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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #10951
    FORT Fogey Miss Scarlet's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by Lizard View Post
    On the John Tesh show they said studies showed talking with friends an a psychologist showed that there was zero success. That is because you are reliving the injury. I think that you must put your mind on a diet of good stuff and starve if of the bad stuff. No no no to "what ifs." Just avoid people or situations you know to be hurtful. Dwell in good places.
    I'm a far cry from a professional counsellor of any sort, but from personal experience I can't help but disagree with this. And I've seen this with others too.
    When you hold something in from others, and avoid situations that will remind you, you can't squelch what's inside. It eats away at you in your private moments, in your heart & your mind. The "woe is me" held private makes you feel so alone.
    Talking about it & your feelings, sometimes repeatedly, airs out your mind. Getting an "awww you poor thing, I feel so sorry for you" justifies your feelings & makes you feel much less alone in them. It doesn't fix anything or make the problems go away, but it helps you deal with them rationally & realize we all have them & have to get past them even if you can't get over them. Knowing you have friends & aquaintances who understand helps you move forward.

    As a friend of mine once said: "We're all in the same boat - - sinking together".
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  2. #10952
    I won't forget Cootie's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by Miss Scarlet View Post
    I'm a far cry from a professional counsellor of any sort, but from personal experience I can't help but disagree with this. And I've seen this with others too.
    When you hold something in from others, and avoid situations that will remind you, you can't squelch what's inside. It eats away at you in your private moments, in your heart & your mind. The "woe is me" held private makes you feel so alone.
    Talking about it & your feelings, sometimes repeatedly, airs out your mind. Getting an "awww you poor thing, I feel so sorry for you" justifies your feelings & makes you feel much less alone in them. It doesn't fix anything or make the problems go away, but it helps you deal with them rationally & realize we all have them & have to get past them even if you can't get over them. Knowing you have friends & aquaintances who understand helps you move forward.

    As a friend of mine once said: "We're all in the same boat - - sinking together".
    I agree with you on this. I know that for years I was heartbroken about my mother's death and buried it deep inside. My siblings were also hurting but it was hard to talk to them about the loss as there was always the fear that we could wear each other out with our misery. When Lopevian started the "Losing a Mom" thread years ago, it was incredible how I both hurt for her and the others who shared their loss. It made me feel less alone. But I could not write about how hurt I felt for a number of years. When I did finally share my story, I was embraced by a group who understood and were compassionate. The discussions that ensued ended up being incredibly therapeutic. And I am able now to better talk to coworkers and friends who experience loss keeping in mind that empathy means a great deal in the healing process. FORT therapy, I recommend it highly.

    Johnny, it is good let people know if you are hurting. They might just be those of us on FORT if it feels safer for you, but there may be someone else you know in your daily life who needs to talk, too? Don't forget to celebrate the things that you liked about your grandfather. If you focus mostly on what you don't have when he is gone, you may forget to enjoy something in your daily life that is there for the taking! Maybe that is more of what Lizard is talking about?

  3. #10953
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Journaling is a huge help.....writing with abandon. I was surprised at how much pain it gets out; going back to read it at a later time also gives you a good perspective on where you were then and where you've come to. I've found out that it really helps me to get to know myself, in depth. Feels good!
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  4. #10954
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I was thinking that Johnny would be warmed by being in the presence of other folk. And some people might need his help.

    When I was a teen my sister read my silly diary to people. I have written down my thoughts in highly stressful times. And then tore it up so nobody could read them. I had a lot of personal shame for being so stressed. But it dissipated.

    My husband's ex told me that I let things bother me. She said that it is hard for any person to bother her because she does not let anybody in her zone. I remember that. And I enjoy my quiet times knitting and reflecting in my zone. Johnny needs to find his zone and shut whatever bothers him out of his zone.
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  5. #10955
    Vidiot 13 is a Winner Champion Poppy Fields's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by Miss Scarlet View Post
    I'm a far cry from a professional counsellor of any sort, but from personal experience I can't help but disagree with this. And I've seen this with others too.
    When you hold something in from others, and avoid situations that will remind you, you can't squelch what's inside. It eats away at you in your private moments, in your heart & your mind. The "woe is me" held private makes you feel so alone.
    Talking about it & your feelings, sometimes repeatedly, airs out your mind. Getting an "awww you poor thing, I feel so sorry for you" justifies your feelings & makes you feel much less alone in them. It doesn't fix anything or make the problems go away, but it helps you deal with them rationally & realize we all have them & have to get past them even if you can't get over them. Knowing you have friends & aquaintances who understand helps you move forward.

    As a friend of mine once said: "We're all in the same boat - - sinking together".
    I think that you cannot shut out the people and places that speak deeply to your grief and your loss. While it's possible to avoid/ignore them, you cannot cocoon youself. Experiencing the pain is part of the grieving process. If you isolate yourself from it emotionally, you will find over time that you have inured yourself to not feeling much of anything, even joy.

    You don't want to go there. Keep your heart open, even to pain - and express it to the people who cause you to feel it. Nothing makes you a bigger person than exercising the honesty it takes to be your authentic self out loud. Do this even if you're afraid to. The people who love you - or just like you - will honor you for it. Knowing/discovering who they are is a reward unto itself.
    "Blessed is the lonesome pioneer." -- Judee Sill (1973, "There's a Rugged Road")

  6. #10956
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Agreed. If you try to ignore and shut out the pain and painful memories, that stuff just follows you until you deal with it. I had a dear friend whose childhood was not ideal - physical and verbal abuse that had caused him emotional pain into his adult life. He kept ignoring the problem saying he didn't want it to dictate his life, but because he hadn't dealt with it, the problem kept affecting him. Once he went to therapy and dealt with his feelings, he was much happier and had a better relationship with his family. It wasn't easy, but the end result was worth it for him.

    You don't have to wallow in misery to deal with painful memories.
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  7. #10957
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Johnny, if it is indeed your grandfather's death that is bringing you so low it does help I think to talk about how you feel, but also to focus on talking about the good things in your memories of him and your relationship and share those. That's why often now people have "celebrations of life" memorial services...it helps to share those good memories with others who can share theirs...you can talk about how sad you are but also about those good things that make you glad you knew him. Dwell on those as it were and stay in touch with the others who share your grief.

    I'm not a professional either, but because of my job I worked with a lot of students who were coming to terms with having been raped...both men and women (and not always by men)...and the first step for them really did seem to be talking about it. For students often they could "deal with it" by ignoring it when things were going well, as at the start of the term, but it takes a lot of psychic energy to keep that pain in...and when things got tough, at midterms or finals, that's when the flashbacks etc. started... and of course that's just when a student doesn't have much time to go looking for a therapist, etc. It's like the old joke about fixing the hole in the roof...don't need to when the sun is shining, can't do it when it is raining.

    Yes, it's true that obsessing gets you nowhere, but in my experience if you don't get the pain out in open it doesn't heal.
    Lizard, if you remember anything about who did the studies on the JT show I'd love to look them up and see exactly to what circumstances they refer. Thanks!

  8. #10958
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Hi everyone. Thanks for the posts.

    I want to confirm that my current emotional struggle doesn't have to do with that. It was a tough time, but my family and I have appeared to move past it.

    I messaged a member on here about part of it since they have come to me. Since I didn't describe specifics in the PM I guess I can post it here, too.

    Well, I'm not sure if I can get into too much detail just yet, but lately I've been feeling like, there's no hope in trying anymore, when it comes to certain situations. Like, it's like I expect things to work out too fast, and when they don't, I feel worse.
    Like, issues that have happened for years now, keep coming back. I know I'm not in the place to do certain things, but ironically I feel that those certain things are what I need to get out of where I am.
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  9. #10959
    FORT Fogey Lizard's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Maybe focusing in other things Johnny if it is something you do not have much control over.
    You can do it!

  10. #10960
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Like, issues that have happened for years now, keep coming back. I know I'm not in the place to do certain things, but ironically I feel that those certain things are what I need to get out of where I am.

    So , do you mean this issues that happened years ago, were never resolved JK, is that why they keep coming back.
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