Talk about your troubles

[just1paul]

I love your post just1paul !

Me either...Well except for last week when Cooper cat decided he would 'taste' the unlit peppermint candles in a Christmas arrangement I had sitting on the table. But... I yelled out of fear instead of anger and he froze, dropped the candle and scalded out of there. And I...removed the candles. *shame on me* I never dreamed he had my addiction for peppermint.


What I have trouble with, is the guilt I heap on myself for closing out my abusive inherited relative. I know it is for the best, but the holidays are hard because I live (in my mind) in a rose colored Norman Rockwell family all together for the holidays world. And I know it's not possible due to this person and the backlash I received for finally saying " I'm done, I just can't do this anymore ."

Thank you! Miss Mona and Mr. Joey with their LOOK and PFFT! were so special to me (well they still are) Ms. Trouble is also, with her TWO teeth and her I am out of here!

As for your relative, I have the same situation but after quite few years it finally dawned that Rockwell is nice for paintings. The only thing I sometimes feel bad about is that I think my Mom would be so happy if her three kids were a lot closer, but we never were so - that's life.

[Rattus]

I have to admit that I have yelled at one of my cats. Fairly often in fact, but Lincoln just hates Colin and there are days when he just...won't...stop. He stalks and attacks and makes the poor little bugger's life miserable, and yelling stops the attacks for at least a few minutes. I wouldn't worry about Lincoln too much if I were you, though. He is not at all afraid of me, and after an evening of being yelled at every fifteen minutes, he will spent the night lying on my chest purring like a lunatic. Nor would I worry too much about Colin. He is the most equanimous feline I have ever met, and his being attacked by Lincoln is followed immediately by a placid settling down and cleaning of the haunches. Though I have seen Lincoln coming in with scratches across his nose and clumps of fur missing, so I think that Colin can take care of himself.

[prhoshay]

I am fortunate not to have to yell. A well-timed, harsh "Don't You Dare!", and "Have You Lost Your Mind?!", or a sharp "Hey!" has worked so far. My gurls are fairly even-tempered, thank goodness.

I know something is about to go down when they just start staring, one at the other, without blinking.

[inthegarden]

I don't like to feel negative and can usually find something positive in every bad thing that comes along. Having said that, today I just need a safe place to whine. My Mom and sister are and have always been extremely close. I was a Daddies girl and on days like today, I miss him terribly. My Mom and sister have spats and then call me to complain about the other one. Over the years I learned the hard way to keep my opinions to myself because they tell each other what I said and then get mad at me.
This weekend, I was suppose to go my niece's final sport meet. One that I didn't want to miss. When I go, my Mom always wants me to stay with her so we can visit and she always has a list of projects for me to do. My sister called on Tuesday to tell me that my Mom had the flu and she told my sister to call and tell me not to come. Really? She didn't want me to maybe catch the flu. She also told her to tell me not to call because she didn't feel like talking on the phone. I could tell by the call that they were having a spat. I asked if I needed to come and stay with my Mom and help her and she said no. I called my sister to check on my mom through the week. Thursday, my mom called me and through bouts of hacking coughs, asked why I hadn't called her. I explained that I was told not to. She told me how sorry she was that I wouldn't be able to come to my niece's sport meet and how upset that she wouldn't be able to go either.
The meet was today, so knowing my mom was probably sad that she was missing it, I called to talk and cheer her up. She didn't answer her phone but called me back in a few minutes. She sounded great and I was so glad she was feeling better. Then, she proceeded to tell me she was on her way to my niece's meet.WTH? I thought she was on her death bed and had been worried all week. She asked if I wanted to talk to my sister...No, I'm glad you're feeling better, tell (my niece) good luck and just enjoy your day.
I'm glad that my mom is feeling better, but my feeling are hurt and I am angry. I know having an extra person in your house can be stressful but, when I go visit, I buy groceries, cook, help with her with whatever, and before I leave, I always do laundry and any straightening up that needs to be done. So, I'm wondering if I was put in the middle of another spat between my mom and sister. Of course you were. This is so typical of the junk that they both did when I was growing up. Pitting one against the other and expecting me to choose a side. I feel bad for my niece too. I know I'm going to get a whinny are you mad call from both my mom and sister. I don't want to talk to either one of them because I'm afraid of what I'll say. What do I say? Yes, I'm mad and yes once again you have excluded me and put me in the middle of your stupid control issue spats. And they wonder why I stay away from them...it's just too painful.
Thanks for letting me whine.

[Gutmutter]

Oh wow - that is hurtful! I'm sorry you were given the runaround when all you really wanted to do was support your niece and help take care of your mother. If you do get dragged into the middle of it, remember to stick to "I" statements... "I feel used when you put me in the middle of your arguments" - instead of accusatory "you" statements. I'm also sorry your dad is gone, leaving you alone in all this.

[Eastcoastmom]

I'm sorry you missed your niece's meet due to all the miscommunication, inthegarden. You are wise to stay out of spats between your mom and sis and not to take sides. I have a somewhat similar situation. My mom is long gone and my only sister and I are quite close. I try to be a dutiful daughter to my dad, who remarried after my mom passed, but my sister does not usually make much of an effort. Dad's feelings are always hurt due to lack of interest/indifference on my sister's part and I am always put in the middle of their squabbles. It's exhausting. I would communicate your hurt to your mother and sister and as gutmutter has wisely said, frame the statements with "I." Perhaps you can make up missing your niece's meet (if you think she is upset) with some special aunt/niece time.
Hugs to you.

[cablejockey]

Inthgarden, you sound like the perfect houseguest! I'd welcome you anytime! You had the right idea about venting here, instead of to your family. Funny how family never understands what you mean to say and family always has hurt feelings ready to pop out at a moments notice!! Sometimes I wish it was possible to divorce members of one's family when they become impossible to deal with! You dont even get to choose them and yet they are yours for life--unless you can take off an leave no forwarding address?

[AZChristian]

inthegarden

I'm just glad you have somewhere to vent.

AZC

[PWS]

inthegarden--My two cents---for what they are worth---I don't suppose this exact situation will arise again, but something similar might, like at the niece's graduation, and if so I recommend remembering this event and just saying, that's ok, I won't bother Mom, I'll just stay in a nearby motel, because I want to go to the graduation. That way you get to do what you and the niece want you to do, and you stay out of their spat. Assuming there's one nearby and that you can afford to do that of course!
Meanwhile I'd make sure your niece knows why you weren't there, since she no doubt saw your mom there and had no idea you weren't there because your mom was "sick"! You maintain that relationship and just skip over the snipers when they want to involve you in their dogfights. Easier to say than do, I do know! Good luck!

[prhoshay]

It's amazing how our childhood issues carry over into our adulthood. What a drag. I had to put the kibosh on my relationship/interaction with my older sister because I was through taking her crap. I just had to draw the line and tell her that we had gone down that road for the last time. Unfortunately, our mother died in '87, so she was not a factor. I often think that had she still been alive, things would have been different, but I also became a person who was not a "kowtow-er", and my mother knew that and seemed to respect it; I think she would have understood my stance. For years, I watched my sister talk nasty and crazy to, even, her friends and I had just had enough. For me, it became no more "K.Y.A. to get along with you." I do miss her, but it's definitely better for me. She's got issues.