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Thread: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

  1. #5681
    FORT Fogey GuardianAngel's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    sweet lady, I'm sorry to hear that your ex plans on seeing his children once a year if that. He has retained his joint legal custody to protect himself if his situation changes with the g/f. I would, after one year of documenting everything, go back to court for legal sole custody due to the fact he has only visited X number of times in one year.

    Its too bad that at this point in his life, his g/f is more important than his children. Unfortunately for him, as mrd says, he will regret that with all his might, when its too late.

    Once the kids are older, guess what, they won't want to visit with their Dad. Nothing will make up for years lost with them.

    My son was very young when we separated. I bascially forced him to keep visiting with his Dad even though he hated going there because of his lunatic g/f then wife. I knew there would be a point when he would be old enough to say "i'm not going", and that's exactly what happened. No one can say that I prevented him from going and he was able to make up his own mind when he was twelve or thirteen.

    Sometimes its better if you have less contact with the ex, however its not so good for the one raising them and having to explain why their father doesn't visit. He will live with his decision every day, and I'm sure he'll be regretting it. If she was any sort of decent person, she would encourage him to make sure he visits as often as possible.

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    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    My son is going through somewhat of the same thing. His GF would like to move to Michigan, where her family lives and my son refuses to go with her. He told her that if she feels she has to move to be happy, that she should do that, but not to expect him to move that far away from his kids. She's trying to lay a guilt trip on him. The... "if you loved me...." argument. It's not working, and it never will. He's fought too hard to even be able to be in their lives, to just turn around and give those girls up now. The only thing that's going to happen is that he and his GF will break up.
    When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "Happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life. - John Lennon

  3. #5683
    Pineapple! ClosetRTWatcher's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    Quote Originally Posted by Lil Bit;3755476;
    My son is going through somewhat of the same thing. His GF would like to move to Michigan, where her family lives and my son refuses to go with her. He told her that if she feels she has to move to be happy, that she should do that, but not to expect him to move that far away from his kids. She's trying to lay a guilt trip on him. The... "if you loved me...." argument. It's not working, and it never will. He's fought too hard to even be able to be in their lives, to just turn around and give those girls up now. The only thing that's going to happen is that he and his GF will break up.
    Good for your son Lil Bit!! WTH is his GF thinking? You guys have fought too hard for time with those girls to up and leave!!

    It annoys me to no end when a woman gets involved with a man with full awareness of the fact that the man has a child (or children) and then expect the men to put them first. Children should ALWAYS be put ahead of potential relationships. If the relationship is worth it, the new sig. other would be willing to stick it out and would encourage the ties with the children. What kind of guy would be a better potential partner: the one who is taking care of his responsibilities or the one who has cut ties and run off looking for greener pastures!?!?!?

    sweet lady: I'm sorry to hear your ex is being such a jerk. Hopefully he will realize that he is the one missing out on time with his kids as a result of his decisions.

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    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    So here's the newest addition to our troubles with my son. He is 17 and his g/f is almost 18. He has been dating this girl for about a year. They have lied about nearly everything, sent naked pics to each other and I just do not like her at all. He has changed so much since dating her. He is always late coming home and always has an excuse for everything. He cannot follow rules (very simple rules like chores) and is just generally very mean right now. Her family is going to a restaurant for Thanksgiving and my son wants his g/f to come to our house for the meal. I said no. His response was "If the neighbor's are coming and they aren't family what difference does it make that one more person comes?" I said, I don't want her in my house. His response is he doesn't want to come to dinner then. I'm putting my foot down and not giving in. He cannot spend one evening with family without her being there and it's just toxic. Fun fun fun!!
    Yup, with donuts!!

  5. #5685
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    If he doesn't want to come to dinner can he stay in his room? I would not give in to this one either. But does he realize how toxic she is? Are you fighting him vs her too much - I have heard the more you try to change something, the more they will resist.

  6. #5686
    Go Teams! inthegarden's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    Quote Originally Posted by GuardianAngel;3755462;
    sweet lady, I'm sorry to hear that your ex plans on seeing his children once a year if that. He has retained his joint legal custody to protect himself if his situation changes with the g/f. I would, after one year of documenting everything, go back to court for legal sole custody due to the fact he has only visited X number of times in one year.

    Its too bad that at this point in his life, his g/f is more important than his children. Unfortunately for him, as mrd says, he will regret that with all his might, when its too late.

    Once the kids are older, guess what, they won't want to visit with their Dad. Nothing will make up for years lost with them.

    My son was very young when we separated. I bascially forced him to keep visiting with his Dad even though he hated going there because of his lunatic g/f then wife. I knew there would be a point when he would be old enough to say "i'm not going", and that's exactly what happened. No one can say that I prevented him from going and he was able to make up his own mind when he was twelve or thirteen.

    Sometimes its better if you have less contact with the ex, however its not so good for the one raising them and having to explain why their father doesn't visit. He will live with his decision every day, and I'm sure he'll be regretting it. If she was any sort of decent person, she would encourage him to make sure he visits as often as possible.
    I'll second this. Great advice and it really does happen, but it does seem like a very long dark tunnel when you are going through it. And I will add, don't ever say anything negative about your ex infront of your kids (or let them overhear you talking to someone else about him). He is their Dad.
    Kids go for the bright and shiney right at first, but then years later, if they are allowed to make up their own minds, they will choose stability.
    My thoughts are with you sweet_lady
    Lil bit Good for you son!

    buglover What a terrible position to be in at the Holidays.
    My son's personality changed with his first serious girlfriend. But, now and several girlfriends later, he's back to his old self.

  7. #5687
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel;3755603;
    If he doesn't want to come to dinner can he stay in his room? I would not give in to this one either. But does he realize how toxic she is? Are you fighting him vs her too much - I have heard the more you try to change something, the more they will resist.
    We've talked with him about how much he has changed several times. His response is basically how can you say that when it feels so good??!!

    I wanted to break them up and stop them from seeing each other but I knew in the back of my mind he would end up doing more than just minor rule breaking to get to see her if I forbid it all together. I'd rather know where he is than have him sneak out again and try to see her everyday. I guess he is now at an age where he is going to have to figure it out for himself.

    I think the hardest part of all of this is he will protect her feelings instead of his own mother and again, I guess it is part of growing up. We are the enemies right now and maybe when he's 30 he will return to being the man I raised to be a good man.
    Yup, with donuts!!

  8. #5688
    Team DAN schmoo2's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    I have found if you put your foot down too hard, you may lose completely. our 17yo daughter was chatting and wanting to visit an older man she met online. We totally forbade it. She turned 18 and next thing we knew she had moved out and in with him. 8 months later she called us up to come get her. Secretly at that point as it was NOT a good situation at all. But she had to work that out for herself cause she 'knew what was best'. If she had told us then how bad it was, her father may have done something drastic too.
    after a few more years, and a few more losers - which we tried to be supportive of - she finally found someone who really cared for her, and that she could have a relationship with. Not just a caretaker one (most of her previous boyfriends had health, financial, job problems). A stable, loving relationship. Her self-esteem was returned.
    This one is a gem, and they are getting married next year.

    but up until 17, she was my best friend - it was really hard to deal with. I really don't have any suggestions, just putting it out there more as a warning I guess.
    No Rain - No Rainbows - Nextel commercial

  9. #5689
    Yankee Fan sweet_lady's Avatar
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    Thank you all for your concern and advise. I'm with you all who say it will come back to bite him in the end, when his kids are older and can't stand him. I just feel bad for my kids because they are going to grow up without a father. I know what its like growing up without a father and it sucks. But the best thing I can do for my kids, is love them and be there for them when they need me. Oh and I know not to say anything negative about their father to them or anywhere around them where they might hear. All that would do is make them upset with me.

  10. #5690
    MRD
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    Re: The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

    Better to grow up without a father than to have one that puts his own needs before theirs. Lots of kids in single parent homes without fathers turn out just fine. In fact, they can even grow up to be president.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

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