+ Reply to Thread
Like Tree966Likes

Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #4371
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Right behind you
    Posts
    5,063

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    My question is...do you believe your daughter? I only ask 'cause you said she claimed...and claimed is one of those words...

    Gut, the weird thing is...if the kids were doing something sneaky, that they know they shouldn't be doing, wouldn't they have done everything in their power to HIDE the evidence? (e.g. thrown the bottle/caps away in someone else's trash can?). It's almost like someone WANTED you to find them... Is there any chance the bad friend planted this in the tent for you to find to cause trouble for your daughter?

    If your daughter participated in the drinking and didn't want you to find out, she probably would've offered to take the tent down herself so that she could hide the evidence. So she could very well be telling the truth.

    I would talk to your daughter again and tell her that you want to believe her, but this is a serious case that could have legal ramnifications for the whole family so she needs to be honest with you...and that even if you punish her, you still love her more than life itself. (I know that's corny but I also know that it's true for most parents.) Tell her that if need be, you will pay for the DNA to be analyzed on the bottle and that will reveal who sipped from the bottle. (Of course you don't have to do this...and she may be too savvy to already know this but...)

    If after all is said and done you don't believe your daughter is being forthcoming, can you take her to a MADD meeting to listen to what can happen when underage (or any age!) people drink irresponsibly?

    Regardless of whether the bad friend is responsible for this or not, I wouldn't allow that girl into my home again...and I would question why your daughter is hanging out with her after the harmful things she said about your Ex. Also, if there are any more get togethers, I would insist on knowing in advance who your daughter has invited so you can approve it before any invitations are extended.

    Good luck, Gut!!!!
    Last edited by Lois Lane; 07-04-2007 at 10:40 AM.

  2. #4372
    MRD
    MRD is offline
    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    somewhere resting
    Age
    51
    Posts
    16,893

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by RealityDiva;2460064;
    You can't be the parent of another person's child. .
    No you can't. BUT, when that underage child is in YOUR home, doing some illegal that could possibly land you in trouble, then being a responsible adult is called for.

    And it sounds like Gut is being mature and resonsible.

    I'd talk to the girls first and tell them that unless they come clean, you are giong to ban them from your house and either they can tell their parents about it or you will tell their parents.

    As a parent, I would welcome another parent telling me so I could nip the problem in the bud. But I have seen that I am in the minority on this one as most of today's parents are never ready to believe it could be "their" kid.

    And in the future Gut, I would do a "search" when these girls come in. They may not like it, but they violated your trust and therefore, from now on, need to be supervised more closely than if they had not brought alcohol into your home. And I'd tell them this!

    My daughter has a couple of friends that actually felt worse (different issue than alcohol or drugs) and were more repentent when I confronted them, than when their parents talked to them. One in particular apologized to me profusely because she was upset we wouldn't allow her to come back over and she was very upset she had let us down. More so than her own parents (who are freaking idiots by the way).

    Hard issue, my thoughts will be with you.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  3. #4373
    The Next Top Model RealityDiva's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Getting Picked Up By Mystery
    Posts
    155

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;2460149;
    No you can't. BUT, when that underage child is in YOUR home, doing some illegal that could possibly land you in trouble, then being a responsible adult is called for.

    And it sounds like Gut is being mature and resonsible.
    Of course I agree she is being mature and responsible with her daughter. I'm glad she gave her an appropriate punishment. [That sounds bad, but it was the right thing to do without having any other evidence or idea what was going on]

    I still think that Gut's daughter should be responsible for telling the other parents about what was found. I would understand if my parents made me fess up to my friend's parents about this type of thing. I would never want to make them go through something like that, when it was MY fault or one of my friend's fault. I think that is being a responsible daughter, IMO. Agree or don't agree, that's how I feel, and I'm stickin' to my guns
    Currently Loving: Mystery from The Pickup Artist
    Currently Excited About: The modeling competition that I'm in! Wish me luck, guys...
    *Runner Up in the Kyle XY Caption Contest! Whoo!*

  4. #4374
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Charming
    Posts
    9,349

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Gut, have you considered speaking directly to your daughter's friends? Teenagers will be teenagers and many, if not the majority of them, will experiment with alcohol. Maybe if you could have a talk with all four of them, explain that you can't allow them to drink on your premises and under your watch (they already know they shouldn't be drinking), and that since this is the first time you've known them to do this, you won't tell their parents this time but if you find out they're making a habit of drinking alcohol, you will have no choice but to call their parents.

    Personally, I don't know how I would handle the situation if it came up for me. I think it would depend on my relationship with the friends and their parents. I can understand not wanting to stir the pot with a troublesome friend and her family.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  5. #4375
    PWS
    PWS is offline
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    14,738

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    My older son had used my car (he was still in high school at the time), and the next am when I went out to use it it stank of beer. Needless to say I freaked out. I knew he had been out with one of his best friends of years standing, so I knew the mom. According to my son they had been at some event and when they came out they ran into the older brother of another friend. Said brother had an open bottle of beer and was stinking drunk and thinking about driving, so they put him in the back seat and took him home. He passed out and the beer spilled. They'd tried to clean it but beer doesn't come out of cloth well. I actually believed my son (the beer smell was in the back) so he got off pretty lightly---mild grounding and lecture on the open container law for his future good Samaritan activities (and I'm lucky the drunk kid didn't vomit), but I did call the friend's mom just in case I was being scammed, and she was clearly glad I did. On the other hand I had a lot good history with her...unlike at least one situation in your case. On the other (third?) hand it never occurred to me to call the drunk kid's mom (I'm not sure if I could have even tracked down who she was, but I don't think I even thought about trying...hmmm), not sure why, maybe because he was significantly older.
    FYI, that kid of mine (unlike his brother) is still not a drinker and he's in his 30's now. He'll take half a glass of wine to be polite...the designated driver in his gang. (Although when he turned 21 his friends insisted on getting him drunk, with the predictable following day of hangover, that did nothing to make him want to drink again.) Good luck with what you decide...tough one.
    FYI, if anyone wants a true life autobiographical depressing look at teen drinking today I recommend a book callled Smashed. It'll definitely raise your antennae on the subject.

  6. #4376
    lei
    lei is offline
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Dick's Bar
    Age
    52
    Posts
    1,398

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Aww, Gut, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    Everyone has given some good perspectives and suggestions. I don't know exactly what I'd do, but I'd like to offer these thoughts:

    As said earlier, teens will be teens. This is not an excuse and does not make what they did okay, it's just a reminder that this kind of thing is almost inevitable at some point or another for even the very best of parents (of which I'm sure you are one) and kids (ditto, to your daughter.) So please don't feel bad in those ways.

    As to how to handle it, I'm sure you're doing as well as possible with your daughter, and that's the most important thing. The only part that makes my skin crawl is the shady one. I've been victim of a frivolous lawsuit and, although I knew the allegations were false, it was horrible. Therefore my instinct tells me to have it all out in the open, in case there was a plant, and so all the parents and kids can see that you're taking it seriously and treating everyone the same. I'd be inclined to document it and talk to a school counselor or someone who might advise if you should report it elsewhere, just to cover your behind. But I'm paranoid that way.

    I wish you the very best and would be honored to help in any way.

  7. #4377
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Always together.
    Posts
    12,508

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I am so glad to have the advice of my friends here at the FoRT, even if it is somewhat conflicting. I'm fortunate that my older daughter is home for a couple of days, because the younger one really looks up to her. They went out for breakfast after our talk and both of us feel my daughter was not drinking. Having the whole day to think, I came up with some of the same thoughts as some of you. Once she is done being grounded, she will have to ask in advance before agreeing to go somewhere (a habbit she had gotten out of). She will not be having anymore sleepovers in the tent or sleeping over in tents elsewhere. Too easy to sneak out or not be supervised. The shady friend is a friend of another friend, which is why she has been hanging out with her, but I think she gets now that she's off limits. I'm not stupid and I know kids experiment - good Lord! If they only knew what I did at their age. But things are different now and she has two siblings who are going to see her through this. She's upstairs laughing now with her sister after having a dark cloud over her head when I took her phone.
    Count your blessings!

  8. #4378
    I Is Stephanie
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Age
    21
    Posts
    1,037

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I agree with RealityDiva here...as another childs' opinion.

    I would assume that you're close to your daughter. If she really has been good all this time, and she suddenly slipped, she'd probably feel so crappy about it that she'd tell you about it. I had an experience at my Nickelback concert. I didn't pick anything up, I was next to someone doing it, and I got the fumes. Now, for the record, I am in no way close to my parents. But I felt so horrible that I had "done" it, after saying for all these years that I would be drug free for life, that I told my mom even before the high had worn off. She didn't believe it, even though my friends were clearly high too, but that's another story.

    I don't know her, but I really think that you're doing the right thing trusting your instincts, I don't think she's hiding anything.
    ...And the strange boy continued to weave in and out of her life, leaving her with a sense of wonder and amazment, but also, a feeling of loss, knowing that life might never be the same again.

  9. #4379
    Amethyst YetiSports7 - Snowboard FreeRide Champion Amy Lee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    whatever
    Age
    30
    Posts
    6,067

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I'd talk to the girls first and tell them that unless they come clean, you are giong to ban them from your house and either they can tell their parents about it or you will tell their parents.
    Exactly what i was thinking of.
    Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
    Infect me with your love and Fill me with your poison...

  10. #4380
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Always together.
    Posts
    12,508

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I see the logic there, but I really don't want to have anything to do with the shady girl who made false claims against my ex at her parents' sue-happy requests. It's been in the paper that they deal drugs, too. If I hadn't cleaned the tent (as a favor so my daughter could sleep in) I never would have found the evidence, so I don't think it was a plant, as was suggested up-thread. I'm hoping the guilty party(s) will feel bad enough that they got my daughter grounded for a week that they won't put her in that position again.
    Count your blessings!

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.