Talk about your troubles

[Kirsten1526]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I still haven't talked to him about that kind of stuff. I've done a lot of research on the Internet about it. There's many reasons why I don't like strip clubs/porn. One, I feel that they are morally wrong because that's how I was raised. Secondly, I knew a girl who worked in one and she said that touching is allowed and touching is cheating. He did say that he wouldn't ever but I still don't like the idea of it, again it goes back to my first reason for disliking it. Thirdly, I think it's a temptation. It's one hop, skip, jump away from cheating. If they are presented with the idea, then why not enjoy themselves. Furthermore, I do feel like I'm being cheated on for some reason. Just the thought of him getting some kick out of seeing someone else naked kind of frustrates me.

It's not that I am threatened by strippers' looks and that they might be prettier than me. I know my boyfriend is very picky and he thinks I'm gorgeous. I am happy with myself as well (not conceited).

I know that he has high morals as well but I am very conservative. I have made the personal decision to wait until marriage and it kind of feels like a punch in the gut.

I haven't spoken to him again about it yet but I will keep yall posted. Thanks again!

[Newfherder]

Just the thought of him getting some kick out of seeing someone else naked kind of frustrates me.

disclaimer--I've never been to a strip club, aka booby bar

It is a simple fact of life that nearly all men like to see female nudity. The desire is probably genetic.

[burntbrat]

It is a simple fact of life that nearly all men like to see female nudity. The desire is probably genetic.

A lot of women (and not just lesbians) like to see female nudity, too. A woman's body is beautiful and it's hard not to appreciate it.

Kirsten, I agree with most posters that if you're this uncomfortable about strip clubs then he should respect you or move on. But I do think you're being unrealistic about your expectations for any man. Whoever you are with, I don't care how conservative or moral they are, they are going to look at women besides you and be attracted to them. Your insecurity about this is going to kill relationships. So I'd get help with it if you're really serious about someone.

[famita]

I don't know,...there are guys out there who don't go to topless bars. I still say you need to do what makes you comfortable. If your breaking point with your man is that he wants to go to topless bars, you have a decision to make. I just believe that you have to be true to yourself first before you can be true to anyone else.

I went with a friend (yes, I have one) years ago-she was doing an expose' on topless bars. She did her tryout and was able to interview several of the girls in the back. I was out front with the old men ogling her. It was a little bit off(ok, a lot off the wall), let me tell you! She found that there were the dancers,and there were a few "money makers"too. Management said they didn't know about the moneymakers, but how else did the girls get the key for the back room? Anyway, her article was a great one!

I don't know if I would be comfortable with my man going to a strip club. I guess if I didn't trust him, that would tell me it was time to move on.

[remote_goddess]

On the topic of strip clubs - For me, even though I know it's a harmless indulgence and I do trust my guy not to cheat in any way, it's just that I can't help but feel a tiny twinge of self-consciousness - you know, the old self-doubt coming out to play... my thighs are not as slim as hers, my chest not as large, my hair not as sexy, etc... The boyfriend would never ever even think of verbally comparing, but my mind sure does, and I wonder just what about me turns him on, and then the self-doubt worsens, etc.

So while I see nothing wrong with his desire to go, I still feel a bit "needy" when he does, simply because I need to be reassured that he finds me just as desirable as some dancer in a topless bar. He never fails to completely reassure me and then some, and he goes to those places relatively rarely - about once every few months with the boys from work - so it has never been an "issue" between us.

[Rattus]

Mr. Rattus doesn't go to strip clubs (he finds them boring), but he, like almost all men, does look at good looking women on the street or on the beach. Doesn't bother me a whit because I'm comfortable knowing that Mr. Rattus loves me, and me alone, no matter that I do not look nearly as good as any number of bikini clad babes at the beach. If you don't have faith in your partner, as burnbrat says, that level of insecurity will kill any potentially healthy relationship, and a relationship with someone who enjoys jealousy in their partner is not likely to be a good one.

[remote_goddess]

I know what you are saying, and I feel supremely confident in my guy's devotion and love for me. My issue is more of a self-doubt thing, not a trust issue with him. I know the two are related in many ways, and all I can say is that hopefully with time, I too will feel nothing at all even resembling jealousy or doubt when/if he goes. I've been in bad relationships in the past where the self-doubt was brought on by less than trustworthy behavior by my then-boyfriends, who would turn it around and place all the fault with me for even wondering if I could trust them... you know the types. Awful. But I fell for it for a while, and I think it sort of set me up for that automatic gut reaction that I may not be sexy enough, or whatever. But my current relationship is the best and most mature I've ever had - no games and no need for the jealousy "drama". We're just simply thrilled to get to spend our time together, and he makes sure I know how he feels about me.

[Rattus]

But my current relationship is the best and most mature I've ever had - no games and no need for the jealousy "drama". We're just simply thrilled to get to spend our time together, and he makes sure I know how he feels about me.

You're very lucky (actually, we're very lucky). My response was more to Kirsten because I had felt that you're comfortable and secure with your relationship. And I do understand how a prior bad relationship can undermine your self-esteem. When I met my first husband, I was a comfortable 125-130 lbs at 5'4". Other men found me attractive, but he bugged me and bugged me about my weight until I went down to 110. The day two people asked me if I was anorexic I asked him how much more weight I should lose - he said 20 lbs. Well, that was the day that began my 25 year long battle with an enormous weight gain. Honestly, if anyone ever tells you, or even just implies, that you are not good enough, dump them. That is abuse, plain and simple.

[DesertRose]

I've have tried taking my cues from my parents marriage. Not only does she "let" my father look at pretty women, she points them out to him. Not only does she not mind if he occasionally goes to a stripjoint, she sometimes join him. He has never ever in 30+ years of marriage cheated on her. Because a confident woman is much more attractive than a perfectly shaped woman.

And also, if I minded that my husband looked at pretty women, how can I justify me looking at cute men?

[MRD]

Ok, the anxiety monster is rearing its ugly head again today.

I really haven't felt good for the past 24 or so hours. Not sleeping much, lot of pain, so have HAD to take the pain meds the dr. gave me and they make me feel weird and I think they are contributing to the anxiety. And of course, when I take them, I then become a zombie as they make me unable to concentrate, etc. I wish they made me sleepy, but they aren't which is weird as most pain meds do that to me. If I was sleeping, then I wouldn't feel bad. These almost seem to have the opposite effect and make me want to jump out of my skin and I have no attention span, so I have been wandering the house aimlessly.

My surgery is scheduled for Fri. at 10:30 a.m. and the closer it gets, the worse I feel, with more pain, etc., so I know I need it, but am just having a lot of butterflies.

And while Rosie, Bogie and Waldo are great comfort, they just are not good at relieving my anxiety at the moment, especially as they are just so needy;needed food, water, treats, going outside and being petted. I'm just it being all about me today.

And hubby is working his tail off right now so he can take time off to take care of me afterwards, so he's been mostly absent. I don't want to freak out my daughter, so I've been suffering in silence and biting my nails which I have NEVER done before.

I'm sorry to be a drag and to sound like such a whiney baby. I'm just nervous and not feeling well at the same time.

And I don't want to monopolize the thread, just wanted to vent a bit and see if it helped.

I seriously think that if I just had a shot of something that made me sleep until Fri., that everything would be ok.