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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #8841
    FORT Fogey norealityhere's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Bunny,

    I'm very sorry to hear about this and agree that it's a good thing your son was around to answer the phone and perhaps scare him off.
    I tend to agree with Queenb here.
    While I do think that the guy is crying out to you to help him / talk to him (and is not necessarily capable of harming you in any way), I do think that its best not to respond to him at all.
    I once had a similar thing with an ex boyfriend. I never responded to his call and never heard from him again, thank heaven.

    Good Luck and keep us all posted.
    Last edited by norealityhere; 03-01-2010 at 04:07 PM.
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  2. #8842
    PWS
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I also take back anything I said before that was remotely positive---the domestic disturbance AND the 3am call.... WAY over the top warning signs. I, too, hope your son has a very deep voice.

  3. #8843
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by norealityhere;3843290;
    . . . I do think that its best not to respond to him at all.
    I once had a similar thing with an ex boyfriend. I never responded to his call and never heard from him again, thank heaven. . . .

    Don't respond; don't be polite with this creep. Politeness would only encourage him. If he thinks you're a b***h, so what? His opinion doesn't matter. And if it keeps him away, so much the better.
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  4. #8844
    FORT Fanatic Melitta's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I have a scenario to put out there for all of ya'll. My oldest step son's wife is driving us crazy...to the point where the family has just said, "tell your son you love him and wish him well and let it go." First off, my husband's family is VERY close and will do just about anything for any family member, so for them to tell us the above is quite "earth shattering". So, let me try and explain what has been happening and I would very much like comments on how ya'll perceive this situation. My step son is 23 and has two kids under the age of 6. He never married his son's mom and actually met his daughter's mom while still with his son's mom and the daughter's mom was still married to another guy. He married his daughter's mom a month after her divorce was final. They have known each other for about 2 years now. Anyway, she gets pregnant (while still married to the other guy) approximately 3 months after they start "dating". She tells me she doesn't want the kid, but that my step son has talked her into having it and that if she does have it, he told her he would do most of the caring for her. This from the boy who has very little to do with his first born. So much so that the son's mom has taken him to court and put supervised visitation on him. So, she has this beautiful little girl and true to her word she let's daddy do most of the work. They ran into some financial trouble (she won't work at all) and have moved in with my inlaws. Now, my FIL absolutely hates this girl, but yet, he allowed them to move in because her own dad had thrown them out on the street. My FIL is 85, has been diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer and very old school. If you are a stay at home mom (she is) then you need to take care of the house, cook dinner and such. She stays in her room ALL day with the baby and as soon as my step son gets home from work, she hands over the baby and tells him what to fix for dinner. He cooks, cleans up, feeds and bathes the baby after being at work all day, while she stays in the room. My BIL has told us that sometimes he goes over to the house and he can hear her in the room yelling at him that, "He has no balls, He needs to grow up and be a man, He never defends her or sticks up for her." Just this past weekend, my husband and I tried talking to my step son about him joining the military. All we have ever heard from him is how much he would never even think about joining the military. She however, comes from a military dad and her first husband was military, but she always talked about how much she hated being a military wife. Now my step son has enlisted and will be leaving next month. Now remember she met my step son and got pregnant while still married and her husband was in Iraq fighting. Anyway, we tried to find reason as to why he enlisted. She was around the corner easedropping on the conversation and preceeded to send me some nasty emails the next day, saying how horrible we were and that we were just stupid. All we asked of him was to make some sense of him enlisting, cause we just weren't understanding. So I emailed her back explained what we were talking about and that we didn't care that he joined, we were just wondering about the about change in attitude of joining. She then decided to tell me how anti-military we are and that we needed to worry about my husbands relationship with his son and not what his son is doing. OK, anti-military...my step dad is an ex Marine, my nephew is a Marine and actively fighting now. My husband has 6 cousins actively fighting, 2 Marines, 2 Army, 1 Navy and 1 Air Force with 2 more just waiting to graduate to enlist...but yet, we are anti military? I finally just blocked her email address. So, my husband calls his mom and asked if everything was OK there, because he didn't want them getting the backlash from her ranting on me. She said all was fine, but she also told him that the other day my step son was having a problem with a car he had just bought and his wife was yelling at him to get out and check the battery, check the starter, just get out and do something to find out what is wrong. My MIL said he had been out there all morning checking all of that, but she just wouldn't lay off of him. My FIL said something to her to the effect of "lay off my grandson" and she popped back off and told him "shut up you stupid silly old man." Again, this is the man who has taken her in because her own dad threw her out, my step son and her are living there rent free, and instead of paying back the money my inlaws have given them to bail my step son out of jail for unpaid tickets (at least 2 thousand dollars) when they got their refund, they go buy a car and this girl has the nerve to call him a stupid silly old man. So, there is so much more, but we have decided to take the family advice and just tell him we love him and wish him well. Oh, I forgot through all of this my step son has told the family that she is his wife and she gets his loyalty. His loyalty to her has gotten him stranded with his kids twice because of her. Once she took the car and left him with his son. We had to let him take our vehicle to get his son back home on time. The second time she left, she made him drive her to her dad's and wouldn't take the baby. On the way home, he ran out of gas, she has the phone he pays for, so he ends up walking down the highway with his daughter in a stroller until he can get to a pay phone. Another time she got mad, she made him sleep in his car. This girl has not paid one dime for rent, bills or anything like that, yet, she feels it is her "right" to throw him out because she has the baby. She also told a family member that her step son doesn't really count as part of their family cause "she can just send him home." She posts some of the nastiest things about my step son on her Myspace page and yet, he told us, "we either like her or he isn't keeping in touch." So, if any of you were dealing with this, would you wish him well or keep trying to make things work?
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  5. #8845
    Pineapple! ClosetRTWatcher's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Bunny - I agree with all the other posters that you should cut ties immediately. I would be tempted to actually write down what he has said to you and when he has contacted you so far while it is fresh in your mind, and also write down if he tries again in the future. IF it turns out that he doesn't back off then you will have the info documented if you need to contact the authorities. He sounds like a creep, so be careful!

    Melitta - Unfortunately there is no easy answer to your scenario. It sounds like he is saying if the family decides they don't like her then he is going to cut ties, which seems almost like a lose-lose scenario. As much as I would hate to see my child treated so poorly, I would hesitate to cut ties and lose the opportunity to be there for both him and his kids. I *think* I would try to bite my tongue and hope that he comes around and sees her true colors. I have never been in this situation, but I'm sure that's easier said than done. I'm curious what others will have to say.

  6. #8846
    PWS
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Melitta--wow, she sounds awful. A friend of mine has a son in a similar situation---while on a "break" in his relationship with his very nice long term girlfriend he got involved with a woman who already had 2 children by 2 different men (and her mother had done the same), and despite warnings that she was just looking to latch onto someone with a job he got her pregnant. The mother of the baby and her mother are really awful, but because of the grandchild my friend is also very torn. In this case again one really feels for the children, both the boy and the girl. I"m curious who they think will take care of the girl once the dad is off in the military...I'd think this woman would want him to stay home. And does she plan to go on living with the "old man" during this time? Does she think he's going to cook dinner for her? It is tempting to think both her husbands joined up to get away from her! Yikes!
    I think you have to decide whether you can handle the stress just to watch over the children involved. If they didn't exist it would be a no brainer to distance yourself until your stepson comes to his senses. And easy to do once he's overseas...you'd never have to see her.

  7. #8847
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    My question is, who is going to watch the baby when your stepson is in the military? I'd say you shouldn't try to cut ties right now. You may need to be able to monitor the situation when he leaves for basic training. This girl doesn't sound like anyone who will listen to reason or compromise in any way, so all you can do is wait until your step son has his fill of her, (that might take awhile, but it will happen), and be there if the children need anything.
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  8. #8848
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I wouldn't cut ties, but I would stop trying to challenge your stepson at all on his relationship with her for two reasons. First, he did make a baby with her and he needs to live with that choice, whether it be to work it out with her, split, whatever. They're always going to have a child together. Second, when people have to defend their spouse to their family all the time they tend to gloss over the rocky moments and dwell on the good moments. When they aren't defending that person any more, the flaws become a lot more visible.

    I would just keep mum and be there if the phone rings. Remember that you're getting second-hand information about her - I have a hard time believing anyone could literally stay in a room all day with a 2-year-old! - and all of your husband's parents' stories sound very one-sided. They need to kick the couple out if it's that bad, not spread stories to all the relatives to build a case against her.
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  9. #8849
    FORT Fanatic Melitta's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Thanks all for the input. I have been telling my husband that his boy is a grown man with two kids, he needs to work this out on his own. We need to just step back and see what happens. But, then I worry if it will appear that we just don't care about him and that isn't what I want either. I think some of my step son's sticking by her is he really wants it to work, whether it costs him his family or not. He told me that he didn't want another failed relationship with a kid, just before he married her. It is just very hard not to say anything cause she is so rough on him. The other day when we tried to have the talk with him, she was telling him he was getting fat and he needed to go work out more before he went to basic training. My step son has never been fat and the pants he was wearing that day were pants that I've seen him wear before. He had a belt on to keep them up. On the other hand, she has gained about 10 or 15 pounds. He is 6'2" and weighs around 185. I had to bite my tongue, not to ask her if she had looked in a mirror lately, but I didn't want to be rude and make the situation worse. I am not sure why she is so quick to put someone down. This girl is pretty. She was very petite when we met her and she lost most of the weight from the pregnancy. She didn't gain much cause she was constantly running. She kept telling me how much she hated being pregnant and couldn't wait to just get the kid out so she could run without the extra weight and could drink whenever she wanted.

    Hepcat, she really does stay in the room all day. I have been there before when we were there for about 6 hours and she came out once. Despite being cooped up in a room all day, the baby seems as if she is OK and has no problems coming to us when we are there. Now, the DIL does come out of the room when my step son is there. Inlaws were refering that she stays in the room the whole time my step son is at work. Sorry I could have been a little more clear on that. The baby is almost 1 and I have asked the same question. How can she stay in the room ALL day with a baby and how is that good for the baby? They told me that DIL won't eat or drink all day, but I suspect she is snacking of some sort, so that she only has to come out to get the baby's bottle. I asked my SIL how she was still gaining weight if she didn't eat all day? She said that she eats at night once the inlaws have gone to bed. This girl does not like vegtables of any kind...she is really picky so she eats a lot of frozen pizza's and burgers and stuff like that.

    We are not sure who is going to watch the baby other than her. She is suppose to be moving back in with her dad while my step son is in basic training and then go wherever he is stationed. Unfortunately, her dad lives about an hour to an hour and a half away from us, so I can assume that we won't see much of the baby once my step son is gone for basic. We have already been uninvited for the 1st birthday.
    Play by the rules, you will miss all the fun!
    Toby Keith, Jacky Don Tucker

  10. #8850
    FORT Fanatic Melitta's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by PWS;3845334;
    Melitta-- I"m curious who they think will take care of the girl once the dad is off in the military...I'd think this woman would want him to stay home.
    I was wondering how come my step son joined. SHE doesn't want the kid, so why doesn't SHE join and let him be home with the baby? Makes more sense to me.
    Play by the rules, you will miss all the fun!
    Toby Keith, Jacky Don Tucker

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