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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #11581
    Nagasaki inthegarden's Avatar
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    Mar 2009

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    buglover Recognizing that you are ready to live again and writing it down is the magic potion.
    Live for Victor and for your friend.

    chrisg I think of Bunny often and wonder how she is doing.
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  2. #11582
    FORT Fogey Photobabe's Avatar
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    Nov 2009
    Too far from the beach

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Buglover, reading your post broke my heart. I can't imagine your pain and your husband's pain. I agree with those who suggest that individual counseling might be of help. Victor would not want you to be suffering like this. He would want you to enjoy life again. You fought so hard for his life. No mother could have done more. Take what comfort you can from knowing how hard you fought for him and go and get yourself some help. You fought for Victor, now fight for yourself, your husband and your marriage.
    Eastcoastmom likes this.
    I am one step away from being rich. All I need now is money

  3. #11583
    Animals over People :) Fanny Mare's Avatar
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    Jan 2011

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    buglover your post made me tear up . I think the posts before mine have said it all . Thinking about you

    The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
    -Andy Rooney-

  4. #11584
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Jan 2003
    Right Here, Right Now

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    If I was into it, I think I'd be trying to overdose on yoga.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer.

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  5. #11585
    Kip is offline
    FORT Fogey Alu`s Revenge Champion, Sky Blocks Champion
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    Sep 2003

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Buglover - sending virtual hugs and good thoughts to you.

    I agree with others that if you feel it would help, to seek out a counselor to talk to.

    I don't know if you work outside the home or not. If not, maybe you could volunteer to walk dogs at your local shelter. The dogs might make you smile once in a while; it's good to get out in the sunshine and fresh air; and, while you're walking the dogs, you can think about your cherished memories of Victor, or "talk" to Victor as you walk.

  6. #11586
    FORT Aficionado echo226's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    Stuck in the Middle

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I don't know the circumstances buglover, but reading between the lines here, it sounds like you lost a dear son ... after a time of fighting to prevent the loss.

    Please accept my good thoughts and hugs and my heart is in your corner.

    You mentioned that the group things made you feel that you had to help others and not yourself.

    I just want to say that my normal personality is that of a fixer. I want to have a huge roll of gauze and wrap it around everyone who hurts until it heals and it's fixed.

    For me, the group thing and helping others really helped me ... and also the stories of how others were dealing with their losses helped as well.
    I remember one older man who went to the cemetery on a regular basis and just yelled at his late wife for leaving him.

    The groups are usually facilitated by someone who understands and has experience dealing with a variety of issues/concerns.

    So ... if you have not been to a grief support group ... it may not hurt to try it.

    Again, this is a personal choice ... and it's not everyone's thing. I hope all the best for you.
    spockwhat and Cootie like this.
    "The way to become boring is to say everything." Voltaire

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  7. #11587
    FORT Friend Baby's Breath's Avatar
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    Apr 2010

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    It's hard to know how to comfort someone in your situation buglover. What I see is a woman who loved her son with all she had, and that's why her pain is so, so deep. So, my question to you would be, if you had it to do again, would you pull back and love any less just to avoid the pain that you're feeling now? No. So take solace in that. You gave him the gift of a mother's love, and not just one who made him chocolate chip cookies and put him on the bus for school, but one who loved him with every fiber of her being. Not many kids are as blessed as your Victor was. He still feels you flicking his ears, bug. Your love is engrained in him. Now do him proud and start living again. Your husband needs you.

    Be well.

  8. #11588
    Only old on the outside! AZChristian's Avatar
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    Apr 2009

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    buglover, you wrote, "When my mother passed I had him to take care of, he was my reason for existing............he's not here anymore and I'm struggling to find a purpose."

    There are so many people in this world who need someone. We are empty-nesters, and I'm a "fixer" too, so I've decided that it's more healthy for me to go out and help in areas that I'm good at. I've dealt with bouts of depression in the past, and I know that being alone is not good for me.

    I'm an administrative whiz, so I volunteer two afternoons a week at our church. It helps the regular staff members, gets me out of the house, and makes me feel productive. Animal shelters, hospitals, churches - all function only with the help of volunteers. And when you help others, you receive more of a blessing than you give.

    I pray that you will find peace. I cannot imagine your pain.


  9. #11589
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Bookworm Champion Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Jun 2010

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    buglover, I'm not as eloquent as so many others here, but I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that you have been missed and thought about often. I think volunteerism is a good start as others have suggested. You are a young woman and have a lot of living left to do. When I lost someone close to me I attended a bereavement group with others in my church who had suffered a similar loss. It helped me tremendously. I did not do this immediately, though. I spent months just crawled up into a ball in bed and slept and slept and cried and cried. That is how I dealt with my depression. Then I did get a bit more involved with my church and that helped a bit, too. Please know that you are important, you matter to your husband and to us, and we are all pulling for you. Victor would want you to not just survive, but LIVE! Sending you great big hugs!

    AZChristian and JohnnyK like this.

  10. #11590
    FORT Fogey KatesMom's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
    The Motor City

    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by buglover View Post
    Lost a friend from school a couple of week's ago. I decided not to do any kind of remembrance for my son on the 21st because I knew her service would probably fall around the same time. Honestly, I didn't even feel up to doing anything for his day. I miss his laugh, his farts, his banter all the time. He was my late night buddy and he's no longer downstairs waiting for me to flick his ear or ruffle his hair. I think I've been in a coma of drinking for the whole year......makes things go away....but not healthy. I miss him every day. I have no idea how to exist or push forward without him. I'm surviving but not living anymore. I think I've kind of lost myself. When my mother passed I had him to take care of, he was my reason for existing............he's not here anymore and I'm struggling to find a purpose. My hubby and I are existing, but not living. I think it is time we live but I'm not sure how. These group grieving things make me feel like I have to help them, not myself. It's a rabbit hole...........where's the magic potion?
    And you will. You love him with every fiber of your being and that doesn't go away just because he isn't here physically anymore. And he still loves you too. I have heard others who said they felt guilty about living again. But if the situations were reversed, is that what you would want for Victor? Remembering how you talk about him, I know it isn't. And it sounds like you are starting to come to that conclusion yourself. I think the others here have provided some great advice. I don't think there is one magic potion for everyone - I think it is different for each of us. The trick is getting out there and trying some stuff and seeing what works and what doesn't.

    I know you are still hurting and I wish there was something I or others here could say to make you feel better. I have thought about you and Victor often over the last year. I've wondered about Bunny as well. Know that you have been missed.
    AZChristian and JohnnyK like this.

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