Talk about your troubles

[schmoo2]

Your friends lives have developed in a different direction than yours. and newer parents will have a tendency to focus most of their time with the children - and with others in your group being in the same situation, yes, most of the social gatherings will be this type.

Sooner or later, they will be wanting to have the type of social outings they used to enjoy, so just bear with them for now. Many young parents go this route and find it nearly impossible to restart their own social lives.

I would suggest splitting your time with them and some other friends, or new ones, who still do the type of things you enjoy.

[Lois Lane]

Is it possible to maintain grown-up friendships that don't revolve around kids if you have them?

Veruka, I remember being at a birthday party a couple years ago and everyone there had kids (or were pregnant) except for me. Wait, let me rephrase that--no one actually brought their children, but the talk revolved around babies and kids. If they weren't talking about what the kids did, they were talking about what it was like to give birth, breast feed, wean etc. It was a little uncomfortable for me 'cause I only had miscarriages to share and I didn't want to ruin their happy talk by being a downer.

I would recommend that you go to some of these events--but not ALL of them--and then invite your friends on a girls' night out on occasion where the two (or three or four) of you go out out to dinner and a movie, or spend an afternoon going out for coffee and catching up. I've found that it's difficult to see many of my friends because their lives revolve around their children (as they should!), but that they also welcome time away from their children to interact with other adults. I'll bet they would welcome time alone with you, even if it's just an hour-long lunch.

[Veruka]

I guess the thing that baffles me about it is the selfishness/insensitivity of it all. I would never think of subjecting one or a few of my married friends to an evening of talking about dating and the best ways to meet men with other single friends of mine. I've been together with (some members of this same group of friends) friends I went to high school with, and others we got to know later in life, and would never think to subjecting those we met later to an evening of reminiscing about the people we knew in high school.

It just seems like we're aware and considerate of excluding people from the discussion on a variety of other topics but not this one.

[Rattus]

When I became the sole remaining childless (completely by choice) woman in my circle, I steadfastly refused to get involved in discussions about children until I became known as the only person that the assorted mothers could talk to about adult stuff. It's a position I would happily remain in, but as it turns out, I spent most of my time with the husbands nowadays because the mothers just can't help themselves. Good for them, good for their kids, not so good for the rest of us. I tried responding with lengthy, and admittedly boring to those who are not cat people, stories about my boys, but the pennies never seem to drop.

[Lois Lane]

Good hosts/hostesses should always try to make ALL their guests comfortable, not just the ones most like them.

[ArchieComic Fan]

I think it's inevitable when you have kids and spend time with other couples who have kids, that the talk will be about kids. Parents want to know did your Johnny/Suzie do this at this age, is it normal, what's the latest baby gadgets, etc. First time parents are on a learning craze and also from time to time like to brag (some more than others) about how their kid is doing this or that now and other parents are more likely to listen so they can do the same about their kids.

Once someone has another kid, the newness wears off and the need to discuss kids ad nauseum wears down too. As schmoo2 said, give them time. And yes, it might be time to start adding some friends to your circle who don't currently have kids or whose kids are older and they are no longer the center of discussion.

Also, I agree with Lois. Don't go to all events where kids will be. And do invite your girlfriends for lunch or dinner to catch up. They're probably going to bring the kids up because it's their life now but I'm sure you'll be able to talk about other stuff as well too.

My son is 20 now so I'm in a good position at this point of my life. I can go out without needing a sitter, I can still talk about kids if someone wants to because I had one myself, or I can talk about the latest movies, tv shows, etc. without ever bringing up the topic of children.

Veruka, do you think one day you might turn into one of these parents who talk about their kids all the time but swore you wouldn't? It's eaiser said than done

[Veruka]

Veruka, do you think one day you might turn into one of these parents who talk about their kids all the time but swore you wouldn't? It's eaiser said than done

It is absolutely easier said than done. But I've got other friends with kids (including my sister) who manage to converse in all sorts of topics that don't revolve around kids - proof that it CAN be done. Given that I have the discipline to avoid other topics that would exclude given participants in a conversation, I think I've got the practice under my belt to maintain discipline in that case too. For some, the primary concern in a conversation is their own needs. For others, the primary concern in a conversation is involving participants.

[prhoshay]

Sometimes, we just have to change our circle when we develop different interests. Maybe we can come back together at a later date, maybe not. Maintain contact, at least by phone, and let nature take its course.

[cricketeen]

When multiple parents get together, it's hard to keep the conversation from veering to the one big thing they have in common - the kids. Try getting together one-on-one for a while. It's much easier to steer the conversation to other topics when you aren't in the minority. It will get better as the children get older.
I have a dear friend who has never had children nor the desire to have them and we grew distant for a time, but we both wanted to keep the friendship and it has come back around. I'm grateful for her patience.

[PWS]

One on one is the way to go...get even 2 new parents in the same room with you and the topic du jour is going to be kids. Get them alone and you can discuss politics, tv shows, etc. (maybe not movies and books for a while as they don't have time for that stuff...uninterrupted time to read, babysitter time for movies). And find some new childless for now friends....