spockwhat . . .
I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom.
So very sorry.
Regardless of what the specifics of the relationship were, that was your mom, and of course, you're still on a rollercoaster of emotions right now that you don't, and can't, understand fully just yet.
Eventually, though, you will get through these feelings to reach some semblance of normal for you in your own way, and in your own time.
Please know that my heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you.