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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #11501
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Can you see if his cousin will be willing to talk with him? He could have some valuable advice to share. Middle school is a very hard time, but we've all got to do it! Are there any clubs that he can join to get to know people? Is he your only child?
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  2. #11502
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by prhoshay View Post
    Can you see if his cousin will be willing to talk with him? He could have some valuable advice to share. Middle school is a very hard time, but we've all got to do it! Are there any clubs that he can join to get to know people? Is he your only child?
    I have been thinking of having his cousin talk to him. Thought it might make him feel better. I have a younger daughter as well. Of course she is a social butterfly with many friends. He is on a club soccer team which practices 3 times a week and then games on the weekend. He does have boys there he is friendly with, but again, not seeing the strong connection with any of them, except maybe one. I feel like his life is compartmentalized...soccer with certain group, school with certain group, whereas, some other boys go to the same school, and play together on the soccer team. Both the school and soccer team our in the next city over from ours.

  3. #11503
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Is his dad around? There are some things that guys would prefer to talk to other guys about that WE could not possibly understand. Exactly what grade is your son in? Don't take me wrong, but some people are "fringe people"; not everybody is going to be a leader....at least not at the same time. He may just be a late bloomer; what was his dad's and your social history? There are bound to be other kids in his school who are shy, like he sounds. Would he consider trying to take the lead and befriend one of the other shy kids? He could start with just 1 or 2 kids instead of trying to take on a larger group. Kids can be so territorial about "strangers" trying to enter their group. I am sure that you are fretting about this much more than you should; does he really want you "all up in his business", so to speak. I remember when my son (my ONLY) would bring a social problem to me, I had to work HARD to stay out of it. I learned to listen to him, and then would tell him to just let me know if he needed for me to step in, that way, he was able to maintain a feeling of some control of his own life. He only came to me once to step in. His dad and I were divorced, so I was the person who was there 99% of the time. It was important to me that my son try to solve his own problems, but not to feel like he was just flapping in the breeze, alone.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  4. #11504
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Yes, his dad and I are together. He's not the best at the serious stuff though...I had to get on him to have "the talk" with him. The kids usually will come to me with any issues. He is in 6th grade. He is a lot like me. I was very quiet and shy when I was younger, kept everything inside. But I always had that one or two good friends that I would hang with. My daughter is like my husband, very outgoing likes to be in the center of the social circle. I completely understand that not everyone will be the center of attention. I guess my biggest fear is that he will not even have one or two people to hang with even if it's just at school. Not saying he has to be besties with them. I told him last night that he has to pick 2 boys from his class that he wants to get to know better and that he has to make a effort with them over the next few weeks. Sit with them at lunch, talk with them etc. Make the first move, like you said. Of course, I can't be there to make sure he does it. I agree that I don't want to be up in his business, he needs to learn to navigate these types of situations on his own but because he's so quiet I don't want him hurting internally either. I want to bring up the subject again and say who did you sit with today, did you make some effort with the kids but at the same time I don't want to make it a bigger issue then what it might be. Ughhh...a mother's worry....nothing like it...huh?

  5. #11505
    50 years and counting! AZChristian's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Maybe you could mention it to his main teacher? They're not always in a situation to see the kids in non-structured activities (outside the classroom), and since it's still early in the school year, the teachers are in "getting to know you" mode with all of the kids. If you approach the teacher in a non-blaming manner and tell him/her exactly what you've said here, the teacher might be able to help. There may be at least one other kid in the class in the same situation, and he/she might be able to encourage these kids to get to know each other.

    Please let us know how things progress!

  6. #11506
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    You're right, there is nothing like a mother's worry! We also tend to over do it, too. I know all about wanting to be protective of your son's feelings; I'd make myself do it from a distance, but I'd still do it. As mothers, we cannot teach our sons how to be men since we are not genetically like them. Try to have your son to go his dad, himself, for a man-to-man conversation. If they've had "the talk", then the door is actually open. Push both of them through it....AGAIN! Send them, both, off to run a whole day of errands together on a Saturday, just the two of them. You and your daughter go off and do girly things together to keep you occupied. Lay that plan!!!! Mani-pedis sound like fun!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  7. #11507
    FORT Aficionado echo226's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    If the school has a counselor ... they may have some suggestions.

    Have you looked at this site? KidsHealth.org : Parents Home Page ? ... lots of "tips" there.

    Also ... this seems to be an excellent article that suits the circumstances: I Donít Fit In - When Your Child or Teen Says I Donít Fit In

    Hope this is of some help.
    "The way to become boring is to say everything." Voltaire

    " The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. "
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  8. #11508
    FORT Aficionado echo226's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by AZChristian View Post
    Maybe you could mention it to his main teacher? They're not always in a situation to see the kids in non-structured activities (outside the classroom), and since it's still early in the school year, the teachers are in "getting to know you" mode with all of the kids. If you approach the teacher in a non-blaming manner and tell him/her exactly what you've said here, the teacher might be able to help. There may be at least one other kid in the class in the same situation, and he/she might be able to encourage these kids to get to know each other.

    Please let us know how things progress!

    I agree that the teacher may be able to make a match ... and it is a great idea to have the teacher aware of the situation/struggle and if there is no improvement, he/she may be able to help. You don't want ths to escalate to a bullying situation or something.
    AZChristian likes this.
    "The way to become boring is to say everything." Voltaire

    " The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. "
    Mohandas Gandhi

  9. #11509
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Thanks everyone for your input. I feel I'm on the right track with trying to get him away from the standard group he is always trying to get into and just to focus on one or two boys that might be possible friends. I did put in a note to the school counselor and I think I'll note something to the teacher so she is aware of it as well. Now I just need to focus on my feelings to make sure I keep them in check and not let him know how much it is hurting me. Hopefully that will make him feel better too. Thanks for the links to the articles as well. You all are truly a wonderful support system and I appreciate you confirming that I'm on the right track. I'll keep you posted!
    AZChristian likes this.

  10. #11510
    FoRTer coltnlasma's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    ^ Your son is lucky to have you, as a soft place to fall, when things are troubling him. My son is a year younger than yours, and I can relate to much of what you've said. I wanted to mention that in the middle school/ jr high years, I'm noticing that they do begin to hang out more in groups of boys and girls... not as "couples" but just as a bigger group of friends. So that's good in that it opens the circle of potential new friends even more.
    I know it's been mentioned about staying out of our childrens' business, so feel free to disregard this idea if you wish, but I just wanted to put something out there --- as the school year progresses, and he cultivates friendships (and your busy soccer schedule winds down), maybe consider seeing if he feels comfortable having a small group outing or get-together, like you or your husband being the parent to take them to a school ballgame or a movie, or having a bonfire or capture-the-flag game at your home. Sometimes the after-school socialization helps because they really don't get much down time during school to socialize.
    Last edited by coltnlasma; 08-28-2013 at 03:01 PM.
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