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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #6471
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    ARC: Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. My sweetie has finally finished up his work and is heading up this afternoon. I'm not sure if I will bring it up this week; but it is better not to drag this out. I know he's always excited to see me and to have me visit. And if I want to go back to being friends, rather than exclusively dating, he will be sad. He hasn't really done anything wrong; it's just the situation of being apart that is starting to sadden and frustrate me. I know he'd like the situation to stay the same forever or better yet, that I move to be with him.
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  2. #6472
    FORT Fogey ScoutMom's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Wow, that's a really difficult position to be in, misskitty. Whatever decision you make, I just hope that you're comfortable with it. I'll be thinking of you.

  3. #6473
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    misskitty. Long distance relationships can really wear on you emotionally. Some people say it makes them stronger as a couple though so chin up!
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  4. #6474
    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I swear that the weirdos follow me.

    I met a woman through the museum that I thought was fun, smart and someone I'd like to get to know. We've been out to lunch, I had her over for dinner, we've talked on the phone. The more I get to know her the more apparant it is that she is not playing with a full deck and she is OBSESSED with the people at the museum and one person in particular. She has basicaly stalked him to the point where he is considering getting a restraining order on her. He told me yesterday that she has been sending him emails detailing my conversations with her and that I had mentioned to her that I thought he was gay. Well it's not true and I told him so. I picked up fairly early on that she was fishing for information about people in the museum so I blew her off on that subject saying that I did not know those people all that well, I didnt' socialize with them and when I'm there, I'm working as are they (and that's pretty much the truth).

    I have since found out that her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order on her and now I'm afraid she's going to keep trying to undermine me with the staff at the museum.

    I talked to the one person that is having the most trouble with her and assured him that I do not gossip about anyone in the museum and I wouldn't tell her anything anyway.

    Now how do I extract myself from this situation and from her?
    I sent her an email saying I didn't appreciate her using me and our conversations (which while private aren't about any national secrets, etc.) and telling an out and o ut lie to someone and saying it had come from me.

    I hate these kinds of games. She is definetly one french fry short of a Happy Meal and I am so pissed off to have been put in the middle of something between her and another person. I am glad he told me because he knows me well enough to have known I wouldn't say that and he was giving me a heads up on what he's been going through and was trying to warn me about her.

    Why do I get all the freaks? How do I extracate myself from this situation?
    And apparantly she is the kind of person that if I do say: "leave me alone", she isn't going to and is going to spread lies around about me as she has already started doing.

    Do I take this up with the museum director who also knows her? I want to prevent her from spreading stuff about me to the people at the museum and I am pretty confident that most of them think she's nuts too. But unfortunately the museum director likes her.

    She seems like the kind of person that if I were to cross her would make me "pay" for it.
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  5. #6475
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Geez, MRD, that is a tough place to be. After telling her that you do not want any further contact, I wouldn't listen or take any of her calls. I would tell the museum that you had a difficulty with her and that you were severing contact with her and that you'd appreciate anything they could do to help you. I hope that that's all it would take. (and I'm wavering on the museum angle, but only on the professional level. Could she do anything to hurt your chances for a full time job?)

  6. #6476
    Never a dull moment! chrelsey's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Wow, MRD, she certainly does sound like a nut case. What makes this even harder is that you said that the one person you need to talk to, the museum director, likes her.

    Talking to the director would probably be a good idea, if - for no other reason - than to have it on record that you have concerns. It would be better to establish a "starting point" now, rather than first voicing your concerns should the situation escalate. I think, too, that if/when you do talk to the director, it would be best to simply deal with the factual rather than the emotional - I have found that when I present my case calmly and factually, I tend to have more credibility than when I let my emotions come through. Also, if there is any way that you can keep your communication with her (the nut case) to e-mail, and follow up face-to-face conversations with an e-mail summarizing the conversation, it will help to establish actual written documentation, which might help eliminate any type of "I never said that" on her part.

    And, since there really is strength in numbers, if other people are having similar problems with her, it will lend credibility if they could also talk to the museum director. Not at the same time, of course, because you don't want to come across as being on a witch hunt (although "witch" is probably a nicer word for her than you might use ), but it would be harder for the director to "poo poo" this as being just a personal issue between the two of you if others are also voicing similar concerns.

    And, if there is no resolution or help from the museum director, figure out where you need to go from there - and don't rule out obtaining a restraining order if necessary. Its sad, but true, that you never really know what people are capable of, and establishing legal boundaries early on might not be a bad thing!
    Last edited by chrelsey; 07-16-2008 at 10:52 AM. Reason: Just clarifying . . .
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  7. #6477
    FORT Fogey ScoutMom's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I agree with everyone so far - it's a very delicate situation. You never know when you start a new job or when someone new is hired if people are "normal" or a little "out there". When I'm put into a situation like that, where there are people that I don't know, I generally try to hold back a little and see what they're like before jumping in. People tend to think I'm a little shy, and I'm really not. I'm not good with small talk - never know what to say to people I don't know well. But then once I see what people are like, I either stay away from them if they're of the "out there" variety, or try to make friends if they're "normal". (What I call normal, anyway!)

    I agree that you should calmly talk to the museum director and just present the facts. Following it up with an e-mail is a great way to document your conversation, and if there's anything the director doesn't agree with about how the conversation went, then he/she has the perfect opportunity to correct it. I've done that more times than I can count. Not only does it cover your butt, but it also presents a professional demeanor.

    I hope everything works out.

  8. #6478
    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Thanks guys. I think I will make it a point to speak to the museum director and say that I am having a slight problem with this woman and wanted to give her a heads up on it. I'll keep it very professional. The funny thing (not funny ha ha, funny strange) is that the museum historian does have an actual stalker. She has had to not only get a restraining order, but they have posted the picture of the stalker in the breakroom and we are to alert security if this woman shows up. Now I'm afraid we have stalker number 2 brewing. The historian is also a university professor and the university had to remove this stalker from campus due to her constantly harrassing the historian/professor.
    Fortunately I was not involved in any way with that situation at all.

    The thing is that I too have been very reticient about opening up to new people since moving here and this particular woman and I met at a reception at the museum, chatted for a bit and found out we had a lot in common. She suggested lunch and we met for lunch. The first meeting was normal. She seemed very interesting. Since then we've chatted on the phone a few times and I invited her for dinner as I wanted my husband to meet her as she's restoring an historic house and had mentioned that she needs a contractor. He met her and thought she was smart and interesting and funny and didn't see any of the weirdness I have seen.

    But in our phone conversations, she started coming across very strange. I had limited my contact with her because I had started to see that she was not playing with a full deck.

    But now from what I have gathered from the person at the museum and some things she has emailed me and said on the phone that this could escalate for him into the movie Fatal Attraction. I am not scared of her myself. Her obsession seems to be him, but it's apparant now she was using me to get to him. I just don't want to cause any more attention to fall on me.
    I've become very adept at flying under the radar and hope to keep it that way. But geez, how do you know when someone is really crazy? Like I said, my first few contacts with her fell in the normal range and other than asking me a lot of stuff about people in the museum, I didn't think she was that weird, but the more contact I've had with her, the weirder she gets.

    I am going to cease communication with her (I have pretty much anyway, I don't answer her phone calls anymore, but she continues to email me) and talk to the museum director and just hope that she goes away. I think telling her out and out to leave me alone will just make it worse as that is what the guy at the museum did and she has stepped up her harrassment of him since then.
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  9. #6479
    FORT Fogey brunette trixie's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    mrd, I think everyone here offered some really good advice, I just wanted to wish you good luck. How strange it must be in that woman's mind.

  10. #6480
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Okay, first I would let the museum director know, but I would also file a report with Human Resources. If the director is friendly with this potential stalker, she may not do anything about it. (Our management where I work is incredibly inefficient and our boss wasn't doing anything about our complaints with a scary colleague. Only when someone reported it to Human Resources did anything get done.)

    Also, I would go in with the stalkee to see the museum director. There is strength in numbers, but you also don't want it to seem like a witchhunt showing up with 15 people! The reason I would go in with him rather than alone, though, is because often people say they will report something, but they don't. (I had an instance once where I came off as the lone crazy person because although a handful of people had the same problem, I was the only one that reported it. (To make it worse, they all denied it had happened because they were fearful of making waves and losing their job.)

    And even if he refuses, you should still do it. Stalking is a serious issue. Good luck MRD!

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