Talk about your troubles

[MRD]

I would be VERY surprised if they jailed him for such a paltry amount. My brother owed around 30,000.. he put off paying and they just kept adding penalitys and interest..no talk of jail. Your Dad is most likely just trying to get some cash from you. He is playing on your sympathies, hoping that you'll come thru. Don't fall for it.

My problem and I need advice. My DH and my son (his stepfather) are getting into a power struggle. DS is 16. I admit sometimes I can go easy on him, but I do try to follow thru and be consistent with discipline. DH thinks I "baby" him and let him do whatever he wants.

DS has been putting off doing some things. Namely, taking his car in for an estimate. (a friend backed into him) Helping DH fix his computer (DS's computer) and taking the lawnmower in for repair (DS's fault-he leaves in out in the weather) I have been more relaxed about keeping on DS because he is so busy with school and band, etc. etc. He hardly has any time for personal persuits. KWIM? DH is getting tired of this. He has started saying things to DS, bordering on rude/mean. This is in the past day or so. DH and I are starting to fight about it.

I had a talk with DS. Explaining that he needed to get going on this stuff. To show some effort. I loved him and know he is super busy, but lets get going on this.

Should DH (stepdad) be involved in disciplene matters? We have shared custody with his Dad, who is very much in the picture... I just want some guidelines on how to handle this stuff.

I am not quite in your situation, but I do have a 16 year old that works and goes to school. But it does not mean she gets a free ride at home. I am not super diligent about making her do her chores, but she does have them and she needs to do them. Time management is something that all of us have to learn at one point or another in life and the younger its learned is probably the better.
As adults, our time is extremely busy, but I also know that I have certain responsibilities that need to be done regardless of what else I have going on.
I now write EVERYTHING down on my calender, even if its trivial because I've found that if I write something trivial like send aunt a note, then it will get done. If it's not on my calender then I tend to put it off. But I get such satisfaction by crossing things OFF my list, that I write it all down. Maybe such a system would work for the son.

As for the stepfather/stepson relationship, my mother had 2 stepsons (my brothers) and when they lived with my parents, they had to abide by the rules of the house, including my mom's and not just their dad's. Since your son lives with you and his stepfather, then there should be rules and consequences that all 3 of you are aware of and maybe sitting down and talking amongst the 3 of you about the problems, the things needing to be done and what is going to happen should they not get done, would make it easier on all the relationships. Just because he is the stepfather and not the bio father, doesn't mean he gets no say. It's his house too. It's all 3 of your's home and in our house it takes EVERYONE that lives here making an effort to make things run and it should be in other households as well regardless of who's related to who.

[livin4reality]

Thanks MRD.

The time management does seem to be DS's biggest issue here. He does put things off. Drives me batty. I have a mental "to do" list. Although I have been known to leave those lists for others.

DH feelings on the discipline are mixed. He has never really been around kids, much less raising them. He would rather I do it. There are other factors too. His Dad was very strict. DH is also homebound most of the time due to health issues so I'm sure these things get on his nerves more. But having a sit-down with the three of us is a good idea. Actually I have no problem if he wants to take a more active role. I think that would be good. At least I wouldn't have to act as a referee...which really sucks.

I think I'll also talk to DS's dad about this. I'm sure he will side with my DH. Ah, I have a soft spot for my boy.

[MRD]

Thanks MRD.

The time management does seem to be DS's biggest issue here. He does put things off. Drives me batty. I have a mental "to do" list. Although I have been known to leave those lists for others.

DH feelings on the discipline are mixed. He has never really been around kids, much less raising them. He would rather I do it. There are other factors too. His Dad was very strict. DH is also homebound most of the time due to health issues so I'm sure these things get on his nerves more. But having a sit-down with the three of us is a good idea. Actually I have no problem if he wants to take a more active role. I think that would be good. At least I wouldn't have to act as a referee...which really sucks.

I think I'll also talk to DS's dad about this. I'm sure he will side with my DH. Ah, I have a soft spot for my boy.

We'll they are our kids, we all have those soft spots.

I have found that when EVERYONE here is on the same page about things, that it does run smoother. And sitting down occasionally and talking without arguing about things works well. I did a parent/child contract a few years ago with our daughter when we were having a hard time getting her to do anything (I know it was the age) and we outlined our expectations and the consequences. Once she knew ahead of time what would happen if she did NOT do her chores, made it easier. The problem we were having was she would not do her chores and I would then say: "OK, you can't go to the movies with friends now" and that made things even worse. So once we sat down and said: We expect homework and chores to be done or you will not be able to go do things outside the house with your friends. She got a lot better about things as she knew ahead of time what the punishment was going to be instead of it being a "surprise".

Good luck. Don't you wish they came with an owners manual?

ETA: and we had to put a time limit on it too. Because she would put stuff off. I just remembered that. She had certain chores and I had to write them down with the days and times we expected them to be done by or there was consequences. So that really helped insure that the things got done when they were supposed to.

[livin4reality]

An owner's manual would be very nice. The time limit is a great idea too.

I really don't know why I've let this go on the way it has. Normally I'm pretty on top of things like this. I know with DD (13) I have no problem with making my expectations known.

OMG. The other day she who shall be known as "Queen of the messes" found a recipe she begged to try. A lovely concoction of cherry pie filling, sweetened condensed milk, and whipped cream. I let her make it. Arrggh. She managed to get it everywhere. I had found this pinkish, sticky stuff all over. In the fridge, freezer, coffee maker, cabinets, floor? How does that happen? This is the one who is a nut about tape. She used to put tape on the floor as a pre-schooler. She also put hand lotion in the bottom of the tiolet-which stupid me, thought would eventually flush away but didn't and hardened into this green stuff that had to be chipped off. She gets dish soap on the kitchen faucet, so one will get a glass of soapy water... She helpfully added dish soap to the dishwasher. Yup, got a kitchen full of soap suds on that one. But she is such a sweetie. Loves to cook and is helpful in the kitchen beyond all her messes.

[misskitty]

pwettybird: I totally agree with gabriel. Your Dad is an adult. If he made adult problems he should deal with them in an adult way. And that is not to be asking his daughter for her money, again. :nono

livin4reality: You have some great advice from myrosiedog! A sit-down discussion is a great start as well as to-do lists. Every weekend, we had to do our chores before we got to do anything else. Mind you, the fear of God worked really well too!
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My little problem is that I went to color my hair before my vacation and they didn't have the shade I usually use. So I bought a lower number. A medium brown. Unfortunately, it had mahogany in it which really took to the blond highlights I had already. Kazaam! Burgundy hair! Yikes. So I went and got another box of dark ash brown (apparently the ash takes out the red) and voila! I now have almost black hair with reddish highlights.
Attachment 22573
Meowza! I is goth misskitty!

[MRD]

An owner's manual would be very nice. The time limit is a great idea too.

I really don't know why I've let this go on the way it has. Normally I'm pretty on top of things like this. I know with DD (13) I have no problem with making my expectations known.

OMG. The other day she who shall be known as "Queen of the messes" found a recipe she begged to try. A lovely concoction of cherry pie filling, sweetened condensed milk, and whipped cream. I let her make it. Arrggh. She managed to get it everywhere. I had found this pinkish, sticky stuff all over. In the fridge, freezer, coffee maker, cabinets, floor? How does that happen? This is the one who is a nut about tape. She used to put tape on the floor as a pre-schooler. She also put hand lotion in the bottom of the tiolet-which stupid me, thought would eventually flush away but didn't and hardened into this green stuff that had to be chipped off. She gets dish soap on the kitchen faucet, so one will get a glass of soapy water... She helpfully added dish soap to the dishwasher. Yup, got a kitchen full of soap suds on that one. But she is such a sweetie. Loves to cook and is helpful in the kitchen beyond all her messes.

A little liquid fabric softener added to the dishwasher, will take the massive suds away. You then have to rewash the dishes, but at least its better than mopping up a sudsy mess that has overflowed the dishwasher.

[pwettybird]

Thank you for all the help, I really do appreciate it. Im still confused and stressed on what to do, being a 20 year old adult, I just don't want to see my dad in jail, but the more I read what everyone has to say, I don't think he really is going to go to jail, I think he needs the money for maybe either Christmas or maybe he owes someone this much money.

[Lucy]

Pwettybird, I agree with the others -- do not give your father your money. From what you said he said to you about visiting him in jail, it sounds like he's trying to guilt-trip you. The people in this forum are right -- the IRS will garnish wages long before they'll put someone in jail, and they'll work out payment plans. So I doubt his story -- or, he's ignored letters from the IRS asking him to cooperate, and now it's come to this. Either way, it isn't your responsibility. Tell him you don't have the money (which you'd never see again if you gave it to him), or -- if he still claims the IRS is going to clap him in jail -- tell him you'll go with him to talk to the IRS about a payment plan. I'd bet he'll hem and haw over that one.

[MRD]

I just got back from the gastrointerologist and I am set for several exams including colonoscopy, endoscopy and biopsies. But after talking with me for a long time and taking an extensive history, the dr. said that he's heard a version of my story from many patients that have spent years being sent here and there, being told they have MS, Lupus,,blah, blah, blah and finally end up in his office and find out that they have Celiac's Disease which is a gluten intolerence.
While I would be relieved to ONCE AND FOR ALL find out EXACTLY what is wrong and to clear up the major tummy troubles I have, I have sat here and cried because apparantly with Celiacs, I can have nothing again that I really enjoy. I suppose its better to get healthy and be forced to eat healthy and to finally end the frustration of all the doctors and tests and all, but its also a major blow and its going to apparantly be a real struggle because everything and its brother has gluten in it.
Sorry to be such a downer. I'm home alone and just feel really depressed about this and oh, Merry Christmas, you get a colonoscopy from Santa this year as its scheduled for mid-December.

I've had one before which is another reason I'm not feeling the love right now. The procedure itself is easy, they knock you out. It's the stuff you have to do to prepare that really bites.

[just1paul]

Not much I can say myrosiedog except I'm thinking of you!