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  1. #4661
    Premium Member burntbrat's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    pwettybird you are so young and this is probably not what you want to hear, but... It sounds like you guys are in a cycle of self-destruction. Couples counseling would help because it sounds like you two don't know how to argue or compromise without it escalating into the end of the relationship, if you can agree to go together. But the silly things (like ringtones and wallpaper) you're fighting about are probably not really what you're fighting about. He gets mad and threatens to leave knowing you'll cry and beg him to stay. And you end up blaming yourself and saying that YOU want to change. Why should you be the only one who wants to change? Shouldn't you grow together as a couple? If your story is correct and you were just moving the cord around, why should he get mad about that?? Maybe it's time to take a step back, take a deep breath, take a break from each other. When it's the little things that are causing an eruption, there's definitely something more sinister lurking below. Did you guys jump in too soon? I think you might have a little soul-searching to do.
    One of these days I'll stop being sensitive. Until then, I'll continue to be devastated on a daily basis. Life breaks my heart.

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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    This is the only thing i can impart right now, do not beg. Not seriously or as a joke, you shouldn't ever have to beg.
    Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
    Infect me with your love and Fill me with your poison...

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    FORT Fanatic saintslovebell's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I hate to say it but maybe you are right, maybe we don't need counseling, maybe we just need to get out and be with our friends, a night away from each other. and maybe tomorrow what we need to do is go out to dinner and talk about things. try and work things out. we always do seem to be better the next day. I mean don't get me wrong we will talk maybe in an hour or so but it sucks that we do fight. We both hate fighting. I never learn from my mistakes in pushing him too far, I believe however that you are right, we both need to change and help each other. compromise is the key to a relationship.

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    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by pwettybird;2544743;
    I mean don't get me wrong we will talk maybe in an hour or so but it sucks that we do fight. We both hate fighting. I never learn from my mistakes in pushing him too far, I believe however that you are right, we both need to change and help each other. compromise is the key to a relationship.
    Maybe this isn't the right man for you--hate to be harsh but no, most (happy)couples do NOT argue several times a week. Trying to change your personality to suit seldom works either. If you're doing this now, what would happen if you ever got married, or God forbid at this point, pregnant?

    "I never learn from my mistakes in pushing him too far"

    This statement bothers me a lot. I've heard it too many times from women who are being physically abused, even though in the beginning it was only verbaql disagreements. Do not let him convince you, or you convince yourself, that it's all your fault. Please do consider some time apart.
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

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    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    There are millions of men in the US, and probably many thousands in your area that are about your age. Find one that has the good qualities of your boyfriend, but not the traits that drive you crazy.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
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  6. #4666
    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    update on my friend coming to stay.

    He and his daughter are going to go to his mom's in MI for a couple weeks first and then are coming here. So I've got some time to get prepared.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
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  7. #4667
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Catching up...so apologies in advance for being so longwinded....
    mrd--You are doing a great thing for your friend--as was already said, it IS financial help---and he's helped you it out so it's tit for tat--if he still talks about paying you back just tell him to pay it forward and help someone else. I only worry the the museum will want you to come in just when you are babysitting--yikes!
    snark--so many good things people have said--I could only add that your OCD is obviously not completely ok yet, as your worries about your sexuality are expressing themselves in a very OCD way. You could be totally at peace about your sexuality (which I agree, it seems you aren't yet) and the OCD would just pop up on some other issue. I know they have some drugs that seem to work on this...have your therapists had you try them out to see if they help? The whole OCD thing seems to be pushing you into depression (in fact I think it shows how emotionally tough you are that you are still able to get "up" after just an evening with your great-aunt as the social isolation you are in leads to depression just by itself for many), and there's some research out there now being done on what's called rumination and depression---where you go over and over the same depressing thoughts which leads to depression--much like your OCD is doing for you. One reason teen girls are thought to be so vulnerable to depression is they spend so much time on the phone with friends "co-ruminating"--going over and over what happened at school, etc.
    Anyway, my point, and I do have one, as Ellen would say, is that I think you need help for both the OCD and your self image issues about your sexuality. An earlier poster mentioned her anorexia--your image about your voice is apparently as out of touch with reality, by your own report, as her body image was, but both of you are/were obsessing over that unreality--thought that was a good analogy she made. So do see the group about being gay, which should also help with the social isolation, but also do ask your therapist if there isn't more you could do for your obsessive thoughts. You're a terrific guy, funny and well-written, and you should be having more fun--or learning to "enjoy having fun" as you said. And a blessing on your great-aunt, and do think about writing her stories--you are good at it! And they'd be fun to pass down to the next generation even if you don't want to publish them (after grandma is gone, of course! ).
    pwettybird---I agree, that phrase you used about it being your fault that you push his buttons and you have to learn "how" to not do that...very reminiscent of the phrases abused women use. Plus the whole cycle thing...the honeymoon after a big fight, then building tension until an explosion (even if still only verbal), then a honeymoon phase again, and so on...also very reminiscent of the cycle of violence you see in abuse (which doesn't have to be physical). Counseling is an excellent idea--couples if he'll go, alone if he won't, to help you figure out why you are in this relationship.
    If you do sincerely feel you are purposefully, knowingly, pushing his buttons you could also ask yourself why... do you want to see what his breaking point is? Do you want him to prove there's nothing you could do to drive him away? Do you want to drive him away for some reason? But if you really never know what you are doing wrong until he explodes, which is more what it sounds like, it does indeed sound like an emotionally abusive situation, that needs counseling or a break up--don't just stay in it and do nothing. It's very tempting in the honeymoon phase to do nothing to rock the boat as it is so much more pleasant, but that's like saying I won't fix the roof today because it isn't raining... and when it is raining I can't fix the roof because it's too dangerous. Take advantage of the honeymoon period to propose going for some kind of couples counseling and see what happens...his response could be very telling.
    Good luck to all!!!

  8. #4668
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    [QUOTE=PWS;2545428;]snark--so many good things people have said--I could only add that your OCD is obviously not completely ok yet, as your worries about your sexuality are expressing themselves in a very OCD way. You could be totally at peace about your sexuality (which I agree, it seems you aren't yet) and the OCD would just pop up on some other issue. I know they have some drugs that seem to work on this...have your therapists had you try them out to see if they help? The whole OCD thing seems to be pushing you into depression (in fact I think it shows how emotionally tough you are that you are still able to get "up" after just an evening with your great-aunt as the social isolation you are in leads to depression just by itself for many), and there's some research out there now being done on what's called rumination and depression---where you go over and over the same depressing thoughts which leads to depression--much like your OCD is doing for you. One reason teen girls are thought to be so vulnerable to depression is they spend so much time on the phone with friends "co-ruminating"--going over and over what happened at school, etc.
    Anyway, my point, and I do have one, as Ellen would say, is that I think you need help for both the OCD and your self image issues about your sexuality. An earlier poster mentioned her anorexia--your image about your voice is apparently as out of touch with reality, by your own report, as her body image was, but both of you are/were obsessing over that unreality--thought that was a good analogy she made. So do see the group about being gay, which should also help with the social isolation, but also do ask your therapist if there isn't more you could do for your obsessive thoughts. You're a terrific guy, funny and well-written, and you should be having more fun--or learning to "enjoy having fun" as you said. And a blessing on your great-aunt, and do think about writing her stories--you are good at it! And they'd be fun to pass down to the next generation even if you don't want to publish them (after grandma is gone, of course! ).[QUOTE]

    For some reason I have trouble quoting.

    Thanks for your advice. It was excellent. You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Do you do this kind of work??

    I am now seeing my doc 3 days a week and have asked my mom to back off some. After I told her this, she said I will NEVER call you again. Now she is angry with me. She will get over it. She has ocd to and starts calling me with all her anxiety. I told her she needs to stop because it makes me anxious and nervous. Here are typical things she calls about or leave messages about. Is your ac running?? Did you electric bill come?? Are your blinds open?? Does your cat have wet food?? I saw cat spray in your apartment 6 months ago is it still there?? Did you get an Oil change, I just got mine done. Did your tags come for your car?? I got in a fight with your father!! I slammed the phone down on your father!! Your father says you have been calling him.


    A few weeks ago I went to Cincy, because I needed to think. When I came back I told her I went, instead of asking me what was wrong her first response was you need an oil change even sooner now(lol+sigh)

    I know she cares. She just doesn't always go about it the right way. I told her I feel suffocated.


    My symptoms have gone down a little since I haven't stopped talked to her. Its been about a week and a nice break.
    Last edited by snarkattack; 08-25-2007 at 06:11 PM.

  9. #4669
    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I've refrained from posting this for 2 reasons. One, I've posted about my health problems ad naseum and two, I needed the 24+ hours to absorb this.

    But my doctor has found what he believes to be a benign tumor on one of my adrenal glands. I am to have futher testing, but they believe that it could be causing many of my problems as it could be interferring with the natural production of epinephrin and nor-epinephrin (not sure if I spelled this right). The range of symptoms from this coincide with many of the ones that I've been hearing are MS and Parkinson's. So this might actually be good news in disguise, I just don't know yet. But I have just been through so many ups and downs, doctors visits, tests and now this too. But if it is the tumor causing problems, then the removal of it should help quite a bit.
    I won't know the results of the tests they are sending me for until after labor day.
    Even though they are reasonably sure its benign, apparantly even non-cancerous growths on the adrenal can cause problems.

    You all have been so wonderful and supportive to me in the past, that I did want to let everyone know. I am not freaking out and am just trying to be a patient, patient, but this could actually explain SO much.

    Thanks again for all your past support and caring.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  10. #4670
    FORT Fanatic saintslovebell's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    pwettybird---I agree, that phrase you used about it being your fault that you push his buttons and you have to learn "how" to not do that...very reminiscent of the phrases abused women use. Plus the whole cycle thing...the honeymoon after a big fight, then building tension until an explosion (even if still only verbal), then a honeymoon phase again, and so on...also very reminiscent of the cycle of violence you see in abuse (which doesn't have to be physical). Counseling is an excellent idea--couples if he'll go, alone if he won't, to help you figure out why you are in this relationship.
    If you do sincerely feel you are purposefully, knowingly, pushing his buttons you could also ask yourself why... do you want to see what his breaking point is? Do you want him to prove there's nothing you could do to drive him away? Do you want to drive him away for some reason? But if you really never know what you are doing wrong until he explodes, which is more what it sounds like, it does indeed sound like an emotionally abusive situation, that needs counseling or a break up--don't just stay in it and do nothing. It's very tempting in the honeymoon phase to do nothing to rock the boat as it is so much more pleasant, but that's like saying I won't fix the roof today because it isn't raining... and when it is raining I can't fix the roof because it's too dangerous. Take advantage of the honeymoon period to propose going for some kind of couples counseling and see what happens...his response could be very telling.
    Good luck to all!!![/QUOTE]

    Now that you mention it, I believe that its partly my fault, because now that you ask those questions, I do believe that I am pushing his buttons in seeing what his breaking point is, and maybe I'm pushing him away because I got scared because I've never been with a guy this long before (on the 2nd will be a year) and I just don't know how to go about it. I don't want to drive him away, but I do believe I'm trying to see if he'll go or if he really does love me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life and mine. It might sound stupid because I'm young but I've never had a guy who has taken care of me when I was sick or hurting. He's always there for me in times of need.
    Thank you all for your help though, it means alot

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