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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #4321
    MRD
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Schmoo,
    I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

    But get the loser guy out of your home. Only you allow yourself to be taken advantage of. It's still your home, your rules.

    The letter idea is good and maybe talking to her about some counseling. Maybe through counseling she can find out why she is drawn to losers and learn to make better choices.

    In the meantime, it may be time to get tough. My dad went through YEARS of this with my brother and my brother never changed, until my dad said he was done and washed his hands of it. Then he did change for a few years, but lately has gone back to the way he used to be. But my dad didn't cut my brother loose until he was almost 50 years old. So the only advice I can give you is don't let it go on so long that the possibility of change ceases to exist.

    Sending you hugs and hopefully a good nights sleep. And if your daughter won't go for counseling, then you go. I am a firm believer in counseling (if you have the right counselor and I went rhough a couple before I found the one that I had the best fit with).
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    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Kristen - He should respect your wishes, at the very least there should be a dialog between the two of you to reach a mutual understanding.

    myrosiedog- You just hang in there and I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and everything will be just fine.

    DesertRose - I hope everything turns out well and the swollen nodes are something common or nothing even.

    schmoo2
    - Sometimes you just have to be tough and say "we feel it is time you had a place of your own, we'll give you a month to find something, no ands, ifs or buts.
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  3. #4323
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel;2451927;

    myrosiedog- You just hang in there and I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and everything will be just fine.

    .
    Thank you Gabriel. I am feeling less anxious this morning as I've been up several hours due to the pain. I think having the pain makes me more ready to have the surgery now so the pain will end.
    Thankfully I haven't been in constant pain, but it has been bad enough and this morning I can definetly see the benefits of getting it fixed.
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  4. #4324
    Amethyst YetiSports7 - Snowboard FreeRide Champion Amy Lee's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Schmoo, if your daughter is going to school, she could possibly find a counselor there she can talk to that i believe she'd benefit from. That guy, kick him out, you owe him no space in your home. he doesn't even have a job for crying out loud!!! You're going to need to talk with your daughter, not facing the elephant in the room has obviously not worked. I'd love to slap her into reality but that wont do much as much as she can do for herself. Her taste in guys reminds me of something that was discussed in a class i had not long ago. She seems to have a conditioned response when it comes to the guys she picks up. All have nothing going for themselves and she reacts the same way towards them initially, after it ends, she meets another and the cycle continues, know what i mean? The latter is a principle of Classic conditioning(from what i remember). Good luck with your daughter and i hope you are able to sleep tonight and get things straight with her.
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  5. #4325
    Wait, what? ArchieComic Fan's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    schmoo I wouldn't let this guy stay one more night in my home and since he ripped you off, I'd threaten him with jail if he doesn't vacate immediately. By letting him get away with this you are unconsciously sending a message to your daughter that you don't have the courage to stand up for yourself and she seems to be doing the same by getting involved with one loser after another. Take control of your house and send him packing. It is not your responsibility that he doesn't have anywhere to go. My sister has been in relationships like this all her life. Sometimes you can't do anything but let them make their own mistakes. But the rules in your home must be abided by. If she leaves because you kick him out then that's a tough reality that she will have to learn. You can't allow him to stay for fear of her reaction. She could do with some counseling but in the meantime you must set a good example for her and not allow this to continue. He stole from you and if she can't see that as a good enough reason for him to go then she doesn't respect you or your husband. I'm sorry, this just hits very close to home with me because of my sister (who is 42 and still has no career and no direction) and my father washed his hands of her. My mother always let my sister do whatever she wanted and then she wonders why she turned out so messed up. You have to take a stand now and be consistent.

  6. #4326
    Team DAN schmoo2's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    this is a different guy. she threw out the other one as soon as she realized what trouble he was (seenig him on the area news as most wanted for skipping out on a drug charge). She reported him to the police also - so she is not totally stupid, just very very needy.

    this guy seems decent, and is nice, and supportive of her.
    but as I told her this morning - he could be a saint, but this situation is WRONG. They are out applying for jobs for him today, and she is trying to let him meet her friends who may let him stay with them until he gets on his feet. I just want my home back. I have been so looking forward to getting rid of my adult children - I don't need a new one.

    He was on his way home to KC to stay with his parents until he got a job and saved up - but this couple day visit has just turned into an ongoing thing that I want to end as quickly as possible.

    We did talk. She is aware of my feelings -
    one problem is that hubby is not supporting me on this. That would really help. but he blames me for the first time she left and I have to be on eggshells.

    This guy is ex-military, and was working for the government and lost his job. or, is full of crap and who the heck knows. She knows him from when she was up at school.

    her school is just a 2-year community college. Don't think they have any helpful counselors there.

    and I probably blame myself for her being messed up. her high school years were dealing with me wanting out of my marriage and looking at apartments. It was rough. (but, we made it through that and are having our 29th anniversary next month)

    Both my kids (22 & 25) are decent - no drug or law problems - and they are both extremly compassionate people.
    They would give you the shirt off my back.

    This one is just trying to save the world, one loser at a time. (that's what hubby and I feel). She seems to invite the ones that need 'saving'.

  7. #4327
    Wait, what? ArchieComic Fan's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I'm sorry that I misinterpreted this one from the thief. However, if she wants to save these types of guys she can do it when she has her own home. If your husband isn't supportive and you are walking around on eggshells, your daughter is probably picking up on it.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this on your own pretty much. I hope it didn't sound like I thought she wasn't productive or a good person. It's easy for the best of people to be led astray. My thoughts are that there really is only so much you can do and then they have to learn from their own mistakes. You can be there to comfort her and support her but this doesn't have to include letting her current project into your home. What would your husband do if you left because he wasn't supporting you? I'm definitely not saying you should but more a hypothetical question that since he doesn't want her to leave again makes me wonder who is more important to him to stay - you or her? In a happy situation he'd want you both to stay but your opinion on who lives in your home should be taken into account. And you shouldn't have to walk around afraid to step on any toes.

    I think you should congratulate yourself for having such caring and compassionate children. That's a great accomplishment. But it doesn't mean that you have to take on their causes in your own home. You aren't keeping her from living her life, you're just setting boundaries on what you will allow in your home. Good luck and I hope you don't think I'm coming down on you. I sometimes personalize my own experiences and I didn't mean to sound so harsh.

    ETA: I did want to say one more thing after re-reading your post. You said she is aware of your feelings but your husband is not supporting you on this. So does this mean as long as she has one parent on her side that she will go with what that parent says and not respect the fact that the other parent does not wish this to continue? It sounds like she is playing the two of you against each other even if it's not what she intends. It's irrelevant if you say the friend goes but your husband says he can stay. Your daugther needs to respect that you are not comfortable with this and that should be good enough regardless if your husband isn't backing you up. Ideally both parents should be on the same page but when you become the minority voice in your own home then it's time to have a family meeting and have her learn that children don't have a say in who comes and goes in their parents home.
    Last edited by ArchieComic Fan; 06-26-2007 at 03:54 PM.

  8. #4328
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by schmoo2;2451916;
    I know - we need to get tough. But she is working, she is in school, and she is supposed to finish this round of classes by the end of the year. I just don't know what to do.
    .
    Well, I'd consider leaving HER totally out of it...and just tell 'loser' he's got 30 minutes to get out and not come back, or you will have him arrested. It's YOUR house, and she can raise all the hell she wants, you do not have to put up with this. I'm sure this guy has had this happen before, and I doubt he will waste any time finding another soft touch. I've seen this happen too much with roommates that don't have the rent, people who have 'lost their place' for whatever reason, etc. You will never get rid of him till you put your foot down and handle it youself. And make it a rule that no more lost people even spend one night at your house; obviously they easily pick up on the fact that your daughter feels as if she's saving them, and can't say no.
    Sorry, I know it's hard, but most likely your daughter isn't mature enough to handle these things yet, so for now you will have to take control of what happens in your home.

    ETA--didn't see the responses on this page; I agree with all of them.
    Even if Loser finds a job today, I doubt it will last long enough to talk about. (Why do 'they' have to go look for a job for him anyway? That's like hanging a sign around his neck saying, "I have no transportation, can't take care of myself, and really only want to work long enough to shut her up". )
    And what address is he giving out? Ah, that would probably be yours.
    Please help yourself NOW!
    Last edited by queenb; 06-26-2007 at 03:40 PM.
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  9. #4329
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I have to say also, that when she finishes this round of classes and can presumably get a better job, it's time for her to get her own place.
    If she's trying to sucker someone else into taking him on, at least she got a part of your message...

  10. #4330
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I am so happy that the only one mooching around here is uh Joey. Wait actually All I do is pay the rent he REALLY owns the place. So I guess I'm mooching.
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    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

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