Talk about your troubles

[MRD]

I have to add on the bi-polar/depression discussion: I am extremely blessed with my husband. He knew when we started dating that I was struggling with depression. At that time I was not controlling it very well. But in the 22 years we've been together, having him be so wonderful, so supportive and just loving me have made a world of difference in my own successes with dealing with depression.

I asked him not long ago if he regretted getting involved with me because of the stuggles I've had over the years and he told me that he loved ME and he loved all of me and that he knew I couldn't help being "sick" and that because he loved me, he was willing to put up with some not so great times and was also very willing to help me overcome these same problems.

I have to say that if it weren't for him and his patience, love and understanding, I'm not sure I would be here today saying that I think I have been successful in dealing with my depression in the last few years.

Did he make a difference? YES, ABSOLUTELY.

So maybe your son shay can make a difference in this girls life.
I know my husband did in mine and I am forever grateful and thankful for him being in my life.

[just1paul]

Great posts myrosiedog!

[misskitty]

myrosiedog: I'm so very sorry to hear of your friend's daughter having been committed to a mental facility. However, it is probably the best place for her given that she needs protection, care, and a proper diagnosis and medication. Hopefully, with time, her life will improve. I realize it must be so very frustrating for this young teens' family and friends to see her in such a place. Mental Illness can be severe and lifelong. I pray that she gets the medical, and psychological help she needs and her condition sees improvement over time.

prohshay: I agree with myrosiedog that it is a good thing that this girl knows about her bi-polar illness, is probably on medication for it, and gave your son some information about it. I am slightly bi-polar and am doing quite well. Some people who have the illness can become violent or angry. Others, express their imbalanced energy in other ways that are not harmful to themselves or others. I think it is important, though, that your son be aware of her condition and not take the relationship lightly. It's not funny having the condition, and it wouldn't be funny that he is dating her because he thinks any bi-polar tendencies she may have are "funny". People with mental illness have feelings too.

[prhoshay]

I don't think the word "funny" even slightly comes into play in this. She has even gone after him at least once that I know of...and she called me to tell on him. I'm just concerned that he does not fully recognize the tenuous nature that can be involved in a relationship like this. And, from what I've read, if there is a pregnancy, there is about a 50% chance that the chemical imbalance can be passed along to the child.

[MRD]

prhoshay,

May I reccomend you reading some information about bi-polar and talking to others that have it. I totally understand your concerns and if she's "gone after" your son, she isn't taking her meds. But perhaps he can do what my husband did for me and she can live a fairly normal life with a good man helping her and her taking meds. And remember there is a 50% chance that a child wouldn't have bi-polar as well. But I've always found that having information about a subject arms me with knowledge and understanding and ammunition should I choose to have a talk with the person in question.

I think you'd probably be amazed to know that the people you work with, live near, interact with daily, are friends with, have some form of "mental illness". I once read a statistic that 20% of the population suffers from depression. That's fairly significant.

But many of those people you know could be bi-polar, depressed, OCD, etc. and manage their lives quite well, are responsible, raise children successfully, and just choose n ot to discuss their problems.

I'm fairly open about my depression. I used to be ashamed of it and I wouldn't talk about it, but I've met so many people that struggle with the fact they have it and have to take medication that I have quit being ashamed and share my story if it can help other people. No one LIKES to have to take daily medication, but I see these types of mental illnesses as no different from someone with diabetes or thyroid problems, etc.

And today is so much better than when I was diagnosed as there are so many more options available today than there were 25 years ago.

I would talk to your son about your concerns and maybe convince him to take her to a bi-polar support group. I think both would benefit from it. But ultimately she has to be the one to decide to "treat" it. But quite honestly, having someone in my life like my husband went a long way into me seeking to really take the bulls by the horn and get the medication and therapy I needed to deal with it instead of just struggle with it.

I am a huge proponet of mental illness awareness. I know many people that suffer from some form of it and I have a brother that is schizophrenic. And it's not something you can "just get over". I've heard THAT my whole life. Wish it were that easy.
But it's hard enough to have an illness you are struggling with and then have to deal with friends and family that don't understand it and condemn you for it. I've been there too.

But you can turn this into something positive by arming yourself with knowledge about her condition and making sure your son is armed with that same information and knows that if he chooses to spend his life with her, he will have some rough times, but he will also have some great ones too. However, she is going to have to face her problems and deal with them.

[famita]

Remember, life is all about those 50% chances. For every bad thing, I believe there is something good that counteracts. My ex was bipolar and wasn't diagnosed until after the divorce. When he took his meds he was wonderful. The boys learned to stay away (and he did too) when he didn't take them.

My younger son's girlfriend is either depressed or bipolar, depending on the day she talks about it. I don't know what her meds are, but she and my son seem to know all about it. I have decided that what ever they decide to do is not my business. I have stepped out of the picture. I can only hope that they make good choices in life.

[prhoshay]

Remember, life is all about those 50% chances. For every bad thing, I believe there is something good that counteracts. My ex was bipolar and wasn't diagnosed until after the divorce. When he took his meds he was wonderful. The boys learned to stay away (and he did too) when he didn't take them.

My younger son's girlfriend is either depressed or bipolar, depending on the day she talks about it. I don't know what her meds are, but she and my son seem to know all about it. I have decided that what ever they decide to do is not my business. I have stepped out of the picture. I can only hope that they make good choices in life.

Ah yes...that wonderful word 'when'. If she were my child, that would be a different story, but she's not and he is. She, and her people, deal with her end of the situation. I've got enough on my plate without taking on her issues, too. My son lives about 120 miles from me, and it's always been the case that if I say the sky is blue, he will resist and insist it's green....just because. That's why I've decided to try to "step out of the picture" and hope that the picture will resolve itself. She even lives a couple of hours from him, luckily. Sometimes you've just got to let go and let God. I think that's where I am. He's grown, and I can't live his life for him or make his decisions for him. I'm just not about taking on other people's problems...even my son's. He's got to learn to stand on his own 2 feet, which has been my goal his entire life. He can't be a man with his mother trying to run his life. Sometimes, life's lessons are hard ones. I'm hoping for good choices, too.

I am hoping for no child from this relationship. I don't really think it's fair to bring a child into the world when you know, out front, there is a significant chance that the child may have a condition that will haunt it for the rest of its life. That's making the decision about you, and not the child. I'm not about perfection, here, but let's not handicap a person when we know the possibility is real. Life is rough enough.

I have worked around/dealt with/talked with persons with mental illnesses, including bi-polar disorders. The unpredictability factor is what worries me the most. I've learned that some of these people are seriously enabled, and use this as a manipulative tool. That's not saying that their problems are not real.

I guess when the time is right...or worse...I may do some more reading on the disorder.

[famita]

wow, prhoshay. Being that I know where you're coming from, I think it's a good thing that you and I are stepping back. We all try to do our best to raise good healthy kids and hope that they turn into well-rounded adults. With my youngest, I might not agree that it would be in his best interest to make the choices that he makes, but it is his life. I have talked to my mother and she reminded me that she had a very hard time accepting the choices that I made years ago for my life. I guess it's always hard to accept that our "babies" are adults and that it's time to let them go. I am actually looking forward to mine and his girlfriend finding a new place to live. Away from me. Where I don't have to pick up after 3 people and worry about having enough food for 3. Independence is a good thing, I've decided. I am declaring my independence! (Ok, I'll step down from the soapbox now)
Anyway, I agree that it's hard to let go, but sometimes it's for the best. And sometimes, when you step back and don't hound(like I tend to do sometimes), our children tend to remember what we taught them and end up making good life choices. We have to let them take the chance. I'm hoping for all our kids to make right choices.

[just1paul]

Maybe it is time to just step back and let the offspring make the mistakes, if they do. If the offspring call because there is trouble, help them out ONCE. After that while it may be hard just stand back, don't offer advice, or help but be a sympathetic ear, as hard as it may be.

[PWS]

I agree with mrd that there are a lot of people with depression or bipolar disease out there that we don't even know about. One semester I was teaching a relatively small class and had a FIFTH of the students come see me about problems they were having keeping up because of problems they were having with their meds (aside from whether they take them regularly you have the issue that sometimes the body adapts to them, so they need a new drug or a higher level of the old one--but you only find that out when you start to demonstrate depressive or manic symptoms)---and that fifth were just the ones having trouble with their meds--presumably there were others in the same class whose meds were working just fine, but with the same problems. Interesting all those students thought they were the only student I'd ever met with their problem, were terribly embarrassed, etc. When the last one came in and started down the same path I actually burst out laughing when she got to the "I'm the only one" part (then had to explain of course!). Then I emailed each of them and asked if they wouldn't like to connect with the others with the same issue and when they said yes I set up a little subset of our class website for them. They "published" some things on the site for the rest of the class about the issue, and I think felt a whole lot better. All of them were good conscientious students who were trying hard to keep things under control.
However another year I also had one brilliant student who didn't keep her bipolar disease under control...she'd disappear for months in the depressive phase and then reappear in the manic phase, work 80 hours straight, and turn in fantastic papers. I think she didn't like the dulled down sensations of life on drugs...
So prhoshay, I think a lot depends on how she manages things, how severe it is, etc. She seems to be being fairly mature about it--giving him the pamphlet (although, yes, she could be manipulating him--being "interesting"--hard to tell from the outside). Him, not so much... liking the drama is something that can wear out pretty soon...and heaven forfend that there's drama with kids around. He should definitely make sure to bring his own contraception to the party.... Of course we all want our kids to marry someone with great genes, so I sympathize, but pretty much anyone they marry is going to have some problems...some we just don't know about until later.