Talk about your troubles

[JohnnyK]

Thanks for all the support, everyone.

I have started taking meds last night (although I've been given them two weeks ago).

I also do have a therapist, but I only see her, like, once every two weeks. I'd want to see her more but she's often fully booked. It works with only appointments, as far as I know.

Who is giving up on you. I have felt like you have. Is there a walk in clinic near you? please( please) go to one.

Friends. There was one specific person who for some reason I decided to unload on whenever I felt bad or had to rant about something (through Facebook). I don't know why I chose them (maybe because I somehow have developed feelings for them...), but obviously, they don't like it and they have had enough of it. They suggested a journal which I did try for a few days before deciding it wasn't helping as much. So right now I'm trying to mend fences with these people, and have even considered leaving Facebook altogether to prevent this kind of stuff from happening as often, at least. Maybe I should just rather stick to email, phone, or real life with certain people.

I'm having a hard time finding the right choice of words right now, but I hope it makes sense.

Thanks for all the posts and support everyone. It means a lot.

[Fanny Mare]

It makes sense JK. the meds can take up to 6 weeks, we all want it to be instant, unfortunately it takes some time kiddo

[JohnnyK]

It won't solve a lot though, I'll still feel bad about the people I've lost and how I can't get some of them back.

[AZChristian]

But the meds can help you think more objectively and you are more likely to come up with ways to mend fences. And others will see that you are calmer and will be more willing to give you a second chance. We started avoiding our own son for a while because of his anger issues. Now that he's on medication, he's easier to be with, and our relationship is much better. Hang in there. Stay on your meds!!!!

[inthegarden]

I'm glad that you started back on your meds JohnnyK. Try to take them like your Doc advised even if you feel like you don't need them. Talk to her first before you change anything.

It won't solve a lot though, I'll still feel bad about the people I've lost and how I can't get some of them back.

People come and go in our lives all the time for this reason or that. I try and enjoy the time I have with that person. If it ends badly, I reflect on what my contribution was in the relationship ending and try and learn from that experience so I can avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.

[KatesMom]

I didn't want to bring this up again, but here goes.

For the last two weeks, almost every night, I've been feeling really bad and really wanted to die. I'm losing people again. They're giving up on me. but I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to tolerate me either.

Johnny, I don't remember if you ever said one way or the other, but do you take medication? Have you seen someone about this?

My own experience, for what it is worth, because I also suffer from depression: Having depression is like having blue colored glasses on. Everything in the world looks blue. And it doesn't matter how many people in your life tell you about the colors out there and how the world really looks. To you, it looks blue. For others in your life who don't suffer from depression, they will never get it - because the world isn't blue to them. And they don't understand why you can't just take the glasses off. They try to help you, but at the end of the day, even for people who love you - they just don't understand. It is sort of like addiction - people who don't suffer from it seem to think it is just a matter of willpower and you must be weak, which is so not the truth. If your depression is not chemical, then seeking a true therapist to talk through why you are wearing the blue glasses and giving you the strength to finally take them off is what is really needed. If your depression is chemical, there are medications out there that can help take the glasses off. I know because I have taken them. And it took me a few tries to find the right one, but I was shocked when I finally found the right one what a difference it made. Also, if it helps (because I know some don't like the idea of being on medication all their lives) - I do not currently take it. I am able to control it now with exercise. I am also very aware of the symptoms so I know when I am slipping again and I make the conscious decision to push through and get help to get back on top of it. But when you are on the bottom, and if you are seriously suffering from clinical depression, it is almost impossible to get yourself on top of it without help. Unfortunately, you are the only one who can get there. You have to believe that the depression is not reality - and that the thoughts you are having are not truth - and have the strength to take that first step. It is incredibly hard, but it is incredibly worth it. You have to learn how to control your situation, not the other way around. And FWIW, if those people were truly your friends, they will come back because they love you. But they can't fix you - only you can take the steps to do that.

[KatesMom]

Thanks for all the support, everyone.

I have started taking meds last night (although I've been given them two weeks ago).

I also do have a therapist, but I only see her, like, once every two weeks. I'd want to see her more but she's often fully booked. It works with only appointments, as far as I know.



Friends. There was one specific person who for some reason I decided to unload on whenever I felt bad or had to rant about something (through Facebook). I don't know why I chose them (maybe because I somehow have developed feelings for them...), but obviously, they don't like it and they have had enough of it. They suggested a journal which I did try for a few days before deciding it wasn't helping as much. So right now I'm trying to mend fences with these people, and have even considered leaving Facebook altogether to prevent this kind of stuff from happening as often, at least. Maybe I should just rather stick to email, phone, or real life with certain people.

I'm having a hard time finding the right choice of words right now, but I hope it makes sense.

Thanks for all the posts and support everyone. It means a lot.

Ok, just saw this! Please stay on the meds. It takes a minimum of two weeks for the medication to build up in your system - some even longer than that. You need to give it time to start working.

On this person - did you ask them if you could unload on them? Did you talk about their problems/life as well? I'm going to be blunt - other people have to protect themselves as well, and it sounds like you were using your friend as a therapist. My guess is that he/she didn't give up on you, but realized that he/she couldn't give you the help you needed and that you weren't seeking it while you were talking to him/her. If all the talk surrounded your issues and concerns, that's not a friendship. I only say that because I had a friend do that to me. I had to let go because it wasn't a friendship. And we never had light, fun conversations. Everything was heavy and everything was about her. I loved her, but got to the point where I would get an upset stomach when the phone rang because I knew it was going to be another one of "those" conversations. I couldn't do it anymore - I had my own problems and had to protect myself.

The giving up on Facebook altogether is the depression talking. "I had a bad experience, so my illness has made it about me being no good and me ruining everything so I should isolate further". Uh, NO! You need to see it for what it is - and you need to look at it differently. Was this a wake up call that perhaps you need someone else to vent your problems with? Yes. Was this perhaps a learning experience that maybe you should limit what you put out there on Facebook? Yes. But to cut off from Facebook completely? Maybe you haven't disclosed some of the details, but to me this sounds like "I have a cut on my finger, so I think it would be easier if I just cut my whole finger off." That's what the depression tells you you need - when in reality all you need is some Neosporin and a Band-Aid!!

[prhoshay]

Excellent Post, KM!!!! Most impressive!!

[PWS]

Really very little to add to what KM wrote, she did such a good job. Really pay attention to what she wrote. One last warning, since you are sounding SO down...when the meds start to wark, and you start to feel a little better...That's the most dangerous time in terms of doing something really dangerous like a suicide attempt. When you are completely down you have no energy...so you don't do anything. When you start to feel a little better and have a little energy, but still feel pretty bad is the danger point--so don't make any bad decisions then!
And I join with all who say we very much enjoy your posts even when we argue--don't quit on us!

[JohnnyK]

On this person - did you ask them if you could unload on them?

I don't think I did. But I just felt like they were the ones I wanted to put my full dependance upon for a couple reasons. They already knew what I was going through in the past, and I've been developing feelings for them so that also plays into it, I guess.

Did you talk about their problems/life as well? I'm going to be blunt - other people have to protect themselves as well, and it sounds like you were using your friend as a therapist. My guess is that he/she didn't give up on you, but realized that he/she couldn't give you the help you needed and that you weren't seeking it while you were talking to him/her. If all the talk surrounded your issues and concerns, that's not a friendship. I only say that because I had a friend do that to me. I had to let go because it wasn't a friendship. And we never had light, fun conversations. Everything was heavy and everything was about her. I loved her, but got to the point where I would get an upset stomach when the phone rang because I knew it was going to be another one of "those" conversations. I couldn't do it anymore - I had my own problems and had to protect myself.

We did have fun, lighter conversations in the past. We even saw eachother sometimes and did things. I've gotten to know a bit about her life and her past as well. When I feel as bad as I have the last two weeks though, I can't really help talking about what's bothering me.

She isn't the only one to have shown annoyance, though. There have been others. I know i need to stop, and I need to learn to control my emotions. It's not like I have no idea what I'm doing wrong and think everything's happening for no reason.

A couple times our convos ended badly, which would make me feel worse. and I'd leave messages like "How am I supposed to feel now?" and "You don't care about me so don't pretend you do." and even "You'll never see me again. Be happy."

What I want now is to see her in real life and try to talk things over for a few minutes or so, and make sure everything is okay between us. I couldn't sleep last night because it was bothering me too much and I just want to get it over with. But I have no idea when I will see her next.

I want to say "I just want to make sure we're okay." "You know why I took you off, right? I thought it would benefit both of us. You wouldn't have to constantly put up with me like that anymore and I wouldn't have to be even more upset."

Some of what she did say to me did hurt (but I'm sure some of what I did, did too), and I don't know whether I should say that to her or not? She'd say things like "I have no patience for this. This is so frustrating. It's always the same thing." It really doesn't ever feel good.

I also want to say "I hope you can forgive me and I'd love to still be friends". I think there was more but I can't think of it right now.

I'll respond to the rest of the post later, but I have to go.