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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #9361
    Paging Dr. House Salty Babe's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by prhoshay;4058311;
    Sometimes, we have to accept that we can't control what we think are the negatives in our loved ones lives. I, too, think your husband is right.

    Salty Babe, stop shouldering the guilt of the failed relationship. More likely, than not, it is about all about your friend....not you. I'd be willing to put money on the "fact" that is is not even slightly about you.
    Thanks.
    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    ...and, SaltyBabe, sometimes "friends" are just toxic to you. I'd rather not have a friend than go through a toxic relationship! My friends here have carried me through an awful lot!

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    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by prhoshay;4058311;
    Sometimes, we have to accept that we can't control what we think are the negatives in our loved ones lives. I, too, think your husband is right.

    Salty Babe, stop shouldering the guilt of the failed relationship. More likely, than not, it is about all about your friend....not you. I'd be willing to put money on the "fact" that is is not even slightly about you.
    After having gone through something similar myself, I have to agree. It's more likely the friend and not you.

    Still hurts, I know, but experience has shown me it's better to be rid of toxic relationships than to be miserable with miserable people. They can be miserable on their own.

    And I look at it this way: Her loss, not yours.

    I "broke up" with both my sister and a toxic friend. I lost two miserable, depressing people who took advantage of me. They lost a fun, loyal, smart, loving and giving person. Who's loss was worse? I'd say theirs. And no, I don't usually toot my own horn like that, but in this case it happens to be true and I bet it is in your case too.


    DesertRose, I'm so sorry your family is going through that. My dad fell multiple times and it was very difficult on my mom. I don't have any sage words to share. But know that you have support here.
    It's hard to accept the possible loss of a parent like that. But I had my mom tell me that I was being selfish and years later, I realized she was right. I know that may not help you. But I cried and cried about her eminent loss and she said: "quit being so selfish and spend the time left with me being with me and not worrying and carrrying on." And I did, but I went home and cried. So like I said, I don't have a lot that I can say to try and help you other than just be with him now. Hugs.

    Oh and I'm not implying you are being selfish. I am just sharing what happened in my situation with my parents.
    Last edited by MRD; 09-10-2010 at 06:00 PM.
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Thanks everyone. You really are a nice group of people.
    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by DesertRose;4058295;
    A couple of weeks ago I posted about my father's disease. Last night my mom called me to let me know that the doctor found liquid (blood, I guess) in his brain scan from one of his multiple falls. Instead of resorbing, it grew. The doctor is not overly concerned, but he did tell my father that the next fall can kill him or worse. His choices are slim: wheelchair or wearing full hockey gear to protect himself from falls. My father doesn't want to do either. It's almost as if he wants to die, but yet he's scared of dying.

    I don't want to lecture him over this because I know he just won't listen, but honestly, I have no clue what to do. My husband said we just have to accept it and I guess he's right, but my fear is that he'll really hurt himself. At this point, I'm less worried about him dying than about him becoming paralyzed and making my mom's life even more difficult than it is now.
    I can totally relate. My father is being pretty stubborn as well. When he was first diagnosed, he really contemplated ending it all. It was so hard for him to realize that he may lose his ability to "be a man", depend on others, lose his faculties, etc. But now he is the other end of the spectrum, living life to the fullest and if it kills him before the disease, so be it. hard to take but its his life I suppose. All I can do is be there for him when he needs it.

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    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Exactly. When my mother was dying, and we thought she had decided not to have anything further to prolong her live (ovarian cancer), her colon became blocked, and she decided that she wanted surgery to relieve the blockage. I was a little stunned, but my sister (the eldest) had a fit because of mother's decision, and expressed it and put on a show. I knew that I had to support my mother in her decision, even if I didn't agree with it, because it was her decision, so I, quietly, stood by my mom; I told her, "If that's what you want, that's what we'll do.". Yes, it was hard to watch what was going on with our mother, but it wasn't about us, which is something that my sister didn't seem to get. "Sister-dear" was making it all about her and not our mother. If mom hadn't been competent to make her own decisions, that would have been another story, but she was. It was important to me that she maintain what she could while she could. It was important for her dignity and sense of self.

    It's hard when the parental role and the child role flips....and even harder when that line becomes blurred.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

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  7. #9367
    Paging Dr. House Salty Babe's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Day 5 and she still won't talk to me. I have no idea what I have done to upset her. I really don't.

    I am so desperately sad. We were friends for 20 years.
    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Aw, Salty. Here's a huge hug.

    I'm going through some things similar although the circumstances are different. Am mourning the lost of a 12 year friendship that I had become extremely dependent upon, but it was toxic. So I am missing the good parts and feel very, very freed of the bad parts.

    The toughest part is that this comes at the worst possible time. It's almost as if they planned it for when I was at my lowest point.

    It takes time. And one day at a time.
    The Bachelor/Bachelorette series is a soap opera with unskilled actors, bad writing, and beautiful locations...it even edits the real moon!

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    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Hugs to you both. I am in similar shoes. But I actually feel more relief that it's over as it was a one sided friendship for the last few years and was sucking the life out of me. But it did come at my lowest point so that didn't help.

    If that's how friends treat friends, then I'd say we are all well rid of these kind of people in our lives. Makes room to make new and better friends that will respect us and treasure the friendship.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Thanks, mrd. It's interesting how much some will put up with, and how long.

    My former friend was so incredibly negative, and grouchy all the time. If you spend too much time (which is any, really) around someone like that, it can change you for the worse. It was such a contrast being around healthy, positive people that eventually I realized that I deserve better.

    I thought that I was helping them (as they often helped me, too), but it gets to be very draining. I really do believe in positive thinking and trying to find the bright spot in everything, even when that can be challenging.

    Over time, I realized that I was becoming very depressed and negative. It's also very annoying to be around someone who insists on finding the negative in everything and complaining about it, and who walks around mad at the world and yelling about it.

    I'd even stopped doing my positive affirmations, wasn't smiling very often and laughter was getting to be a rarity. Time for some Seinfeld healing!

    Hope you find closure and happiness, Salty and mrd (and everyone). We need to believe that we deserve it.
    The Bachelor/Bachelorette series is a soap opera with unskilled actors, bad writing, and beautiful locations...it even edits the real moon!

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