Buglover, your story about your son was so touching. I'm so sorry about his loss and that of your friend. It's understandable that you seem so devastated. Have you had a physical lately? Perhaps that could be a start to make sure you're physically ready to make some changes in your life. The doctor may have some recommendations for a counselor too. My dad's doctor said that sometimes you need help to focus on the things you need to focus on for your own well being.
It's so good to see you posting though. I hope you're feeling better soon.