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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #2411
    FORT Fan Shaybo's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    southern florida
    Myrosiedog- I agree with everyone here. YOU need to take some time for YOU and she needs to realize is that you have your priorities like your surgery and getting ready for it. You have gone way above and beyond your friendship with her, and now its time for somebody else to step up and help her for awhile.
    What you did was the right thing in telling her that shes spreading herself too thin. She needs to go up to her assistant and tell her look you need to start helping me out with the scouts and take over a couple of meetings for me. Now is the time to sit down and have a heart to heart with your friend and tell her how you feel and if she starts with the guilt trip then you just say look I think we need to take a breather for awhile and then you just go. Then after your surgery and recovery then give her a call.
    There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved- George Sand

  2. #2412
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Aug 2003
    Playing kickball for the beer
    Myrosiedog, I agree with those who say you've done far more than most friends would have. I don't envy you, this has to be a really tough situation. I'd guess your friend is lashing out at you mostly because deep down she's terrified. Hopefully you can sit her down and explain that you want to do anything you can for her, but there just are things in your own life that you HAVE to take care of, and that you don't need her to be grateful for your help but you do need her to be understanding of your own needs. Good luck.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  3. #2413
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Dec 2005
    In the Kat House in Kanada
    Good luck myrosiedog on your upcoming surgery.

    Everyone's given great advice to you about your friend's troubles. It is a very sad situation, but don't let it blind you into not taking care of YOU! You have a responsbility not to run down yourself, so you can also be there for your family and puppies.

    Time for your friend to call in the troops. The OTHER troops.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #2414
    nesting Kennedy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    In my garden.
    I can't add anything new to the excellent advise given already, so I'll send you a hug instead. Unload all you want, you have a lot that needs to be unloaded.
    Take care of yourself. Good luck with your surgery, please let us know how you're doing.
    home at last

  5. #2415
    When I'm 64 William13's Avatar
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    Sep 2004
    In Seclusion
    To myrosiedog I just want to add my best wishes. I hope everything goes well for you.
    Feel free to vent all you want that's what the forum is for. Please remember that you have to take care of yourself first.

  6. #2416
    MRD is offline
    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Jan 2005
    somewhere resting
    You guys are just AWESOME! I feel blessed to have online friends that I can turn to and that give such great advice. Thank you.

    I was very unavailable today. I had another friend call me and she and I went and ran around some today. I did not take my cell phone and I did not return my other friends calls. It was a nice day.
    Dh returned home at 4, said that H. had called him and he was picking up the husband from hospice and that H. would pick me up and we'd all meet at the ball field. Worked out great. The dad got to see his son's first t-ball game, we all had a good time and on the ride home, she told me that she had made arrangements with the neighbors to start taking the kids some.

    I did not say another word about her spreading herself too thin. I just enjoyed the time we all 4 got to spend together at the game (and it was hysterical. 2 teams of 5 year olds that have NO clue.) because the 4 of us used to do a lot together before he got sick.

    I have talked to the other friends and they want to help. I even had friends lined up to go to her house on Sat. and clean and do laundry and she told them no. They call and want to help and she tells them, she has it covered.
    So as for getting the other friends involved, I've tried, they want to get involved, she won't let them.

    I'm just going to hold back for the next few days. I have a ton I need to do before my surgery and I am going to let the phone go to voice mail. I can check it to see if its really an emergency or not. But I'm going to concentrate on what I need to do.

    He's convinced her today to let him come home and hospice has agreed. He will be back home on Thur. I don't think its a good idea because the kids are very traumatized already. They don't want to be left alone with him. They don't want him to die in the house. They've told their mother this. She keeps them in activities because they don't want to be around their father. I think its very sad. But it's so depressing in their house that none of them want to be home and they've actually been a lot better this week with him in the hospital and at hospice. The only good thing with him home, is she won't have to run to hospice house continually.
    They will have an aide come daily and help him bathe and dress and a nurse every other day. They are getting a hospital bed.

    But I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and I'm going to distance myself a bit. Once I go in the hospital, I will be gone 4-5 days out of town (surgery I'm having is a 2 hour drive from where we live) and when I do come home, I will have a stomach feeding tube, a drain and will be housebound for 10 days. Then all the tubes come out, but it will be a full month before I can even drive. So she's going to have to have other support, because I am not going to be able to provide it and I told her this this evening.

    I was asked to do his eulogy several weeks ago and I was touched that they would ask me and I've already written and prepared it and if I have to, my dh will take me to the memorial after surgery and I will give it.
    She wants me to read it to him before he dies and I"ve put that off. I won't let her read it either. My husband has been the only one to read it and he says its a very moving tribute. But I don't think I want him to read it. I wrote him a 2 page typed letter about how much he means to me and what a good friend he's been and how much I hated to see this happen to him, so I think that is enough. The Eulogy is written in past tense, so I think its just cruel to let him read it.

    Anyway, she's got to figure out what to do without me and I think she realizes that now as she said that she had made these plans with hospice about what to do and the neighbors and had told hospice that I would be in the hospital (hospice knows me as well as they know her).

    One of the reasons the kids are afraid of being alone with him is that he has had mouth cancer and has had his tongue removed. His face is horribly disfigured and he has a tracheostomy to breathe with. He must also regularly suction secretions from his mouth. It smells bad, he looks bad and he can't talk. They are scared of him. It's really sad.

    If you know anyone that dips snuff, tell them to stop. This man has been fed from a stomach tube for 2 years. He's lost almost 180 pounds since this started. His skin hangs from his 6foot 2 frame. He has not been able to talk since last may when the tongue was completely removed. It's been a horrible, horrible thing to watch. And its because he dipped snuff starting in high school. He will not live to see his 40th birthday this year.

    Again, I appreciate all the wonderful support and advice. I realize now that I need to create some distance without totally breaking it all off. And I'm going to let our other friends know that I'm going to be out of touch and to call and check on her and go over and check on them. If someone shows up, its hard to turn them away. But not everyone is like me. We are close enough that I can walk in her house and the first thing I do is head to the kitchen and check the dishwasher and start putting up dishes or putting dirty ones in and then I head to the laundry room. But other friends are not like that and ask her does she need anything, so she says no. So I think I will tell them that they just need to do it and not ask her.

    Again, thanks so much.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  7. #2417
    Wait, what? ArchieComic Fan's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    The Farm
    Wow, I didn't realize he was in such bad shape. I'm sure it is scary for small kids to see their dad change appearance so drastically. Not to compare something so trivial in my life but when my son was young he got upset if I cut or changed my hair too much because then I didn't look like "mommy".

    It sounds like a sad situation all around. You're a real trooper and so is she.

  8. #2418
    FORT Fogey Pyramid Solitaire by Disney's Tangled Champion combatcutie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    hangin' with the girls drinking Cosmos
    myrosiedog, I can't add anything else to the excellent advice already given. It does not seem selfish on your part to be hurt by her words. You need to take care of yourself also. Remember your family needs you too. I'm sorry for everything you and your friend's family is going through. We are here for you when you need to talk. And I am only a pm away
    I can only please one person a day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either

  9. #2419
    Premium Member canuckinchile's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    back in "The Big Smoke"
    myrosiedog...you are the epitome of a true friend. Look after yourself, since stress and surgery are never a good mix. I agree with you that letting him read the eulogy would be cruel. The 2 page letter you wrote should be enough to convey your feelings to him. Sometimes when people loose the power of speech (my sister did but only 2 days before she died), others around them forget they are fully cognizant. Good luck with your surgery, and hang in there.

  10. #2420
    all hot air Ana Bannana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    in the palm of the mitten
    Myrosiedog - you are a true friend. Don't second guess your decisions, they appear to all be made in the name of love. I think your 2 page tribute is a beautiful gesture. It should be up to HIM and YOU whether or not HE reads it. H may mean well, but Mr.H might not be up to hearing or reading his own eulogy.
    I will continue to lift you up in prayer - may you find comfort in the days and weeks ahead.

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