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Thread: Personal Problems

  1. #11
    FORT Regular candyapple's Avatar
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    It sounds like this situation is having and effect on your other friendships as well. Since that is the case you might want to put on a brave face and do your best to grin and bear it and be around them in social situations for a time. You don't have to be around them one on one but just enough to enjoy your other friends. Your discomfort might be making all of them uncomfortable too and they take the low road of leaving you out. Not to sound old and condesending but you are probably young and they are too and life experience and time and maturity will make these situations easier.
    In the mean time it is ok to feel sad and betrayed that your friend is dating someone you obviously cared for and to also feel hurt and probably envious at their happiness where you did not get it to work out. I bet they feel as awkward as you do too. Sometimes it helps just to adress that big "elephant in the room" and then go ahead and have the feeling you have. Just don't get stuck on them. Perhaps if you can spend small amounts of time with them in social settings you can slowly adjust. Who knows you might also meet someone new in that setting and be much happier.

    It also might help to write a small sincere note to your friend, taking the approach that you are sorry things have been strained between you and that you miss her company and just admit that it is a strange situation for you and would she mind giving you some time to adjust. Then maybe suggest that the two of you do some girl time and just spend time together. If you value the friendship and she does too then that should be an option and I am sure she misses you too.

    If the relationship with the boy wasn't a long term one then do your best to let it go and keep the good friend and take this opportunity to face something hard and uncomfortable and become the better person for it. Who knows you may end up with him as a good friend as well.

    Sadly, life is full of these messy situations and the earlier you can face them and learn to handle them maturely and head on the easier it becomes and the better it will make your life in the long run.

    I don't mean to trivialize your feelings or the situation.

  2. #12
    daydream believer oneTVslave's Avatar
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    That is some good advice, candyapple. Very well said. Welcome to the FORT, by the way.
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  3. #13
    FORT Regular candyapple's Avatar
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    Thanks, I have just found that most people are as uncomfortable as you are in those situations and if you just address it they are pretty grateful. Once you do it doesn't seem as big either.

  4. #14
    FORT Fogey Muduh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by queenb
    Sometimes, things are broken and they can't be repaired. When that happens, it's hard to do but it's time to move on, do new things with new people. Sounds scary and it is, but it beats living in the past.
    I agree with you. She said that she is left out of the group now and he's in. Sounds like it's time to find a new group of friends. I don't feel that she needs to grovel to the ex friend about wanting them to do things together. If the friendship had been that strong, she wouldn't be in this situation. Sounds to me like she was doing all the giving. Why make it worse?

  5. #15
    FORT Regular candyapple's Avatar
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    I am just remembering what it was like to want to be with a friend and neither knowing how to fix it and giving her a suggestion on how to give it a try. I didnt' want her to grovel just a small gesture. At a young age sometimes a friendship needs help no matter how strong.

    I am always for reconciliation rather than burning the bridge.

  6. #16
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    I lost a good friend in high school when he started going out with this girl who didn't like me very much. Eventually she gave him an ultimatum (his friends or her), and he chose her. I was hurt for a while, but I haven't seen or talked to the guy in years and hardly even think about it now. That girl is now this dude's wife and they have two kids, I think. He got kicked out of one college due to bad grades, then went to another and ended up dropping out because he got married and had to get a job to support the family.

    In other words, he chose poorly (to quote "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade").
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  7. #17
    Not caring is fun! Matt64's Avatar
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    I'll admit I've never been in this situation.. but I think its silly that you're not calling your other friends to hang out with them. I mean, if they can't stand the boyfriend, and only hang out with him for her sake, and you aren't being invited, why not call them first, and go out with them. That way, you're in with your friends, and if she, comes along, and brings him, well.. so be it.. I mean there isn't anything you can really do except sit at home, but I think you need to be a little more pro-active in regards to keeping your other friends. They wont invite you along if they think you're going to feel uncomfortable, but if you get back in with them, they will invite you out again, because they'll see that you aren't, even if you are.

  8. #18
    FORT Fogey canadian_bunny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by erin_dye
    We were only together for a few months (not very long, I know), but we broke up at the end of February. I still do have some feelings for him. I know that it would never have worked out between us, but there is still some hurt there.
    I didn't think you were completely over him, because it bothered you to be around him and your friend. I would still have things to do with my other friends, but if it bothered me to be around them, and they are part of your circle of friends, I would be looking for other friends to do things with. Do not put yourself in places you aren't comfortable with. If she is your real friend, she will see how this is bothering you and will be more careful of your feelings too, until you are adjusted to the fact she and your ex are together. If you are dating others, why not bring him with you with your friends, or do you think that would make the situation worse?

  9. #19
    FORT Fanatic MalibuPam's Avatar
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    There's a lot of good advice here. I have just one thing to add. I hate bad times. I hate to look back at bad times. Because of that, I've devised a way to get out of them. Use it as a catalyst for change. Find a way to turn this into a positive. Find a way to make it possible for you to later say, "wow, I'm so glad that George started going out with Sally, because it inspired me to _________." Instead of feeling bad because your friends are going out without you, instead of feeling hurt each time your best friend tells you about this dude, turn your attention in an entirely different direction and take a big positive step for you. This is your chance.

    So, what can you do to turn this bummer into something great? What have you always wanted to do, but never thought you had the time or opportunity? Did you go to college? Do you want to? Can you take a class? A night class? If you don't want or need a degree, how about something fun? An art class? A dance class? A self-defense class? A motorcycle riding class? Have you ever wanted to skydive? Do it now! Or volunteer for something, if that sounds better. You've got better things to do than mope around about these people. You have a life to lead and great places to go. What about graduate school? Ever considered it? What if you could look back and say "I'm so glad doofus broke up with me, because that's what inspired me to get my MBA."

    A few years ago, my husband started a restaurant and we lost boatloads of money. I was freaking out every day, until I said to myself, how can we make this positive? I've always wanted to be a writer, but I could never finish a novel no matter how many times I started one. I used that awful time to drive myself into a great success. I wrote--and finished--my first full 400 page novel (not published yet, that's another story) because of that experience. Now, I will never regret the restaurant, because it led me to fulfill one of my dreams.

    So what are your dreams? This is the time to take a step and make good things happen for you. Take this lousy bummer situation and turn it around now. What can you do to put yourself on another, greater path? This is the best way I know how, to get through bad times.
    Last edited by MalibuPam; 07-09-2004 at 03:01 PM.

  10. #20
    FORT Fan anitavacation's Avatar
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    Some of the best friends I've ever had (not to mention psychotic) were ex-sweeties.

    1. I would get it in my head that this is my best friend and I will do everything to maintain the relationship at whatever level I can / allowed to. I would make peace with the ex and try to establish the friend thing (don't shoot for the moon all at once though) or at least civil relations when visiting shared friends. And if it helps, talk to your friends about how you're feeling and ask for suggestions to make everyone more comfortiable.

    2. Otherwise, depending on how you still feel about your friend, make an effort to establish or create situations where you, your friend, and possibly some/all shared friends can have some time to yourselves.

    3. Of course, you could always obtain a new sweetie (hopefully rich and good looking) and you won't care anymore.

    Good luck to you - I know how you feel and trust me, there are other people and friends out there that will eventually come into your life, so no despair.

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