up! Is it permissible to take a small bite of the candy, just to be on the safe side?


    As a child of the 80's and 90's, we lived under the rule of 'parents have to check your candy before you can eat it.' I was so paranoid of all my candy. Anytime I saw a little pinprick in my Snickers bar, I was sure it had been tampered with.

  9. #9
    FORT Fogey candor's Avatar
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    That was hysterical.
    "If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." — Will Rogers

  10. #10
    Ready? haejin's Avatar
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    I'm still not answering the door tomorrow, though.
    Gustav Holst was right!

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