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  1. #9161
    PWS
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I'm sorry, too, MRD, but as so many have said, you know you did all you could to make it work out--maybe in 5 years it will be obvious that this was the best decision for both of you. I'm still with my original partner after 45+ years, but I've heard divorce described (in situations like yours when there's no extreme precipitating factor like abuse or a flagrantly cheating spouse) as sadness due to mourning the death of a dream---in this case of your fantasies of growing old together, doggies underfoot on the porch.... When the marriage has been good for a long time it would be hard to give up those assumptions/dreams without sadness.
    Someone I know who had been through both situations said it was much like she felt when her son came out to her--she cried, not because he was gay, but because she could see the fantasy grandchildren she's always assumed she'd have fading away (this was a while ago, before all the high tech fatherhood options for gay men). Again, as others said, at least you are lucky enough to have possible housing/job options opening up...and a wedding to plan to keep you distracted. I hope your daughter is able to have a happy wedding despite all this. My best wishes.
    PS Was just reading an article (about getting over fear of flying) in which someone had taken as their mantra, What would you do if you weren't frightened?, and she was trying to do all those things. In your situation, now that you are responsible for no one but yourself for the first time in 20 years or so, what will you do? Good luck in this new chapter--and I do hope you get to find a way to finish school at some point!

  2. #9162
    FORT Fogey brunette trixie's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    mrd, I am so very sorry. Divorce is one of the most terribly stressful situations that anyone has to go through. Please don't hesitate to seek support from your friends and family when you feel overwhelmed. And you know everyone here at the FORT will be happy to lend a listening ear (or eye, I guess).


    I wish all the best to happen to you from this point forward.

  3. #9163
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Oh, Bug. I am so sorry to hear this. You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.


    Mrd, you have my prayers, too.
    Last edited by dagwood; 07-21-2010 at 10:39 PM.
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  4. #9164
    Over and Out! Bunny555's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Received an update from Mr. Buglover this evening. Bug's son pulled through several hours of very complicated surgery and has begun to stabilize his vital signs. He was writing on Bug's behalf so that she can stay by his side.
    Continued love and prayers.

  5. #9165
    I won't forget Cootie's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Thanks for the update bunny555. I have been thinking of bug and her family, especially Victor, just about non-stop. I hope his healing can begin and like bug says, that he can have years, rather than months, to live...

  6. #9166
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    for the buglovers

  7. #9167
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Bug, I only check in here periodically, so I hadn't heard what you and your family are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Mrd, the only advice I have is don't let bitterness take over your heart. When I realized my first marriage was hopeless and needed to end, I was furious with fate and God. Why had I ended up with someone that had so many problems and never really wanted me in the first place? Why did I fall in love with someone like that? Why did I waste so many years on him? The "whys" were endless and the more I thought of, the more angry I became. Then I realized that I was just wasting more of my life on the "whys". I had given enough years to that marriage. I wasn't going to waste the rest of my life being angry and bitter that it turned out the way that it did. I took a deep breath on that day and never looked back. Begin your new life with a light heart, believing that better days are to come, and I promise you that they will.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  8. #9168
    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Great to hear about Buglovers son!!!!

    Thanks everyone for everything.

    My husband met someone on line back in Feb. and was planning on meeting her when I caught on to what was going on. That's when he moved out the first time. He decided that he had to have time away from her and me because he was very confused and depressed. He didn't have any contact with her for over 2 months. Then she called him while I was in Florida and they started up again. They've never met in person. I am so angry at this. He was telling me to come home and let's work it out when he had no intention of ever doing so. They are going to get married. They have never met in person at all. And she's a lesbian. She broke up with her longtime girlfriend of 16 years and he and her "found" each other on a divorce/separation website. I really honestly think that when he goes to the doctor next week, they need to do a CT scan of his head because I think his brain fell out at some point.
    He has been so out of character since about august last year when he started back to school. I don't even KNOW this person. I'm just stunned and gobsmacked! I mean, he is a very intelligent person who's always made good decisions and now, it's like a comedy movie. I mean, really WHO DOES THIS??????
    The mid life crisis for men is very real. Nothing against you guys out there, but I really do think something starts happening in the mid to late 40's (he's 49) and they just go off the deep end.
    I hired a lawyer yesterday. It takes a year in SC to get a divorce and that year can be prolonged and I intend to do it, not because I want him back, but because I'm hoping that the longer it takes, the more he'll come to his senses and see how crazy this is. He knows nothing about her, except what she's told him online and texting and phone calls.
    I am entitled to permanent alimony and I can start getting that now. Lawyers working on a separation agreement. And I get half of what we own which isn't much. But we did buy this house in Feb., so he's going to have to buy out my part of it. And he's going to have to pay my student loans.

    Hubby's basically giving me everything I want anyway.

    I had to go to the school yesterday to fill out some paperwork. When I dropped last semester, that puts financial aid on hold, so to get it back and be eligible to ever go to school again, I had to provide paperwork and other stuff for a review to get reinstated. (this way, if I do ever get to go back to school, it's not going to be a problem) But I had to go to 3 different offices and walking around campus, I almost started crying, because that's over too. I went to see my favorite professor to say goodbye and he wasn't in. That was really hard. I really loved school this time around, I really loved that school and the profs I had several times. And I hate that I'm having to quit because he lost HIS mind.

    And while I know now this is for the best and I'm going home, I'm scared as hell! I mean absolutely terrified. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can work full time. I don't know what I'll do about my health problems and having to deal with them alone. I'm thankful for the possible job, but I HATE that industry. I worked in it for 12 years and I absolutely hate it which is why I got out and now history is repeating itself. I'm quitting school again to go back into this kind of business.

    I just wish that he made enough money to support me fully so I could finish school and then not have to take a job in a field I dispise.

    I'm scared that I can't do that work anymore. I'm scared if I get sick, there is no one to take care of me. And while the prospect of being alone and having no one else messing up teh house or having to deal with, I'm scared of being alone.

    I'm scared of what people are going to say when I do get home.

    And I am mourning the future I thought I was going to have. And I hate that I'm returning to the land of endless heat and humidity. The heat really nothers my health problems, I mean it can get really bad at times. So what do I do then? And how do I work then? I'm scared of being 48 and single. I want to be married, I don't want to be single ever again. I hated dating the first time around. (not that I'm ready to jump back in THAT pool), but I hear so many horror stories from friends and also know that women my age have a difficult time finding men. I honestly think that while I am very angry at him, I'm more angry at the fact that I'm not going to be married. I felt very secure married. I liked that security even if looking back, he's not been the man I married for a year or more. So I think I may be morning the being in a relationship more than I am mourning losing him, because right now, I think I'm probably lucky to be getting rid of him.

    Sorry guys, I know this is a pity party. I'm just feeling very scared as you can tell. My parents are both deceased and I am really missing them right now too because I do need to go home and I want someone to take me in and take care of me just for a little while. Pathetic I know.

    And I now know why Waldo died. I could have never taken him to Florida. He couldn't have ever made the ride and the heat would have been awful on him and having 3 dogs in a home that isn't yours is really pushing it even if the owners are friends.

    Good news is that I've lost 5 pounds since Sunday.

    Sorry to be a baby and whiney and having a pity party on there. I can't sleep and feel miserable and well, at least here, I could vent it out a bit.
    Thanks all.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  9. #9169
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Well, who can you gripe to if not your FoRT friends?! I say get it off your chest! I think it's sad that the inbternet can be fun and healing (for people like us) and scary and crazy (for other people). Aren't we blessed? If you need to go home, come up to Ohio and I'll mother (or smother) you for a while!

  10. #9170
    FORT Fanatic ElizabethG's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;3996974;
    Great to hear about Buglovers son!!!!

    Thanks everyone for everything.

    My husband met someone on line back in Feb. and was planning on meeting her when I caught on to what was going on. That's when he moved out the first time. He decided that he had to have time away from her and me because he was very confused and depressed. He didn't have any contact with her for over 2 months. Then she called him while I was in Florida and they started up again. They've never met in person. I am so angry at this. He was telling me to come home and let's work it out when he had no intention of ever doing so. They are going to get married. They have never met in person at all. And she's a lesbian. She broke up with her longtime girlfriend of 16 years and he and her "found" each other on a divorce/separation website. I really honestly think that when he goes to the doctor next week, they need to do a CT scan of his head because I think his brain fell out at some point.
    He has been so out of character since about august last year when he started back to school. I don't even KNOW this person. I'm just stunned and gobsmacked! I mean, he is a very intelligent person who's always made good decisions and now, it's like a comedy movie. I mean, really WHO DOES THIS??????
    The mid life crisis for men is very real. Nothing against you guys out there, but I really do think something starts happening in the mid to late 40's (he's 49) and they just go off the deep end.
    I hired a lawyer yesterday. It takes a year in SC to get a divorce and that year can be prolonged and I intend to do it, not because I want him back, but because I'm hoping that the longer it takes, the more he'll come to his senses and see how crazy this is. He knows nothing about her, except what she's told him online and texting and phone calls.
    I am entitled to permanent alimony and I can start getting that now. Lawyers working on a separation agreement. And I get half of what we own which isn't much. But we did buy this house in Feb., so he's going to have to buy out my part of it. And he's going to have to pay my student loans.

    Hubby's basically giving me everything I want anyway.

    I had to go to the school yesterday to fill out some paperwork. When I dropped last semester, that puts financial aid on hold, so to get it back and be eligible to ever go to school again, I had to provide paperwork and other stuff for a review to get reinstated. (this way, if I do ever get to go back to school, it's not going to be a problem) But I had to go to 3 different offices and walking around campus, I almost started crying, because that's over too. I went to see my favorite professor to say goodbye and he wasn't in. That was really hard. I really loved school this time around, I really loved that school and the profs I had several times. And I hate that I'm having to quit because he lost HIS mind.

    And while I know now this is for the best and I'm going home, I'm scared as hell! I mean absolutely terrified. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can work full time. I don't know what I'll do about my health problems and having to deal with them alone. I'm thankful for the possible job, but I HATE that industry. I worked in it for 12 years and I absolutely hate it which is why I got out and now history is repeating itself. I'm quitting school again to go back into this kind of business.

    I just wish that he made enough money to support me fully so I could finish school and then not have to take a job in a field I dispise.

    I'm scared that I can't do that work anymore. I'm scared if I get sick, there is no one to take care of me. And while the prospect of being alone and having no one else messing up teh house or having to deal with, I'm scared of being alone.

    I'm scared of what people are going to say when I do get home.

    And I am mourning the future I thought I was going to have. And I hate that I'm returning to the land of endless heat and humidity. The heat really nothers my health problems, I mean it can get really bad at times. So what do I do then? And how do I work then? I'm scared of being 48 and single. I want to be married, I don't want to be single ever again. I hated dating the first time around. (not that I'm ready to jump back in THAT pool), but I hear so many horror stories from friends and also know that women my age have a difficult time finding men. I honestly think that while I am very angry at him, I'm more angry at the fact that I'm not going to be married. I felt very secure married. I liked that security even if looking back, he's not been the man I married for a year or more. So I think I may be morning the being in a relationship more than I am mourning losing him, because right now, I think I'm probably lucky to be getting rid of him.

    Sorry guys, I know this is a pity party. I'm just feeling very scared as you can tell. My parents are both deceased and I am really missing them right now too because I do need to go home and I want someone to take me in and take care of me just for a little while. Pathetic I know.

    And I now know why Waldo died. I could have never taken him to Florida. He couldn't have ever made the ride and the heat would have been awful on him and having 3 dogs in a home that isn't yours is really pushing it even if the owners are friends.

    Good news is that I've lost 5 pounds since Sunday.

    Sorry to be a baby and whiney and having a pity party on there. I can't sleep and feel miserable and well, at least here, I could vent it out a bit.
    Thanks all.

    MRD, you're not being whiny OR a baby. You're human...like everyone else, and you have been dealt a lousy hand in this round. Wish him luck on his new life and then go start yours...from the way it sounds, he'll be needing some sympathy in about, oh, say 7 or 8 months. There's a guy at work here who did almost the exact same thing to his wife after "meeting" someone in an on-line chat room. They lasted exactly 9 months after she pulled up her roots in upstate New York, moved herself and her teenage son down here to Georgia and started living everyday life with him. Suddenly it wasn't romantic and awesome anymore...it was REALITY.

    Is there anyway you could continue school in Florida while working at a temporary job so you wouldn't have to go back to a field you despise? Keep your chin up, you've been so strong for a lot of other folks on here, it's time to be strong for yourself. Take care of YOU now. And let us know when you need a pep talk or you just want to vent. You're a wonderful, wonderful woman!! Screw him!!
    I enjoy the escapism of reality television. Beats the heck out of worrying about your REAL life!!

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