The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

[Columbia, MD]

I have a question. How does everyone feel about taking the doors off children's bedrooms? I am absolutely against having locks on their doors, of course. But do they deserve some sort of privacy? I've had a couple of family members remove their kids' doors - and I just don't understand - and, as usual with my family, they get offended when I ask why. I don't get it......

I remember this controversy from when my children were young. For reasons I can't remember, my husband threatened a couple of times to take the doors off the childrens' bedrooms. I was dead set against it, and the doors stayed in place. Of course this was a time when kids did not have computers and TVs in their rooms, so today things may be different. BUT we as parents have to give our children their privacy, with the understanding that they are not to lock themselves into their rooms at any time. We are still their parents and should have the right to enter their rooms after knocking, and they have the obligation to open the door to us when we do want to enter. And thus the children learn also that we parents are also entitled to our privacy, and if our door is closed, they must knock first.

We also have to hope that children are learning what we are trying to teach them, and that TRUST is a very important concept in this life. By teaching our children properly, we trust that they will follow our values. Not all will, of course, but we have to hope. Locking the door from either side is negating the two-way street of parenthood.

I know this sounds real serious, but the "door" issue has many components.
When they go through puberty, they don't want us to see them, and they are entitled to their privacy. It is only when they violate our trust thart we have the right to be more demanding as to what is going on behind that door.

And, on a lighter note, teenagers are inevitably messy. If you take the doors off, you have to look at the mess. If you leave the door on, you don't have to look at it. I learned that one early!!!

Hope this is helpful. From a parent of grown up kids and a grandmother.

[just1paul]

I have a question. How does everyone feel about taking the doors off children's bedrooms? I am absolutely against having locks on their doors, of course. But do they deserve some sort of privacy? I've had a couple of family members remove their kids' doors - and I just don't understand - and, as usual with my family, they get offended when I ask why. I don't get it......

Have we been watching worlds strictest parents? One couple did that for the teen they were hosting who lied to them about something.

[J.D.]

I remember this controversy from when my children were young. For reasons I can't remember, my husband threatened a couple of times to take the doors off the childrens' bedrooms. I was dead set against it, and the doors stayed in place. Of course this was a time when kids did not have computers and TVs in their rooms, so today things may be different. BUT we as parents have to give our children their privacy, with the understanding that they are not to lock themselves into their rooms at any time. We are still their parents and should have the right to enter their rooms after knocking, and they have the obligation to open the door to us when we do want to enter. And thus the children learn also that we parents are also entitled to our privacy, and if our door is closed, they must knock first.

We also have to hope that children are learning what we are trying to teach them, and that TRUST is a very important concept in this life. By teaching our children properly, we trust that they will follow our values. Not all will, of course, but we have to hope. Locking the door from either side is negating the two-way street of parenthood.

I know this sounds real serious, but the "door" issue has many components.
When they go through puberty, they don't want us to see them, and they are entitled to their privacy. It is only when they violate our trust thart we have the right to be more demanding as to what is going on behind that door.

And, on a lighter note, teenagers are inevitably messy. If you take the doors off, you have to look at the mess. If you leave the door on, you don't have to look at it. I learned that one early!!!

Hope this is helpful. From a parent of grown up kids and a grandmother.

Thank you - this is very helpful. It is what I've been trying to explain to these people. I'm not trying to be pushy - or tell them how to raise their kids....but I'm all about respect - and respect goes both ways. These kids (even the teenager) aren't doing anything to "deserve" a lack of privacy - the way I see it is the parents are so insecure and/or are afraid of being taken advantage of that they are doing anything they can think of to show these kids who's boss. (None of the kids have computers in their rooms - the computers are fortunately in the living room at both homes.)

I, too, am a mother and grandmother - so I've lived through that puberty and messy room stuff too. I remember when I was a teen and my mom told me to clean my room, my answer was "shut the door and you'll never even see it."

And no, Gabriel, I haven't seen the World's Strictest Parents - so it doesn't really apply here.

[ClosetRTWatcher]

I wouldn't even consider taking the doors off my kids' rooms unless there was something very serious going on. My teen boys have to share a room and they don't even bother to close their own door. We also do not allow computers in the bedrooms.

[Lil Bit]

Even though we had serious trust issues with my youngest son, it never crossed my mind to take the door off his bedroom.

[MRD]

I had a friend that took the door knob off so her daughter couldn't lock the door anymore. She still had a door, but she couldnt' lock herself in.
Another set of parents nailed the windows shut to their daughter's bedroom because she was brought home by police 3 times at 4 in the morning when she had snuck out.
I respected my child's privacy until she gave me a reason not too. So far in 18 years, she has not given me a reason too.
But part of that is that we have always been open and honest with her and so she has always been with us. She tells me things that none of her friends would ever tell their parents for fear of punishment. I figure if she comes to me, then it should be with the understanding that it's going to be a safe enviroment to do so.

[inthegarden]

How sad... without a door, what is there to slam after storming off to the room in a huff?

My children are young (6 and 9), but doors at our home are still in place and lockable (with the little safety keys above on the doorframe ledge). I'm even planning on letting the kids move upstairs when they're a bit older, to have more of their "own space".

Thank goodness for bedroom doors for teenagers! It kept me from yelling all the time, and great when company came over.(unless they went upstairs to his room)
When we moved, my son was around 9 and his new room was upstairs, after a few scary nights, he loved it. I loved it too. I didn't have to walk by and see the wet towels, sweaty sport clothes, smelly shoes....you get the idea. We had the key hidden on the ledge too.
We finally came up with the plan, that if he wanted me to wash his clothes they had to be in his laundry basket on a certain day, if not, he got to wash them. And I would clean and vacuum on a certain day and if his room wasn't picked up, he got to clean on the weekend before any activity. I did draw the line with no eating in his room, we all sat down to the table together for breakfast and supper. His tv and computer were in another room.
I believe in letting them have their privacy.
It has been fun to listen to him come home from college and fuss about his buddies and how messy they are.

[Columbia, MD]

[QUOTE=J.D.;3742190;]Thank you - this is very helpful. It is what I've been trying to explain to these people. I'm not trying to be pushy - or tell them how to raise their kids....but I'm all about respect - and respect goes both ways. These kids (even the teenager) aren't doing anything to "deserve" a lack of privacy - the way I see it is the parents are so insecure and/or are afraid of being taken advantage of that they are doing anything they can think of to show these kids who's boss. (None of the kids have computers in their rooms - the computers are fortunately in the living room at both homes.)

I, too, am a mother and grandmother - so I've lived through that puberty and messy room stuff too. I remember when I was a teen and my mom told me to clean my room, my answer was "shut the door and you'll never even see it." ....................


J.D. -- None of us can tell others how to raise their children. Try to remember how many times you've bitten your tongue when you disagree with how your kids are raising their kids. Whoever these people are they are obviously determined to do what they want to do, and will turn a deaf ear.
So why get into a stew with them and raise your blood pressure???

Yes, respect goes both ways, but each of us has a different perception of respect and all that goes with it. And, if folks don't respect themselves, then they don't understand the whole concept.

I am sure if you search your memory you will find things your parents did which you would never do to your kids, and vice versa. This is just my humble opinion, but if I were in this discussion, I would just politely turn away from further advice. Whoever they are, they don't want it and certainly don't appreciate it.

By the way, I just responded to your post on the Trader Joe's thread.

[J.D.]

J.D. -- None of us can tell others how to raise their children. Try to remember how many times you've bitten your tongue when you disagree with how your kids are raising their kids. Whoever these people are they are obviously determined to do what they want to do, and will turn a deaf ear.
So why get into a stew with them and raise your blood pressure???

Yes, respect goes both ways, but each of us has a different perception of respect and all that goes with it. And, if folks don't respect themselves, then they don't understand the whole concept.

I am sure if you search your memory you will find things your parents did which you would never do to your kids, and vice versa. This is just my humble opinion, but if I were in this discussion, I would just politely turn away from further advice. Whoever they are, they don't want it and certainly don't appreciate it.

By the way, I just responded to your post on the Trader Joe's thread.

Well, let me be more specific then. The 14-year-old was my oldest daughter, and she was staying with her dad at the time. Her step-mother didn't like her (something about how she reminded her of me....) so the discipline toward my daughter was harsh. She left at 15 to come live with me. I never had one ounce of trouble from her - especially to the point of removing a door.

The family with the younger children is my youngest daughter's family. I spend quite a bit of time with that family and have seen no behavior from either granddaughter to warrant taking away their privacy - especially to allow little brother to wander in and out at his leisure, with no restrictions.

Furthermore, although I've mentioned this to my youngest daughter - I was simply trying to understand what her motives were and ask her to take a step back and put herself in her daughters' shoes. But her decision is final, and I respect that. I was just looking for feedback from other parents to see if my perception was possibly skewed or if I may be missing something. I think if you knew me better, you'd realize I know I don't have all the answers, so I don't try to give all the answers. The only stewing I do is in my own home, by myself, and my blood pressure is fine, thank you.

I don't tell my kids how to run their lives or how to raise their children.

But thanks for the input.

[norealityhere]

JD, I empathize with you.
I certainly don't have all the answers on child rearing and, like most, have made errors along the way.
However, I just cannot see removing a door on a bedroom unless there is a very good reason to do so.
We all need a place to go to at times. And, that place should include a door.