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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #2401
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Aw, dag, I hope that's not the cause. Isn't there another way to tell besides waiting to see if it keeps coming back? Maybe when you see your regular doctor, she'll have a different opinion. Hang in there.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  2. #2402
    Shark Week! dagwood's Avatar
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    I am going to ask my regular doctor about it. I think they can tell by xrays, but I can't afford it right now. I'm looking on the positive. I caught it early this time. The first time I got it I was out for a week. I couldn't eat, the thought of food made me nauseous. (totally missed Thanksgiving 2004, which really sucks and I shall whine about it until the day I die ) I went to the ER on Thanksgiving night, missing the Survivor boot (), IV antibiotics and couldn't walk for the pain. All I have tonight is a slight fever and a red, swollen leg that hurts. I can walk and I want to eat everything in sight. I have had two doses of antibiotics so it should get better. That reminds me of another whiiiiine. They gave me a shot in the hip for my first dose. Owwie

  3. #2403
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Oh dagwood - you poor thing. I'm not good with smilie hugs (where the heck are they?) but I'm giving you a virtual hug. I'm sorry you are in pain and that the lack of insurance sets you back whenever you have an incident. I sure hope it isn't the major dilemna you described and just a flare-up.
    Count your blessings!

  4. #2404
    FORT Fan Shaybo's Avatar
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    Dag I know how you feel I have dental insurance and I went to the dentist to have a crown put in. Well the insurance company has yet to pay and now I'm paying for it. I just got another bill from them for $243.00. Once I pay this bill I'm calling the insurance company and tell them to pay Me back..
    There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved- George Sand

  5. #2405
    Shark Week! dagwood's Avatar
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    Thanks, guys. I know it is just a flare up. I refuse to let it be anything else. (power of positive thinking, right? ) It will get better. Tonight I am going to sit on the couch with my foot up and open mail I brought home from work.

    Shaybo, that sucks. Give the insurance company hell. We lucked out with our dental insurance...it is fairly cheap and has great coverage. Also, I have never had a problem with them paying.

  6. #2406
    MRD
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    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    My best friends husband has terminal cancer. They had an episode last week where he had a major bleed all over the house and bathroom at 2 in the morning and was transported to the hospital and then put in a hospice house. He is 39. They have 2 kids ages 5 and 8. I have been there every step of the way, through all the surgeries, treatments, I have kept kids, I have wet shoulders from her crying, I have done laundry, cooked meals, cleaned house (I cleaned up all that blood on Wed., it looked like a crime scene). She is running herself ragged trying to do it ALL. She thinks she is superwoman. I was gone all day Fri. for pre-op appointments for surgery I amhaving on March 8. She is pissed at me for not being there for her on Fri. I still picked up her son at 9:30 that night (had been gone from my house since 6 a.m. doing all my pre-op which is in another town) and had him spend the night with me so she could go stay at hospice overnight.
    My daughter and I were both sick over the weekend and my husband went and sat at the hospice house with him while she went to a gymnastics meet for her daughter. So she's mad I didn't go to hospice. She's mad that I said today that if he wants her to be at his side all the time then she needs to let something else go in her life as she cannot sustain the pace she is moving at much longer and I am worried about her ending up in the hospital. She's a girl scout leader and she needs to just hand over the stuff to her co-leader and say: I cannot do this right now. She wants the kids to have a normal school routine and still be involved in afterschool activities. Her daughter is involved 5 days a week at the gym and her son is in T-ball 2 days. I said: maybe you need to cut back on the kids activities a little bit and concentrate on being with your husband if that is what is so important to you.
    So don't you know THAT was teh wrong thing to say. I'm expected to be on call at 2 am, I'm expected to be available anytime she needs to cry or vent. I do whatever needs to be done. Does her family? No. Will she let other friends help? No. Now that I have been unavailable and will be unavailable due to surgery, she's mad at me about that. I HAVE to have this surgery. It's not something I can put off anymore. I put it off 2 times because of this situation and now I can't put it off any longer. Because I suggested she cut back on some other things in her life (she's not working and their finances are getting really , really tight now) so she can be less stressed and spend more time at hospice, she's mad at me. She can't have it all. No one can in this situation.
    I was very diplomatic when talking to her and said: if you run yourself down, then who is going to take care of the kids and who is going to sit with your husband? So she hung up on me.
    Yet, I am still expected to take her son to T-ball today and my husband is expected to go to hospice and pick up her husband and the wheelchair so he can see his son's first t-ball game.

    I KNOW this is a horrible situation for everyone involved. My heart breaks for all of them. But I am worried about her and I'm afraid she's going to put herself either in the hospital or in the grave with him if she doesn't slow down.

    I think the stress of being her ONLY support is wearing on me at a time when I'm not 100% either and facing major surgery. I realize the stress, tiredness and just the general situation are making her lash out. But honestly, I need my own break. Am I wrong to want to step back for a time? Do I continue to be her whipping boy when things go wrong? She tells me not to lie to her or not to hold back and when I am honest, then that's wrong too.

    My husband keeps telling me not to feel guilty that I've done over and above what most people would do and I've done what her family should be doing, but won't because they are all a bunch of idiots. Her mother will NOT fly down here and help her because she just got remarried and is worried that hubby number 5 will kick her out if she's not with him every second of every day (he's not like that either, its her own self esteem problem) and her mother has plenty of money and doesn't work, so she could come down here and help.

    But here I sit this morning with the sting of her bitterness towards me, making me feel like I've let her down again. But I know I haven't. I done and done and done and done to the point where I have neglected my own health and family. I just don't know what to do anymore.

    LIke I said, its a horrible situation for everyone involved and to be honest and I'm not proud of it, I'm beginning to resent some of the things she says to me. My mother died of cancer and was in a hospice house, yet she keeps telling me: you don't understand, you don't know what its like. Well, no, I don't know what its like to lose my spouse, but I lost my grandmother who practically raised me and my dad and my dog all within 1 month of each other. I was there with my dad and had to give him CPR. My mom died the year after of cancer. Before that I had spent years taking care of both my mom and dad because they were in ill health. I was the primary caregiver of both. I lost 2 babies by miscarriage after my mother died. So I don't know what its like? I unfortunately know all too well what its like to lose people you love.

    I'm sorry if this is so long and whiney. I honestly don't have anyone else right now I can say this too as all of my friends are hers too and I'm afraid they will say something to her. I love her dearly and I wish I could take all this away from them. But I can't. My dh says that she needs to grow up and face things. She is in counseling and she says she is ok with it, but then the way she acts she is obviously not. She has been pampered her whole life and her husband put her on a pedestal from day one and has done everything for her and now that she's having to do it all, she can't.

    Please those of you who pray, pray for them, pray for us all. Because right now, I really don't know what to do. Healthwise, I absolutely cannot go sit with her and go through another deep, profound discussion of things we've discussed 1000 times. I also can't sit and let her tell me all that's wrong with me right now and how I'm letting her down. When I've been the only one that has done anything for her for 3 years of this situation.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  7. #2407
    all hot air Ana Bannana's Avatar
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    Myrosiedog - hang in there honey. These are your words, - "if you run yourself down, then who is going to take care of the kids and who is going to sit with your husband?"So try not to spread yourself too thin. Sounds like your health is not optimal right now.

    Perhaps taking a break would be best for your friendship. Not a long break, but a mental health break. She is stressed. You are stressed. There are no winners in this situation, and it is going to be rough for all of you. I will of course pray for you folks. It's times like these when your faith is of utmost importance.

  8. #2408
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    Myrosiedog – I’m so sorry for your best friend’s family and for you. As Ana mentioned, it seems like you too are spreading yourself thin. You said you and your best friend share common friends, but she does not want to bother them. Maybe you can call them up, explain the situation and set up a schedule so they start pitching in. One person can bring meals on some days, another can drive the kids around a couple of days a week, the girl scout co-leader could take the lead, etc. I’m sure they’ll be more than glad to help and your friend will appreciate it in the long run. Unfortunately, this will not end with the husband’s death. Your friend will need a lot of support afterwards, especially if, as you mentioned, she doesn’t work and was handed everything in the past. She’ll have a lot of simple things to learn.

    And you, you have a surgery to go to soon and will need all your energy for that and the recovery. Your friend is going through a really hard time right now, but your are not mentally or physically able to help her on your own.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this. Hang in there.

  9. #2409
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    rosiedog - we're here for you. Vent all you want. I would tell her very clearly - "Starting this weekend, I will be preparing for surgery so will be unavailable to help you." Then stick to it (and rest up). It sounds like he won't last much longer, but you have your own deadline. She is being very selfish. All the points you made to her were valid and if she hates it so much she can find someone else to run her errands.That sounds cold, but you have your own health issues.
    Count your blessings!

  10. #2410
    Wait, what? ArchieComic Fan's Avatar
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    rosiedog - you are truly what friendship is all about. I should be so lucky to have a friend like you! What you told her about cutting back the kids activities is to their benefit too. If the husband's time is running out, the wife and kids should be wanting to spend as much time with him as they can. They don't want to look back with regrets. There will always be t-ball and girlscouts and other activities after the father passes but they will never get back any time they could have spent with him but didn't. I know she wants to keep it as normal for them as possible but the situation is not normal and I'm positive the kids would be understanding and more than willing to cut back on their activities to spend whatever few precious moments they have left with their dad. She is trying to do too much so that she doesn't have to think about the sadness of it all. But she's hurting herself, her kids, and her friendships in the process.

    I agree with DesertRose, get her other friends involved. I'm sure there's a way to bring it up to them so that they don't go running to her like you've complained to them. By telling them that you feel just horrible that you have your own surgery coming up and can't be there as much as you have been, and would "you" mind doing this or that so that she still has the support she needs, will be a non-confrontational way to bring them into the fold.

    Take care of yourself and then do what you can, when you can, without compromising your own health.

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