The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents - Page 91

Muduh · 07-05-2004, 09:57 PM

Eva hon, I'm so sorry about your situation. Your mother is the loser in this and will probably live to regret her dumb decisions. She sounds like a very selfish person and just a little dumb for telling you some of the things she does. Sounds like she just tries to hurt your feelings. You probably should not even try to include her in family events and see how that goes over.
I was raised by a woman who sounds like her relative. It's not fun explaining the behavior to your kids. I spent a lot of time overlooking her crap but one day I told her off, big time. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I can't say whether you should do the same, but it sounds like it. I would definitely tell her how tacky it was to bypass her grand childs birthday party for another relatives.

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dagwood · 07-05-2004, 10:18 PM

Muduh hit the nail on the head. I probably would have pitched a fit, but that's not very mature, is it?

Texicana · 07-05-2004, 10:44 PM

Eva, my dad is the same way about his only grandkid, my brother's daughter, Sophie. He didn't know what to do on her second birthday because there was her party and also a nephew of his had a son celebrating a grade school graduation. I had to yell at him to get it into his noggin that it's a no brainer what function has priority.

I would definitely tell her how terrible it looks and how it makes you feel when she slights you and your children.

EvaLaruefan · 07-05-2004, 10:59 PM

Thanks guys for the advice. i will keep you updated if anything comes out of this. *hugs to all of you*

VeeJay · 07-06-2004, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EvaLaruefan

I want to yell and scream though when it comes to family, I'm usually one to stay quiet not to start anything.

If you're like me and not the confrontational type, maybe when she calls you next or you could call her and tell her, in an unthreatening manner just say something like - you really hurt my feelings the other day when you didn't come to my son's party because you said you were tired, but then went to so and so's party anyway.

Sometimes if you just let a person know how bad it makes you feel when they do these things, it's more effective in making them understand than putting them on the defensive. Because when that happens people sometimes say mean things just to save face.

applesauce · 07-06-2004, 04:52 AM

Eva, this makes me so sad. I am sorry you had to go through that. If this is a common type of situation in regards to your mom, then let her know your thoughts. Her actions were so rude and hurtful, that she must be aware of them. The fact of the matter is, if she is set her ways, she probably won't change. Therefore, don't try to change her. Maybe you can come up with some sort of agreement on how future parties, events and gatherings will be handled. It might sound like a cold idea but if you set some ground rules, then maybe you can elimindate hurt feelings and deflated expectations in the future. Just remember, you are an amazing and loving mom and would never let your child (and their future children) down in such a manner.

queeny · 07-06-2004, 12:19 PM

Boy Eva I hear ya,(as do the other women here) I've been there and this is how I've done that.
simply, I have NO expectations when it comes to my mother, therefor I am rarely disappointed. It has taken me years to grow this thick skin with her(my eldest child is 16)Almost all of the milestones in my life have been forgotten and or ignored. I have been ill with cancer for the past 5 months,the kemo has been very difficult for every one and I have had only a couple of calls. Granted she live in the states, but has more money than God and could fly up here weekly if she wanted. Instead she spends her time flying to Europe and taking cruises. So I handle this like every other moment that is good or bad with the support of a good man , my blessed children and my dear friends. I'm not sure if this will help you, but embrace your life with your friends and family and don't let the shadow of your mother's poor judgment ruin the special moments, like your childs birthday, his first steps and the many many more wonderful events to come(wait until you experience the first day of school, or the christmas play.....) only good things to come.

Muduh · 07-06-2004, 03:21 PM

queeny, no one could have said it better. Expect nothing and maybe you'll get an occasional surprise, or not. Either way, don't let it get you down.

EvaLaruefan · 07-06-2004, 05:13 PM

Thank you guys. Queeny, that is sad, but that is exactly how she is.

applesauce · 07-07-2004, 04:50 AM

queeny - I send you my best as you go through your chemo treatments. I am glad you have a good support team in your children and man. I agree with your advice. If you don't have any expectations, you won't get hurt.

07-05-2004, 10:44 PM	#903
Texicana Rude and Abrasive Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: in the kitchen, darling! Age: 38 Posts: 4,844	Eva, my dad is the same way about his only grandkid, my brother's daughter, Sophie. He didn't know what to do on her second birthday because there was her party and also a nephew of his had a son celebrating a grade school graduation. I had to yell at him to get it into his noggin that it's a no brainer what function has priority. I would definitely tell her how terrible it looks and how it makes you feel when she slights you and your children. __________________ " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

07-05-2004, 09:57 PM	#901
Muduh FORT Fogey Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,651	Eva hon, I'm so sorry about your situation. Your mother is the loser in this and will probably live to regret her dumb decisions. She sounds like a very selfish person and just a little dumb for telling you some of the things she does. Sounds like she just tries to hurt your feelings. You probably should not even try to include her in family events and see how that goes over. I was raised by a woman who sounds like her relative. It's not fun explaining the behavior to your kids. I spent a lot of time overlooking her crap but one day I told her off, big time. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I can't say whether you should do the same, but it sounds like it. I would definitely tell her how tacky it was to bypass her grand childs birthday party for another relatives.

07-05-2004, 10:18 PM	#902
dagwood Happy frog Join Date: Feb 2003 Age: 37 Posts: 15,638	Muduh hit the nail on the head. I probably would have pitched a fit, but that's not very mature, is it?

07-05-2004, 10:59 PM	#904
EvaLaruefan Hockey is life! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Montreal,Canada Age: 34 Posts: 3,172	Thanks guys for the advice. i will keep you updated if anything comes out of this. hugs to all of you

07-06-2004, 04:52 AM	#906
applesauce FORTfruity Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 2,099	Eva, this makes me so sad. I am sorry you had to go through that. If this is a common type of situation in regards to your mom, then let her know your thoughts. Her actions were so rude and hurtful, that she must be aware of them. The fact of the matter is, if she is set her ways, she probably won't change. Therefore, don't try to change her. Maybe you can come up with some sort of agreement on how future parties, events and gatherings will be handled. It might sound like a cold idea but if you set some ground rules, then maybe you can elimindate hurt feelings and deflated expectations in the future. Just remember, you are an amazing and loving mom and would never let your child (and their future children) down in such a manner.

07-06-2004, 12:19 PM	#907
queeny Queeny Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: toronto Age: 45 Posts: 334	Boy Eva I hear ya,(as do the other women here) I've been there and this is how I've done that. simply, I have NO expectations when it comes to my mother, therefor I am rarely disappointed. It has taken me years to grow this thick skin with her(my eldest child is 16)Almost all of the milestones in my life have been forgotten and or ignored. I have been ill with cancer for the past 5 months,the kemo has been very difficult for every one and I have had only a couple of calls. Granted she live in the states, but has more money than God and could fly up here weekly if she wanted. Instead she spends her time flying to Europe and taking cruises. So I handle this like every other moment that is good or bad with the support of a good man , my blessed children and my dear friends. I'm not sure if this will help you, but embrace your life with your friends and family and don't let the shadow of your mother's poor judgment ruin the special moments, like your childs birthday, his first steps and the many many more wonderful events to come(wait until you experience the first day of school, or the christmas play.....) only good things to come.

07-06-2004, 03:21 PM	#908
Muduh FORT Fogey Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,651	queeny, no one could have said it better. Expect nothing and maybe you'll get an occasional surprise, or not. Either way, don't let it get you down.

07-06-2004, 05:13 PM	#909
EvaLaruefan Hockey is life! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Montreal,Canada Age: 34 Posts: 3,172	Thank you guys. Queeny, that is sad, but that is exactly how she is.

07-07-2004, 04:50 AM	#910
applesauce FORTfruity Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 2,099	queeny - I send you my best as you go through your chemo treatments. I am glad you have a good support team in your children and man. I agree with your advice. If you don't have any expectations, you won't get hurt.