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  1. #9181
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Somewhere (in Ohio) I have a book titled, It's Only Too Late if You Don't Start Now. It's actually a really good book and the title says it all.
    Count your blessings!

  2. #9182
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Change can also be good. I, for one, have always enjoyed change. I worked at a job that you never quite knew what was going to happen...definitely kept your attention alert. I used to love to move into a new place...then I met a woman who moved 2-3 times every year. I look at it as an opportunity to learn something new. I actually hate too much "sameness". A lot of this is about our attitudes, and we are in control of those, usually. There really are silver linings out there...we just have to be determined to see them. Knowing the kind of person you seem to be....sister, you are going to be just fine!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

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  3. #9183
    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    You guys are so wonderful and I appreciate everything you've all said so much.

    But today, I ain't feeling it. I'm in so much pain and struggling so hard and have no strength or courage. I have tapped that inner resolve well so many times recently that it's now empty.

    And the intelligent part of me knows it won't always be like this. Knows that there will be bad days and that this too shall pass. But right now in this moment, I am hurting so badly that I can't think past the next word I type. I can't think, I just hurt.

    And I'm sorry I'm living out this drama in front of you all. But actually right now, I don't have another venue. Therapist emailed and cancelled today's appointment and the two friends that have been so wonderful and helped so much are both unavailable today for various reasons.

    And I just woke up in this horrible, black mood and can't get out of it. I've tried. I've tried all my coping mechanisms. I'm just also feeling so overwhelmed. I have SO much to do and even breaking it down into little tasks is overwhelming. I think I've just reached a point where everything is overwhelming right now.

    And yes, I know tomorrow will most likely be better. But today isn't and I am at a loss as to how to cope with today.

    ETA: Shay, I was 27 and he was 28 when we got married. Does that make a difference? I always thought getting married later like we did meant we'd both sown all those wild oats and were ready to settle down.

    And whoever said he was crazy. He's got a LOT and I mean a LOT of both mental and physical problems right now. I havre tried over the last couple of years to try to get him to get help, but you all know that you can't make someone get help if they don't want it. He was so strong for so long and I know now that he pushed down a lot in order to appear strong and that that has finally come back to bite him. And while I'm furious about the online affair. I also see it as more of a symptom of what's gone wrong. He is so unhappy that he's grasping at anything that will make him happy and lessen his emotional pain at the moment. Doesn't make it right, doesn't excuse it and I'm mad about it, but I actually understand it. He is now getting psychiatric outpatient care through the VA. But because it's the VA, it's not enough. Counseling once a month and the psychiatrist is in Charleston, so his appointments with him are actually webcam appointments. Can you believe THAT?
    Last edited by MRD; 07-23-2010 at 09:35 AM.
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  4. #9184
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Hugs to MRD and buglover. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.
    If you type "google" into google you can break the internet.

  5. #9185
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    mrd, I was older than you when I married and had always heard that you tend to have a better chance at a better outcome when you are older. I don't think the success really has anything to do with being older, although it was good for me to get my "run" out; my problem was that "hubby" never quit running. I just don't think we know what we should have done/asked/established/believed before we get married.

    I gave a young guy friend a book about discussions to have BEFORE you marry. I just wish someone had done the same for me. It would be really good for "he and she" to read the book together and have some real honest discussion. Might save a lot of heartache later.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  6. #9186
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;3999690;

    And I'm sorry I'm living out this drama in front of you all. But actually right now, I don't have another venue. Therapist emailed and cancelled today's appointment and the two friends that have been so wonderful and helped so much are both unavailable today for various reasons.

    And I just woke up in this horrible, black mood and can't get out of it. I've tried. I've tried all my coping mechanisms. I'm just also feeling so overwhelmed. I have SO much to do and even breaking it down into little tasks is overwhelming. I think I've just reached a point where everything is overwhelming right now.

    And yes, I know tomorrow will most likely be better. But today isn't and I am at a loss as to how to cope with today.

    ETA: Shay, I was 27 and he was 28 when we got married. Does that make a difference? I always thought getting married later like we did meant we'd both sown all those wild oats and were ready to settle down.

    And whoever said he was crazy. He's got a LOT and I mean a LOT of both mental and physical problems right now. I havre tried over the last couple of years to try to get him to get help, but you all know that you can't make someone get help if they don't want it. He was so strong for so long and I know now that he pushed down a lot in order to appear strong and that that has finally come back to bite him. And while I'm furious about the online affair. I also see it as more of a symptom of what's gone wrong. He is so unhappy that he's grasping at anything that will make him happy and lessen his emotional pain at the moment. Doesn't make it right, doesn't excuse it and I'm mad about it, but I actually understand it. He is now getting psychiatric outpatient care through the VA. But because it's the VA, it's not enough. Counseling once a month and the psychiatrist is in Charleston, so his appointments with him are actually webcam appointments. Can you believe THAT?

    You just give it to us dear, I need to do the same sometimes and that is REAL LIFE!
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  7. #9187
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;3999690;
    You guys are so wonderful and I appreciate everything you've all said so much.

    But today, I ain't feeling it. I'm in so much pain and struggling so hard and have no strength or courage. I have tapped that inner resolve well so many times recently that it's now empty.

    And the intelligent part of me knows it won't always be like this. Knows that there will be bad days and that this too shall pass. But right now in this moment, I am hurting so badly that I can't think past the next word I type. I can't think, I just hurt.

    And I'm sorry I'm living out this drama in front of you all. But actually right now, I don't have another venue. Therapist emailed and cancelled today's appointment and the two friends that have been so wonderful and helped so much are both unavailable today for various reasons.

    And I just woke up in this horrible, black mood and can't get out of it. I've tried. I've tried all my coping mechanisms. I'm just also feeling so overwhelmed. I have SO much to do and even breaking it down into little tasks is overwhelming. I think I've just reached a point where everything is overwhelming right now.

    And yes, I know tomorrow will most likely be better. But today isn't and I am at a loss as to how to cope with today.

    ETA: Shay, I was 27 and he was 28 when we got married. Does that make a difference? I always thought getting married later like we did meant we'd both sown all those wild oats and were ready to settle down.

    And whoever said he was crazy. He's got a LOT and I mean a LOT of both mental and physical problems right now. I havre tried over the last couple of years to try to get him to get help, but you all know that you can't make someone get help if they don't want it. He was so strong for so long and I know now that he pushed down a lot in order to appear strong and that that has finally come back to bite him. And while I'm furious about the online affair. I also see it as more of a symptom of what's gone wrong. He is so unhappy that he's grasping at anything that will make him happy and lessen his emotional pain at the moment. Doesn't make it right, doesn't excuse it and I'm mad about it, but I actually understand it. He is now getting psychiatric outpatient care through the VA. But because it's the VA, it's not enough. Counseling once a month and the psychiatrist is in Charleston, so his appointments with him are actually webcam appointments. Can you believe THAT?
    I'm sorry you are going through all this and feel so bad right now. I'm not going to be all chipper and give the pep talk that I know you don't want right now. Sometimes I think it IS helpful to just vent and be in a funk for a couple of days--then you get tired of it and regroup, and can think more rationally. (If it lasts too long, we may have to have an intervention, though!)

    The only thing I do think is that maybe you should just go ahead and get the divorce ASAP and let him be stupid, rather than dragging it out. That way you can get on with YOUR life, and the heck with him. I know that seems cruel, but you came back and gave him a chance, and he doesn't want to work on it. If it's because he needs help and won't get it, it's a losing battle.
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  8. #9188
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by queenb;4001656;
    The only thing I do think is that maybe you should just go ahead and get the divorce ASAP and let him be stupid, rather than dragging it out. That way you can get on with YOUR life, and the heck with him. I know that seems cruel, but you came back and gave him a chance, and he doesn't want to work on it. If it's because he needs help and won't get it, it's a losing battle.
    This doesn't seem half baked. Might be a good Idea......
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    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  9. #9189
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    mrd, I'm sorry to hear of the change in events. So many others have posted and given you great advice, all I can add to that is, as difficult as it may seem, the sooner you love yourself, and know without a doubt you don't want to waste time on the past, concentrate on the future, you will be better off for it.

    There is one thing I've never allowed to happen in my life, be with someone I didn't want to be with. If he doesn't want to work on the relationship, then why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. I'm not questioning you, just posting my thoughts on your situation.

    I would take the job, you can always continue looking for something else, you can always continue your education, what you shouldn't do is wish for the way you wanted your marriage to be because that just wastes energy on something that can't be changed.

    I don't think it matters what age one is when they get married. I know people who got married very early and later in life, some are still together, some are not. People change, priorities change, what once mattered to them, no longer matters. If I was the one that no longer mattered, you can bet your bottom bootie, I wouldn't want to be with them either, nor would I be mourning the loss of my marriage, because from that moment on, its all about me!

  10. #9190
    PWS
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    mrd, there are some days when the only solution is to curl up with a box of chunky choclate chip ice cream, and a good escapist book or movie....first having had a "good cry". As queenb said, sometimes you just have to wallow in the funk for a couple of days straight to get it out. Did you know that crying actually makes you feel better? Some bad chemicals go out through your eyes! See, women know what they are doing with their apparently oxymoron "good cries"! And chocolate really does give your serotonin a boost! Self medicating through tears and chocolate! Go for it! Personally, back in the day, before you could put together your own personal CDs, after the above, I used to have a series of songs I'd sing (roommate being out, since I can't actually really sing), starting with "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair" and "Gonna find me a bluebird, gonna sing me a song ('cause my hearts been broken, much too long... gonna chase me a rainbow... etc.). After a while that would energize me enough to start dancing a bit and cleaning up stuff, and I'd be ready to face the world again. Of course those were just college romances, not marriage enders, but you get the idea. Think about whatever makes you feel good...and will take your mind off things...a good movie? Then do it. Time does make a difference, you just need to find a way to get through the time without sliding into true depression.

    And you are right, getting married later (or at least not very young) does increase your chances of a lasting marriage (although it gets confounded with the effects of more education, also good, etc.), but the operative word is chances... There's nothing close to 100%, sadly.

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