Talk about your troubles

[cali]

OK, here I am and I feel like a witch because I have not offered up any advice in this thread, yet an here to ask for some.

What a loser.

Anyway, I know the mods and writers have to be sick of hearing me yammer on, so I thought I'd spread the wealth and come to you folks for advice

I'll try to keep the back story short: ****just finished typing and it's longer than I thought... sorry ****

8th grade daughter tries out for and makes the first ever high school JV soccer team (we just live in a football/baseball place) One of only two 8th graders to make it... both girls ...Many of her soccer friends try out too. Her boyfriend makes the JV team as goalie. two other friends make the team and yet two more who are make the varsity team.

coach then takes boyfriend/goalie to play in 3 varsity games against teams that have no JV (one was a scrimmage, the other was the same school twice) He kicks butt, is written up in the paper as the wonderful new goalie (even though they lost all games) and the coach takes him to Varsity as he's a damn good goalie. No one is surprised, but the coach doesn't make it official until Wednesday so there has been so real goalie training going on. First game was Thursday.

Sooooooo, I get to the game and boyfriends mom is pulling up asking if I'd heard the news...

The coach tells the kids ON THE BUS that he is pulling FIVE Varsity players to JV. This leaves the Varsity (who have won TWO games in SEVEN years) with ONE sub. It gives the JV team that already had 4 subs NINE extra kids.

Now this pisses me off for all the kids across the board. I will complain about the fact that my 8th grade daughter who was supposed to start wound up with 15 minutes of play time. I was already pissed because she has been a right wing for 6 seasons in the rec league, was the highest scorer on her team and had numerous assists but he plays her at Midfield. Then last night when he puts her in he puts her in defense. He said she had the speed to go after the kids who were getting past the other defense players. Whatever, if she was up front or at mid they wouldn't get back there :rolleyes

Anyway my daughter doesn't want me to say anything because "he's the coach and she'll do whatever needs to be done" and "I'm only in 8th grade, so it's expected that I sit a lot to pay my dues". OK, good kid, but mom is still pissed. THEN I hear they my be bringing in another 9th grader to play. He didn't go to try outs, has never been to a practice and they are going to let him join? WTF?

Do I say something to the coach against my daughters wishes? Don't the parents deserve something here? God, they all got sweatshirts with the logo, their names AND THEIR NUMBERS on them... one of the Varsity 10th graders that moved down has my daughters number and wants it back! Uhg... I think I'm irrational.

Any coaches out there dealt with freak moms before? Any advice from any of you???

[JLuvs]

egads..... I am not sure exactly what I would say but I know for sure that I could not just sit back and let it happen.

I will see if I am can come up with some advice.

[Covaleskie]

Cali --

Whew. Sounds like a complex situation. I understand why you would want to talk to the coach, but I can also understand why your daughter would rather not "rock the boat."

My only advice is this: As an educator, I have seen too many poor teachers who take out anger/frustration with a parent out on the kids. If you do talk to the coach, keep it as nonconfrontational as possible. Lots of questions: Does JV need more subs than Varsity? Do you think that my daughter will get more play time in future games? I would start a lot of sentences with words like, "I'm not sure I understand..." or "Could you help me have a better understanding..." If the coach believes that you are there to clarify rather than criticize then things may go better for you and your daughter.

Also, you mentioned that this is the first ever JV soccer team. If you decide to talk to the coach, you might mention that you understand that he/she is in new territory with the JV team, that it must be difficult to juggle the responsibilities of both teams, etc. Acknowledging that the coach may have a lot on his/her plate at the start of the meeting might be helpful.

[J.D.]

Akkkk - it's so tough to be in that situation, Cali. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through that coach/player/parent crap. I am SO grateful my kids are grown and gone. Long gone.

One of my sons-in-law is a hockey coach/ref, which, of course, makes me an expert on all things "coach". From the way I read things here, it sounds like your daughter has a damn good grip on the situation, and might not need any help.

{look out...here comes JD's standard "how to" rhetoric} I think it is our job as parents to raise our children to be the best adults they can be, so when they finally leave the nest, or we boot them out, whichever happens first, they can fly on their own. From what you say about your daughter's outlook, attitude, and accomplishments, you've already done a fine job. She's young - but showing a wonderful amount of maturity. Congratulate yourself, and sit back and enjoy watching her do her thing. You've set her on the right path - and that's the most important thing you can do. Ever.

[famita]

Cali-I intervened a few times w/my sons and I personally regretted it. The results were less than what they would have been if I had said nothing. BUT, you have to do what you have to do. Good luck!

[AJane]

One of my sons-in-law is a hockey coach/ref, which, of course, makes me an expert on all things "coach". From the way I read things here, it sounds like your daughter has a damn good grip on the situation, and might not need any help.

My husband coaches soccer, was a hockey coach, and currently refs hockey. I can totally relate to your indignation on your girl's behalf, Cali, but I think she has the situation well in hand. She's showing a lot of maturity and excellent sportsmanship from the sounds of things, and she obviously has confidence in her playing ability as she sees all this as being part of "paying her dues". Good on her.

I've seen more than my share of ugly-sports-parent behaviour as well, as I used to work at a sports facility. Team sports work best if the parents are supportive but NOT interfering (unless there's some REAL bad stuff going on, that's going to cause serious physical or emotional damage. I'm talking Sheldon Kennedy-type bad stuff).

I would chalk all this up to the inevitable organizational problems that are part of starting up a new program. I mean, I would be pissed too. But in the event that my rational side would prevail in the same situation - I would just tell my girl that if she was OK with it, then I would leave it alone.

[EvaLaruefan]

Goodluck Cali. It's a tough situation. I'd probably listen to my daughter's wishes though, even if I was burning up inside. Goodluck!

[hungry_hippo]

Okay my issue is probably gonna seem so small compared to you guys.Well i have two best friends (a guy and a girl) and i love them both dearly.Lately though they have developped feelings for eachother and are taking the relationship to the next level.So now my best friends are seeing eachother and I'm the only person that knows and they don't want me to tell anyone...and i feel left out cuz ive been with them for 4 years and now they wanna be alone and although i have other friends it doesnt feel the same.Help what should i do.Also it sucks cuz things wont ever be the same between the 3 of us.We won't have the good times we ustoo have...Thanks for taking the time to read this and hopefully someone knows what im going threw.

[roseskid]

Cali, Lil Rose played soccer for many years, but never got good enough, young enough, to have your daughter's problems (), but I've seen other parents go through this sort of thing. I think J.D., Famita, Covaleskie, AJane and Eva (phew!) have given you excellent advice. I totally agree with them, too about Lil Cali. She sounds like a great, good-head-on-her shoulders girl. You've done a terrific job preparing her for life.

However, having one sub for one team, and nine subs for another team seems crazy to me. If you wanted to ask gently, why they would do that, I don't think that's out of line. But if Lil Cali really doesn't want mom interfering, I would go along with her wishes.


Hungry_Hippo, I'd say, give it a little time...problems like this sometimes have a way of fixing themselves, given just a little time. Good luck.

[cali]

I think I've actually calmed down a bit and will ask the assisitant coach... who is much more parent friendly about the sub situation.

Thanks guys

Hungry, I'd like to help, but absolutely HAVE to go. I'll be back soon