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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #4071
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Yikes! 12! How old is your friend? I hope you end up going. Heck, for something like that, I'd go by myself and just groove on the music. There's another lesson - learning to go places by yourself and not feeling self-conscious. I'm still struggling with that one, but it usually is easier than I think it will be ahead of time.
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  2. #4072
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    11sstephanie here's my little opinion:

    You've been talking about your Nickelback concert for ages here on the FORT so I know how excited you are to go....nothing or nobody would keep me from going and having a good time! I have went to many things by myself because I wasn't going to miss out on something because I couldn't or wouldn't find someone to go with me. I go out to eat by myself, go to clubs by myself, I have gone to concerts by myself....I always end up having a good time and you inevitably find someone else to talk to about whatever you are doing.

    I realize I am coming at it from a 40 year olds perspective and you are a high schooler and I do remember how different it was back then (even though I still did some things by myself even in high school)...my main thing is whether you ask someone or you go by yourself...ENJOY it! And I want to hear all about it when you get back!
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  3. #4073
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    11sstephanie , I agree with everything written by myrosiedog, Gutmutter and bbnbama. Everyone does need to learn to compromise in life or they will end up alone. And if you do end up alone, there's no shame to going places by yourself. Waaaaayyy back when I was in highschool, I saw numerous concerts by myself (off the top of my head, Jethro Tull, Rush, Jeff Beck, the Hollies and the Sweet), primarily because my musical interests were more diverse than those of my friends, none of whom were willing to see any of these acts. That's fine - I had a good time anyway because I was there for the music, not the social aspect. If you really want to see Nickelback because you love their music, go by yourself. If your parents won't let you go by yourself, take a parent, or a sibling, or a cousin, or a neighbour.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

  4. #4074
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    I may be a little overprotective, but to me, sending my 14 year old child to a concert alone is not an option.

    I do however agree with those who said not to be too selective in who you bring.

  5. #4075
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    Absolutely, 11ssteph! Go, go by yourself if you have to, but go! Otherwise this will be a big sour spot in your life...going alone or going with the 12 year old may not be what you first imagined, but it's way better than not going! I don't know much about this band's music, but if it isn't appropriate for a 12 year old maybe her parents won't let her go--you invite her, get points, and she doesn't go--how's that for a happy ending? Or, since he's no doubt told her the whole story by now, she may not accept because she (rightly) doesn't feel wanted. But even if she does go, as others have said, it's a life lesson worth learning. Also, you have to figure, at this age she isn't likely to be around all that long--do you want to lose your long time friend over this? Or if, by some fluke, she's his true love, you don't want to make him choose. Think how you'd feel if he made you choose in a similar situation. You might think he was just jealous...but you still wouldn't choose him.
    PS You might want to think how your parents will feel about this whole thing as well--they went to the trouble of getting you a "perfect present"---they certainly never envisioned it would be such a fiasco--even if you go by yourself they will be able to still feel it was a good present.

  6. #4076
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Let me add something to my earlier post:

    I know she's only 14 so when I said go alone I was really meaning moreso having a parent go with her or an adult with her. I don't think I would let my 14 year old go to a concert by himself and he's of the type he wouldn't go by himself anyway!

    Even though it may not be "cool" to have a parent go with you, if that's the only way I could get there, then load 'em up and go! My poor old daddy (God rest his soul), he went to many a concerts with me that he could have cared less about. As a matter of fact, alot of times it was just me and my daddy who went to concerts. We went to see everything from The Osmonds to Elvis to Van Halen (he hated them!) to Willie Nelson to Freddy Fender to Rod Stewart (he loved!) He took my brother to see Kiss (he loved them!). I can remember my daddy saying that 2 of the best concerts he ever saw was Kiss (in their makeup) and Rod Stewart!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  7. #4077
    FORT Fogey snickertink's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bbnbama;2274041;
    Even though it may not be "cool" to have a parent go with you, if that's the only way I could get there, then load 'em up and go! My poor old daddy (God rest his soul), he went to many a concerts with me that he could have cared less about. As a matter of fact, alot of times it was just me and my daddy who went to concerts. We went to see everything from The Osmonds to Elvis to Van Halen (he hated them!) to Willie Nelson to Freddy Fender to Rod Stewart (he loved!) He took my brother to see Kiss (he loved them!). I can remember my daddy saying that 2 of the best concerts he ever saw was Kiss (in their makeup) and Rod Stewart!

    That is one COOOL dad! i'm off to bug my 16 year old son to see which concerts he would let me take him to! or word it like he would be taking his dear old mom to! What awsome memories you and your brother must have because of that!

  8. #4078
    Amethyst YetiSports7 - Snowboard FreeRide Champion Amy Lee's Avatar
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    Stefi, if you were in NY i'd totally go with you In the mean time, i hope that you can just go in general. Are your parents apprehensive about you going by yourself? i would be.
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  9. #4079
    Crabby Cancerian remote_goddess's Avatar
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    So, Steph, did you go? I hope you did, and had a great time. Please come post an update when you get a chance.

    I've got an issue I'm currently dealing with that is somewhat similar to yours with your friend and his girlfriend. And I need some objective opinions on what I should/can do...

    My ex-husband and I have remained very close friends over the years, even though the marraige didn't work. We have two daughters and we work hard to make sure they understand that we are doing this together, that we are friends, and that even though it isn't a typical "mom-and-dad-together" type family situation, we are still a family. He has dated several women that I got along with splendidly, and vise versa with my boyfriends. We are careful about how we bring new people into the girls' lives, and respectful of each other's feelings about new people in a "step-parent" role... But it has always just worked out easily and smoothly. There are no lingering feelings of jealousy or resentment about the failed marraige - it ended as amicably as possible between two level-headed adults who realized being together was no longer making us happy.

    About a year ago, he started dating a new woman who also has two daughters, and things have gone to hell in a handbasket, so to speak. She is jealous of our relationship, and freely admits that she finds it not only "weird", but unhealthy. He really cares for her and wants her to be comfortable with the way things have always been, but he doesn't know what to do. He's tried to include her in our plans, which are becoming fewer and farther between, but he knows how she feels and it is always a disaster. It has really affected our relationship, to the point that the girls notice and express their confusion about it. It's even gone to the point of them not liking this woman because they feel like she is coming in and disrupting their happy little balance. I feel the same way, but it's something I have to keep to myself. It was something I thought would pass over time, or that he would realize she wasn't right, or whatever, but no, he plans to marry her.

    He and I have talked about this in depth. He says he understands that his relationship with her has changed his relationship with me, and that he doesn't like it but doesn't know what to do about it without hurting his relationship with her. I have tried not to put him into a situation where he feels he has to make a choice, or one in which he feels like I am attacking her or influencing the girls' opinion of her. But I am hurt beyond belief that he would put this woman, her kids, and his relationship with her as a higher priority that his relationship with me, the mother of his children. He has seen a difference in his relationship with the girls, too. They no longer talk to him like they once did. They always want to be at my house, even on his scheduled days with them. They talk back and misbehave for him. He doesn't understand what has happened, and I can't tell him without him blowing up and accusing me of attempting to sabatoge his relationship.

    Ultimately, I don't even know what I want to happen. I wish things could be the same, but even if he broke up with this woman now, there has been a lot of damage done. And I don't really want him to break up with her because it is clear he loves her and I do really want him to be happy. I just wish I could find a balance that allows us to continue to be friendly, to do things together occasionally, and that she is comfortable with so that it doesn't create even more stress for the girls when they're over there. From everything I know about her, she is not a bad person, just maybe a little selfish and self-centered. She is a little on the dull side, and I certainly wouldn't choose to be freinds with her, if I had a choice. But I have to do something and I need to know what you all think I should do?

    Sorry for the lengthy post...

  10. #4080
    Never a dull moment! chrelsey's Avatar
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    Remote Goddess . . . ah, the complexity of ex's. Been there, done that, although my relationship with my ex is nowhere near as amicable as yours - kudos to you both for being able to make the best of a bad situation for yourself and your girls. That, in itself, is incredible.

    In taking into account all that you said, I guess my overall thought is that this is a decision that ultimatley he is going to have to make. Although it is understandable that you have reservations about this woman and how her influence is affecting your relationship with him, truthfully, your relationship with him shouldn't be first and foremost in his mind. Please know that I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but the reality is that whomever he would choose to marry in the future should be a higher priority relationship to him than you, just as whomever you might marry in the future should be a higher priority relationship to you than him.

    However, the relationship with your daughters is an entirely different matter. This should be a high priority for him, and is something that he should pay particular attention to - especially if the relationship with this woman is hurting what he has with the girls. That is something that he needs to acknowledge, look at honestly, and take into account. It is very important that he figure out what specifically is causing the tension between the girls and his girlfriend, and figure out a way to not only address it, but to make the girls feel that he is placing high value on them - whether he stays with this particular girlfriend or not.

    I also think that it is very important that you are careful not to let your thoughts/feelings about her bleed over and influence the girls' thoughts. Please know that I'm not saying that is what you are doing, but just speaking from my own experience, I have noticed that my kids are very intuitive on my thoughts/emotions with regards to my ex, and although it has not always been easy, I always try and find the positive things to say - rather than negative things - with regards to their dad. Not always an easy thing to do - believe me! But, I don't want any of my negative thoughts or experiences to influence them and cause them to form negative thoughts towards their dad. I know that my situation is completely different, and perhaps this is something you already do with regards to his girlfriend, but I know how quickly my kids are to assume my thoughts and emotions about any given situation, and therefore I know I need to be extremely careful not to negatively affect that.

    Overall, it is a hard situation to be in, and I hope you will all be able to find a way to make it work. My thoughts are with you.
    I don't have OCD, I have CDO. It's like OCD except that the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be!

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