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Thread: Talk about your troubles

  1. #10771
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Your mom won't agree, but I'd do it anyway and include something like, "She would be mortified to know I was intervening, but..."
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  2. #10772
    FORT Fogey justCoz's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I also agree with inthegarden. My mother had a similar situation in that her siblings were not treating her mother right, different issues, but still not being respectful of my grandmother. When her health was failing her mind never did until the last week or two. My mom would have said something and asked my grandmother if that is what she wanted and my grandmother did not want that. I don't think she wanted the problems. My mother respected her wishes, but it was difficult to see them act that way.

    If your parents do want this and don't want to outright say it but will allow you to, go for it. I think it's a great idea to step in and say something. I urged my mother to say something which is when she told me that wasn't what my grandmother wanted. I understood, but I've always thought they should have been told they were acting like jerks.

  3. #10773
    Best Ever Pool Runner Angry Birds Champion, Rancho Ice Racer Champion pikachu's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Sometimes people are too timid to speak up for themselves. Maybe your parents were brought up to be hospitable to guests but when they get to a point in life when they can longer afford to provide for everyone and they're not up to the constant stream of visitors, they have to face the fact that things must change.

    I agree that talking to your parents beforehand would be a good idea and just gently remind them why it's necessary. Let them know they can put the matter in your hands so they don't have to come across as bad guys. This request is entirely reasonable. It's not rude to clue visitors in to the new rules of the game. If anything, it's rude of these visitors to impose on your parents.

    And, of course, if your parents decide they don't want you to do this, even after you have a talk with them, you have to accept it. Putting out peanut butter and bread for visitors wouldn't be such a bad idea in that case!
    Last edited by pikachu; 08-20-2012 at 04:25 PM.
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  4. #10774
    FORT Fogey Debb70's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Thanks for all the comments. I will sleep on it. I find that sleeping on a matter often will give me a new perspective or give me confidence that I have made the right decision.

    You have to handle things gingerly. I know this. I don't want to cause any distress to my parents, but I have to consider which will cause them more distress.....dealing with the current situation or dealing with it and not having to face that day after day.......Sometimes you think things will fall into place or work itself out, but it's just getting worse. I think that as our parents age, at some point, we have to step in when they don't seem to be able to care for certain matters. I think we have to pick our battles. I won't butt in on everything, but this is something that bothers them, as they have told me many times AND it impacts their bank account.

    By the way, how many people go to someone else's home uninvited and unexpected and then stay for 5-6 hours? It boggles the mind.
    Last edited by Debb70; 08-20-2012 at 04:33 PM.
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  5. #10775
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Quote Originally Posted by Debb70 View Post
    Thanks for all the comments. I will sleep on it. I find that sleeping on a matter often will give me a new perspective or give me confidence that I have made the right decision.

    You have to handle things gingerly. I know this. I don't want to cause any distress to my parents, but I have to consider which will cause them more distress.....dealing with the current situation or dealing with it and not having to face that day after day.......Sometimes you think things will fall into place or work itself out, but it's just getting worse. I think that as our parents age, at some point, we have to step in when they don't seem to be able to care for certain matters. I think we have to pick our battles. I won't butt in on everything, but this is something that bothers them, as they have told me many times AND it impacts their bank account.

    By the way, how many people go to someone else's home uninvited and unexpected and then stay for 5-6 hours? It boggles the mind.
    There's NO way they don't know they're imposing. It sounds to me like they're freeloading and taking advantage because your parents are too nice to say no and because they're older. It's inexcusable.

    You really don't need to accuse these relatives of anything. You can just say something like "My parents don't want to say anything to hurt your feelings, but your visits are really tiring them out and having to feed extra people is costing them more money than they have on a fixed income." Maybe you could suggest that they come once a week. It seems like these people are taking advantage of your parents' kindness and KNOW they won't be blunt. I think if you're blunt, but nice, they may take a hint. You may have to get blunt and not nice if that doesn't work, but I think people always appreciate the opportunity to save face.....even when they don't deserve it.
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  6. #10776
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I think I'd show up at their house, unannounced and, in no uncertain terms, lay down the facts...with no apologies. Protect your parents. In no way should this be done at your parents' home.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

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  7. #10777
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    If you decide to do nothing, at least think of some creative alternatives... invite your parents over (and lock their door) when the freeloaders are most likely to show up, beat them to the punch and all of you go over to THEIR house and wait for meals, have them serve nothing but pasta and cheap, canned spaghetti sauce when their "guests" come over, have them eat an hour earlier than the guests normally arrive so they're too full to serve them a meal, have them pretend to go on a "raw" diet or a "juicing" diet and offer the freeloaders nothing but celery sticks and spinach smoothies. Seriously - I bet you could get your mom to try one of these approaches if you make it a funny brainstorming session and help her stick to it. Make sure Dad's in on it, so he doesn't rock the boat. They can always have a real meal planned after the fake offerings send the relatives packing. Give them some restaurant gift cards or even have them buy their own for inexpensive places like Subway and tell the guests they already have plans to go out.
    Last edited by Gutmutter; 08-21-2012 at 05:36 AM.
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  8. #10778
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    I like the idea of the special diet excuse. Metamucil for everyone??? Aww, too bad you can't stay for supper! We were going to have Ensure for dessert!
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  9. #10779
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    A lot of people aren't comfortable with subterfuge. I think the best approach is to just lay it on the line....that way, you don't have to have a good memory.
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    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  10. #10780
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    Re: Talk about your troubles

    Lots of good ideas. I'm still thinking it over. My mom didn't feel yesterday, so I'm going to wait and discuss it tomorrow. I have thought of an idea that I think she may go for.

    When they show up, put them to work. They can ask the guest to cut the lawn, vacuum, clean the showers, pull weeds, wash windows, etc. Explain that she and my dad can't do much of that stuff anymore. The only problem is that it may work up their appetite! LOL

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