10. Remove each wrapper before giving the candy to children. If the parents ask, just tell them that you personally inspected each one and deemed it safe to eat.
9. If you run out of candy, create a homemade sign like Sorry! Out of bats’ wings and newts’ eyes! Went to Diagon Alley for more. Be back soon! This will make your house easier to find later when the children return with eggs and toilet paper.
8. Never underestimate the power of handing out nickels, raisins or toothbrushes in your never-ending quest to be the biggest lame-ass in your neighborhood.
7. Grave markers scattered across your lawn. Strobe lights in your windows. Jumping out at trick-or-treaters from behind your bushes. There are small children out--what were you thinking? your neighbors may ask. But all these are good tactics to ensure the night is never over until a preschooler has soiled himself or herself on your driveway.
6. Although historically inaccurate, scientifically impossible and generally inane, asking your partner to dress up as "Sexy Witch," "Sexy Catwoman," or "Sexy Pirate" is a great way to spice up your Halloween night.
5. Nothing says you care about your neighbors' children quite like those off-brand candies you bought at the Korean supermarket--you know, the ones like the imitation Sweet Tart bracelets and little gummy frogs. (At least you think they’re frogs.)
4. Be sure to call your local radio station and request Ghostbusters or Monster Mash. God knows you won’t hear those unless someone asks.
3. It's not okay to answer the door in the nude.
(Clause #1: It is okay to answer the door in the nude if you nodded off and forgot it was Halloween.)
(Clause #2: …Or if your costume is "Hey-You're-Not-the-Regular-Pizza-Boy" Housewife.)
2. If you see anyone (a) wearing a T-shirt that says, "This is my costume," (b) wearing a T-shirt made to look like a tuxedo, or (c) answers "I'm me for Halloween!" when asked who they're supposed to be, you have my personal blessing to beat them with a sack of doorknobs.
1. Try to be hip and name every costume that comes before you, even if you don't know what the hell you're talking about. For example, if the child is dressed as a mech from Gundam Wing, be sure to say "Hey there, uh...robot! Do robots like Almond Joy?” or if the character is Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh, something like “Hey, spiky-haired punk rocker! Here's a small box of Milk Duds, Mr. Rocker!” ought to cover it.