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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #3431
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Apr 2004
    Lois, I just read what happened. My heart goes out to you and your husband. Stay strong and God bless.

    This is an excerpt from a book written by a midwife, Peggy Vincent called Babycatcher. The essay is called "Spirit Baby".

    But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

    Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."

    I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

    So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?

    "So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.

    "But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom."
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  2. #3432
    MRD is offline
    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Jan 2005
    somewhere resting
    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane;2172113;
    It's amazing to me really how you all have said just the right thing. And I know it's heartfelt and it means so much. I've had great support from all of you as well as my family and close friends. Many friends (who live in different states) have offered to come stay with me if my husband or I need anything. One good friend even offered to cancel her vacation overseas, even though she would've lost all the money she prepaid. Neighbors have stopped by with food, notes, flowers...things I hadn't expected (but certainly appreciated).

    But some people do not know how to deal with this loss, which is kind of ambiguous to them. It's not a child they've met, it's not a tangible thing to them. One colleague told me rather cheerfully, "Oh, that's horrible. But you can have more," as if I had just ruined a shoe and could go replace it with another one. Another called to wish me well and then spent the next 15 minutes talking about her troubles. Another said, "At least it wasn't a baby." Some just dealt with it by ignoring it. Someone who didn't know I had miscarried asked me how the baby was doing. When I told her, there was silence and then she said she had to go. I never heard from her again. Another friend said he had the flu and hung up on me when I called to tell him the sad news.

    Don't get me wrong--none of these are bad people. And I don't want you to waste any time thinking badly about them. This is just how some people view miscarriages. I also think this is how some people deal with bad news. I think most people who've never lost a baby through miscarriage (or had children of their own) tend to think that fetuses aren't really babies, so therefore the loss really can't be that great. Regardless of what the law says about fetuses and when life begins, this was our child, who had a beating heart until a few days ago. There generally are no funerals or memorial services for a miscarried baby. So by you all showing your care and concern, it really makes me feel like you're honoring my baby's memory and that means so much to me. He deserves to be remembered. Thank you all so much. You will never know how much I appreciate all of you and your kind words. You all have really said exactly the right things exactly when I needed to hear them.

    I think that so many of us start thinking about our baby from the moment we suspect we are pregnant. We think of names, try out name combos, plan the babies life, think ahead to all the things we look forward to doing with the baby and the child as it grows. So to us, it is a REAL baby from the beginning and the loss is VERY real. But those that haven't experienced it (being pregnant or having a miscarriage) just don't understand. And a lot of people can be insensitive without meaning too. I'm so glad that so many of your family and friends have been there for you tho.
    I have been thinking of you daily. I have not gotten much computer time in due to husband being home all day on the computer looking for jobs, applying for jobs and just generally being a computer hog, so I haven't been able to email or post much. But you have been in my thoughts and prayers even tho I was out of communication.
    If there is anything you know how to reach me tho.
    Take care. You know you are well loved by many it appears, so take some comfort in that. Your family and friends are there for you, including us Fort friends.

    BTW, The spirit baby story is AWESOME and what a great way to think of all those babies. I have had 2 miscarriages since my daughter was born and we are not having anymore, so now I know that my spirit baby got to go to someone else and get born. What a wonderful way of thinking positively about something so horrible.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  3. #3433
    PWS is offline
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    Jul 2004
    Bubba-Jo-Lynn--what a great story and way to think about this sad situation. Brought tears to my eyes I admit.
    Lois--just because people don't usually have memorial services for miscarriages doesn't mean you can't if you think it would help you. A small gathering of your good friends (the ones who know what to say) or of close family, the would have been aunts and grandmas and grandpas, to talk about the baby you envisioned might be a good thing. Our society really fails us in dealing with miscarriages...nothing to say we can't devise our own rituals and ways of dealing with it.
    One little warning to watch out for...many people who miscarry as late as you did and seem to be coping fine afterwards do have a real bout of sadness months later, around the time the baby would have been born... so you might not want to plan anything for then that requires you to be really on top of your game. And again on the anniversary of the miscarriage.
    All my best, and let us know how things are going for you both.

  4. #3434
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Mar 2005
    In my own little world where all things are Idol......
    Bubba-Jo-Lynn.......I have never heard of that essay before but I have sat here at my computer and sobbed....what a beautiful story! I haven't lost a baby before but I do know some that have and I think I am going to pass this story on to them.

    Thanks for sharing it!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  5. #3435
    Premium Member jelle's Avatar
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    Jan 2005
    Under the big umbrella
    Lois Lane I am so very very sorry. I cannot even fathom how you must feel. My heart hurts for you and your husband. I am so sorry.
    "Know that you are not the master of your days, but the pioneer of their purpose"
    "My policy: no stone throwing regardless of housing situation." moanamarie
    "well, I am on the right side of the grass." brad womack
    "Create your future.You are not a victim of the world but the hero of your own life"

  6. #3436
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Sep 2005
    Right behind you
    I love the "Spirit Baby." What a great way to think of a horrible thing. It really is very comforting and a beautiful way to think about it. I'm going to print out all these wonderful posts and save them with my ultrasound photos.

    p.s. My brother offered to set up a small memorial service for our baby and at first I said no. But now, I think it may be a nice thing to do. Thanks again all for your ideas, prayers and words of comfort.

  7. #3437
    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    Jun 2004
    Anticipating roses and broken hearts
    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane;2168023;
    Just wanted to let you all know that we lost our baby. I miscarried. We thought we were in the safe period--I was in the second trimester. The doctor said it wasn't because of anything we did--that when things like this happen, it's because the baby was too weak to survive. But still, I keep thinking, "What if?" All the tests had been positive--great heartbeats and ultrasounds; blood tests all showing the right levels. But it just didn't work out. If there is one thing I can take from this to make me feel even slightly OK about this, it's that if the baby was that sick and couldn't survive, at least it's not suffering anymore. It was a good baby and brought a lot of happiness to our family. May he or she rest in peace.
    Lois, I just now saw your post, and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I had many miscarriages when I was trying to get pregnant (the worst was at 5 1/2 mo's), so I can truly relate to your heartache, although only you and Mr. Lois can feel your personal grief now. There just aren't words to comfort you, but please know that good thoughts and prayers continue to come your way. I am so very sorry.
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  8. #3438
    RENThead JLuvs's Avatar
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    Jul 2003
    Commuting for Work
    I haven't been in this thread in awhile and just wanted to say to Lois and myrosiedog how sorry I am for both of you in your respective situations.
    Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter.

  9. #3439
    _ pineapple's Avatar
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    Apr 2004
    Lois Lane, I am very sorry to hear about your loss.

  10. #3440
    This is a very minor trouble in comparison to the things that many around here are going through. But it's been weighing on me a bit, and because I know it's not a unique or unusual problem, I thought I may benefit from the views of some others around here who have been on one or both sides of it.

    Over the past year, my closest circle of friends has experienced a baby boom. Among this group, I'm the only single person. Over the course of a year, I've also become the only one without a child (a year ago, there were only 2 couples out of 6 + me who had kids). And I'm not childless because I don't want kids ... I'm childless because I have not yet met anyone I want to have kids with.

    Now, because everyone has babies, every single social occasion we share revolves around the kids. Instead of going out to restaurants, movies, bowling, and what not, we go to someone's house so the kids can be there. Once we get there, we spend all our time watching the kids roll around on the floor and play. And we spend our time talking about their milestones - who has teeth, who is pulling up, who is close to walking, etc. I adore kids in general, and these kids specifically because their parents are all very dear to me. But I'm getting to the point that I dread social gatherings with these people because I am so sick and tired of everything revolving around the kids.

    It's not like we suddenly don't have anything in common. Only one of the women quit working to stay home with her son, so the aspects of life that we used to have in common (work, hobbies, community we live in, etc) are still there.

    Part of me wants to just start declining invitations to get together, because i don't enjoy them. But if I do that, then I can see myself losing touch with these friends, and i don't want that to happen. Part of me wants to speak up about my frustrations. But I worry that if I do that, they'll consider it to be an attack on their kids, which its not.

    Is it possible to maintain grown-up friendships that don't revolve around kids if you have them?

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