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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #10781
    FORT Fogey Lizard's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by Debb70 View Post
    Perhaps someone can offer some advice on something that is troubling me. It's about my parents. They are in their 70's, but quite active, though they tire more now. The problem is that a certain couple of family members have started to visit them on almost a daily basis, usually at meal time and stay a long time. They either seem to expect my mom to cook for them or they wish to enter the kitchen and prepare their own food.

    My parents love to see these family members, but it's gotten too much and for too long. (At least 6 out of 7 days per week.) They will come at lunch and stay until dinner, hinting they are hungry. I've tried to step in, but my mom is too afraid of hurting their feelings. I think my parents are being take advantage of. And it's costing my parents triple what it normally would. My thought is if you are that rude, you should have your feelings hurt.

    These are people who buy most of what they want. They have cell phones, cars, etc. Why they don't buy their own food and go home and prepare it escapes me. They never bring any food with them or offer any money, in fact one of them asks for money too!
    Money has different significance to people. My 71 year old mother is quite the tight wad (and is well to do because of it) but she loves to cook for people. It gives her joy. Visiting with people gives her joy. And aside from lessons, that is what life is about. If your mother is not suffering financially, I would recommend that you not suffer thinking that they are taking advantage of her. If you wish you might give or do something extra for your mother if it makes you feel better.

    My mother WOULD be on my case if she thought I was spending money making people meals though. So there are many ways to look at it.
    You can do it!

  2. #10782
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by Lizard View Post
    Money has different significance to people. My 71 year old mother is quite the tight wad (and is well to do because of it) but she loves to cook for people. It gives her joy. Visiting with people gives her joy. And aside from lessons, that is what life is about. If your mother is not suffering financially, I would recommend that you not suffer thinking that they are taking advantage of her. If you wish you might give or do something extra for your mother if it makes you feel better.

    My mother WOULD be on my case if she thought I was spending money making people meals though. So there are many ways to look at it.
    If these visits are costing her parents three times what they normally spend, I'd hazard a guess that it is causing at least some financial discomfort. Debb did mention above that it bothers her parents and it is affecting their bank account. If it was MY parents, that's all I'd need to hear.
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  3. #10783
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    You know, an interesting thing is that while the "put-upon people" may not complain to the people who are causing them stress, but YOU (the child) may have to hear all about it...ad nauseum!! People have ways of passing on their stress and irritation on to people they feel are "safe".

    The other people do it, but you've got to hear about it!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  4. #10784
    Best Ever Pool Runner Angry Birds Champion, Rancho Ice Racer Champion pikachu's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I know what you mean, prhoshay. My dad complains to me about my nephew all the time.

    I tend to do the same thing, too, though. I don't want to complain directly to the person whose irritating me because I don't want them to get angry with me. So I'll complain to some intermediate person so they can hopefully bring it up with the person in question in a tactful way. Or even if that person doesn't intervene, I at least get the feelings off my chest and then can look at them from a new perspective and brainstorm with this other person ideas about how I can handle the situation. If I go to talk to the person I have a complaint with, when should I do it, how should I word it, and what kind of response can I expect?

  5. #10785
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I agree with your comments about my parents liking the company and my mom cooking for others, but it's just too much. It adds up when you have to provide extra napkins, beverages, and have extra plates, cups, etc. everyday.

    I have given my parents nice gifts for a long time. I also do lots for them. Whenever I hear them say there is something they need or want, I try to get it if at all possible, such as a new clothes hamper, a new tv, a new mattress, cookware, etc. Whenever I give them cash, it often goes to the guests who are never without a reason they need some cash. Other people have noticed it too and made a few comments about it over a year ago to me. I wasn't around as much then, but now that I am, I see up close what is going on.

    I think what is so sad is they could contribute to my parents in so many ways, such as running errands, doing things around the yard or house, bringing in a bag of groceries every once in awhile, or even calling and asking if they can do something for them, but NOOOO. It's all one way. It's all take and no give. It's sad to be that way. It's really their loss in the long run. I'm still going to discuss it further with them.

  6. #10786
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Probably, the sooner the better. Why should you be concerned about the feelings of somebody who is not concerned about your feelings? You cannot predict/control the response you will get, but you just might get some enlightenment and learn a few things, which is always good, if you ask me.

    I'm one of those "lay it on the line" kind of people. It's not fair to expect other people to fight your battles for you....especially if you like the person to whom you are venting!
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    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  7. #10787
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I think it's healthy to vent a bit and get out your feelings. It helps you sort out how you feel and sometimes having someone to talk to who ISN'T directly involved can help you to figure out how to handle it. The thing that's frustrating for the person who's listening is when the one venting never does anything to change the situation. At a certain point - and this is when the situation actually can be addressed in some way and probably improved - I don't want to hear it any more. I think some people just enjoy complaining about things....and if someone solved all of their problems, they'd find new ones to complain about!

    I worked with a woman who did nothing but complain all summer about how they didn't have air conditioning in their house and how awful it was - we get triple digit temps, sometimes for weeks at a time here. Then, a co-worker offered her an air conditioner (used, but still working just fine) AND offered to come install it for her, but she balked and made some excuse about her landlord. She didn't even ASK the landlord. Like her landlord would have said no to something that would improve the property and that he didn't have to pay for. Of course, she kept on complaining about the heat. I stopped listening, because I just had no sympathy after that.
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    Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.' - Isaac Asimov

    I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "... I drank what?"

  8. #10788
    Go Teams! inthegarden's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    That is so true! If I get tired of listening to the same problem over and over, I will ask the habitual complainers in my family...Is this something that you need my help with or are you just venting?

  9. #10789
    FORT Fogey Lizard's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    If the person is really doing something they know they should not be doing and complaining, I think it is best to disassociate. Do not make excuses for a person who lacks character. There are so many people that do who you can spend your time around.
    You can do it!

  10. #10790
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I'd like to see more people journal their feelings and go back and read them again a little bit down the road; you tend to see things differently or more clearly when you re-visit. After a time, or two, I'm more likely to say, "Oh, geez.....here we go again."
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

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