The Oasis - A spot for FORT parents

[Duxxy]

aww Dag. That's so sad those poor parents.

sweetlady I'm sorry your situation is so frustrating. I have no advice for you either. Unfortunately "fair and consistant" usually only works when they are little, big kids with no past experience and no respect won't usually care enough to respond to that methodology.
For what it's worth I think your proposed restrictions are good ones. I once had a co-worker that brought her entire desktop computer and stereo system to work with her everyday for the entire summer to keep it from her 15 yr old daughter. The daughter wasn't following house rules, she lost the electronics but still used them while mom was at work so mom solved that in a hurry.

[Google]

 

[myrosiedog]

Originally Posted by sweet_lady

Any body got tips for punishments for teenage boys that work. My husbands 16 yr old son from a previous marriage keeps getting in trouble. He was living with his mother, but he got expelled from 2 different schools for doing drugs on campus, he was stealing the moms car to go see his girlfriend and by pot, then the last straw for her is when he got physical with her. So she sent him to live with us, (which I'm totally regretting because I don't trust him around my 2yr old because he's into drugs. I'm terrified my son will go into his room and find something and ingest it, I would go balistik and would try to hurt him.). But he's still getting into trouble with us by not going to class or turning schoolwork, sneaking out of the house at night, doing drugs, drank 2 bottles of my husbands alcohol, but my husband keeps doing nothing to punish him. We argue about it all the time because he steady telling me to discipline our 2yr old and I keep telling him how bout you do the same for your other son who keeps messing up. Then he always says what should I do for punishment then I tell him to take to the i-pod, the nintendo, and the tv out of his room, no talking on the phone, no hanging out with friends but then he throws the excuse that he won't care if he was take that away from him, so he keeps doing absolutely nothing. Its really starting to strain the marriage because his son is all we argue about because he continues to do nothing.

IS there anyway you can get your husband to agree to get his son in some kind of counseling?
And if not, you go. I swear that therapy has helped many, many people including me. If you can't get the person (stepson or husband) to shape up, then you go and talk to someone about your frustrations and hopefully they may be able to give you tips on what to do.

But you have your own son to think about.

And sometimes tough love is the only answer. The parents of this boy will have to suck up and make some tough decisions. I would. You just can't have him ruin your marriage because of his behavior.

Good luck and best wishes. I know this can't be easy on any of you.

[sweet_lady]

Originally Posted by duxxy

sweetlady I'm sorry your situation is so frustrating. I have no advice for you either. Unfortunately "fair and consistant" usually only works when they are little, big kids with no past experience and no respect won't usually care enough to respond to that methodology.
For what it's worth I think your proposed restrictions are good ones. I once had a co-worker that brought her entire desktop computer and stereo system to work with her everyday for the entire summer to keep it from her 15 yr old daughter. The daughter wasn't following house rules, she lost the electronics but still used them while mom was at work so mom solved that in a hurry.

My husband and his son claim that he was really strict with them growing up as kids (he has a 17 yr old daughter as well, but she's still living with her mom and isn't a troublemaker), but his parents seperated and then divorced when he was 12 or 13. And he's been living with his mom up until he was 16. So my husband says that living with her for those years ruined the discipline he instilled in them because she was never home. But I just don't see it how it could.

Originally Posted by myrosiedog

IS there anyway you can get your husband to agree to get his son in some kind of counseling?
And if not, you go. I swear that therapy has helped many, many people including me. If you can't get the person (stepson or husband) to shape up, then you go and talk to someone about your frustrations and hopefully they may be able to give you tips on what to do.

But you have your own son to think about.

And sometimes tough love is the only answer. The parents of this boy will have to suck up and make some tough decisions. I would. You just can't have him ruin your marriage because of his behavior.

Good luck and best wishes. I know this can't be easy on any of you.

They are actually in counseling together. They've been going for about a couple of months now. They were able to resolve some issues regarding his parents divorce, but he's obviously got more stuff going on inside that needs to be worked out. I'll probably seek counseling for myself as well because my husband doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from when it comes to him punishing his son as opposed to him doing absolutely nothing. His son is going to keep doing the things he's doing because there are no consequences for his actions.

I'm at the point where I don't want him living with us anymore, I know its wrong because that's my husband's son, but its the way I feel. I don't think I can take the fighting for another 2 yrs until he finishes high school (IF he finishes high school) if nothing changes. I just don't need the stress, I have a 2yr and another one on the way in a few weeks that I need to be concerned with.

I think my husband and his ex need to put him in military school so he can get his act together and learn some discipline, but I don't think it will happen.

[Duxxy]

Originally Posted by sweet_lady

So my husband says that living with her for those years ruined the discipline he instilled in them because she was never home. But I just don't see it how it could.

Totally true. He was at the age where he would have been held accountable for his actionsand understood them but there was no one there to enforce consequences. He got away with bloody murder and he has come to expect that same kind of apathy at your house. (this very same thing is happening with my 16yr old nephew) I'm really sorry that you are having so much stress when this should be a happy time for you. I say make him keep his bedroom door locked (but you and hubby have a key) so your toddler can't get in there, try to ignore his behaviour as much as you can (let dad deal with it) and concentrate on your growing family.
The boy could be feeling resentful towards your young growing family and his bad behaviour may get worse in the coming weeks unfortunately. Too bad you and your hubby can't sit down and hammer out a plan of action that works for both of you. Remove the bone of contention, remove the stress.

[Cheddar]

Originally Posted by sweet_lady

Any body got tips for punishments for teenage boys that work. My husbands 16 yr old son from a previous marriage keeps getting in trouble. He was living with his mother, but he got expelled from 2 different schools for doing drugs on campus, he was stealing the moms car to go see his girlfriend and by pot, then the last straw for her is when he got physical with her. So she sent him to live with us, (which I'm totally regretting because I don't trust him around my 2yr old because he's into drugs. I'm terrified my son will go into his room and find something and ingest it, I would go balistik and would try to hurt him.). But he's still getting into trouble with us by not going to class or turning schoolwork, sneaking out of the house at night, doing drugs, drank 2 bottles of my husbands alcohol, but my husband keeps doing nothing to punish him. We argue about it all the time because he steady telling me to discipline our 2yr old and I keep telling him how bout you do the same for your other son who keeps messing up. Then he always says what should I do for punishment then I tell him to take to the i-pod, the nintendo, and the tv out of his room, no talking on the phone, no hanging out with friends but then he throws the excuse that he won't care if he was take that away from him, so he keeps doing absolutely nothing. Its really starting to strain the marriage because his son is all we argue about because he continues to do nothing.

A couple of things ... I work with teens, though my child is not that age yet. I've worked with many who are "troubled". I'm not a counselor ... this is just my two cents. I know how stressful this is for you. It's hard to be on the teaching end and see kids you care about self destruct. Here are a couple of things we tell parents when they ask:

1) counseling is great ... I'm glad he's getting some. Check with his school to see if they have a teen AA or NA program (many do) and get him enrolled in that also. That way he can get help from/with peers. He may be doing drugs because he wants to fit in. He might find that he can fit in with others who are trying to stop. Different kind of peer pressure.

2) SUMMER CAMP. Away from home. The timing might be great for you if he can make it through the end of the school year. Your new family could probably use the break and he will likely want a break from the baby.

Go on google and see what you can find for at risk boys programs. A great site is
Troubled Teens Summer Camps - MySummerCamps.com
Behavioral Camps - MySummerCamps.com
I would also check this one out
Boys Boarding School for Troubled Teens - White River Academy (White River Academy) ... this is a 60-90 day program your stepson could start any time. They are there 24 hours a day if you want to call for information. They have a good success rate with high school students.

3) Ban on seeing friends, leaving the house, and doing anything "fun" such as video games, television, and listening to music. Not just for a week or so. Try until next school year starts.

Then try any of the following: Get some library books (graphic novels if he's not a reader ... go to your local library and ask the librarian to find some a high school boy would like), make him play cards or board games with you and your spouse ... or shoot hoops or play some other sport he likes (he will hate spending time with you instead of his friends at first until he realizes you're being nice to him), or try manual labor projects WITH him (not making him work alone as punishment). Such as your husband and stepson painting the garage or basement together on weekends, or assembling some furniture, instead of going out with friends. Make a LONG honey-do list for your hubby and he and your stepson can whittle away at it. He will likely grumble at first, but if you tell him how great the job looks, he might begin to feel proud of himself. Maybe he might take an interest in other projects and could do an apprenticeship program at his high school. This might help him stay on track for graduation. See what kind of work he likes and is good at. Many at risk kids thrive in this situation. They get paid plus they get high school credits. Again, check with his school to see what they offer. If they don't have a program as such, see if they will let him take an apprenticeship type class from a local tech/community college and count it as high school credit. Many public schools will do this (if you go and talk to a guidance counselor and principal about it ... and present reasons it will help your son and the school staff reach the mutual goal of your son graduating on time).

4) Take time out for you. Go out alone, or with your younger kids, just to relax and get away from stress. You're doing the best job you know how to do, and deserve some breaks.

Good luck to you.

[Duxxy]

*prints Cheddar's post and tucks it into my parenting book*

[Cheddar]

sweet_lady

A few additions to my previous post...

1) If you go the summer camp route, you might want to avoid the stigma for your stepson, and let him keep his dignity, by telling family/friends/his schoolmates he's doing wilderness camping for the summer because it is a hobby of his (and let him do the same). Most of these camps have an outdoor focus anyway, so you're just stretching the truth here. But odds are, since you and your husband are trying to do the right thing here and get him back on track, he will straighten out in time. You and your husband will forgive and forget any rough patches. Others may hold things against him. So I would avoid telling people he's going to behavioral modification camp if you can. He'll thank you later. UNLESS he wants to take the initiative to tell friends/family that he knows he has made some bad choices and is now doing what he can to set things right. BUT LET HIM make the choice of what you'll tell people.

2) If you plan to make an appointment with the school principal/guidance office to discuss staying on track for graduation and/or apprenticeships, you might tell them you are sending your son to a camp to get straightened out. This will serve two purposes. First, they'll take you seriously when you say you have a game plan to keep him on track for graduation. Second, this can put his future teachers on alert. If they notice him hanging out with kids he shouldn't ... or skipping class ... or seeming wazzed out in class, they can notify you immediately instead of waiting until conferences or progress reports. I've kept weekly progress logs for parents who were trying to get a kid back on track. We care too, so ask us and we are glad to help. It works best when the student knows that both parents and teachers care and are united in trying to help the student succeed.

3) With respect to building projects ... if you have the money, and don't have a playset in your back yard, why not have your stepson and hubby build a playset this spring for your toddler? Your stepson will have a constant reminder of something good he did for something else, and your toddler will adore him for making something great to play on. You can buy kits at stores like Lowes or Home Depot. Being a role model for someone much younger can be a positive thing.

Again, good luck to you and your whole family.

[sweet_lady]

Originally Posted by Cheddar

sweet_lady

A few additions to my previous post...

1) If you go the summer camp route, you might want to avoid the stigma for your stepson, and let him keep his dignity, by telling family/friends/his schoolmates he's doing wilderness camping for the summer because it is a hobby of his (and let him do the same). Most of these camps have an outdoor focus anyway, so you're just stretching the truth here. But odds are, since you and your husband are trying to do the right thing here and get him back on track, he will straighten out in time. You and your husband will forgive and forget any rough patches. Others may hold things against him. So I would avoid telling people he's going to behavioral modification camp if you can. He'll thank you later. UNLESS he wants to take the initiative to tell friends/family that he knows he has made some bad choices and is now doing what he can to set things right. BUT LET HIM make the choice of what you'll tell people.

2) If you plan to make an appointment with the school principal/guidance office to discuss staying on track for graduation and/or apprenticeships, you might tell them you are sending your son to a camp to get straightened out. This will serve two purposes. First, they'll take you seriously when you say you have a game plan to keep him on track for graduation. Second, this can put his future teachers on alert. If they notice him hanging out with kids he shouldn't ... or skipping class ... or seeming wazzed out in class, they can notify you immediately instead of waiting until conferences or progress reports. I've kept weekly progress logs for parents who were trying to get a kid back on track. We care too, so ask us and we are glad to help. It works best when the student knows that both parents and teachers care and are united in trying to help the student succeed.

3) With respect to building projects ... if you have the money, and don't have a playset in your back yard, why not have your stepson and hubby build a playset this spring for your toddler? Your stepson will have a constant reminder of something good he did for something else, and your toddler will adore him for making something great to play on. You can buy kits at stores like Lowes or Home Depot. Being a role model for someone much younger can be a positive thing.

Again, good luck to you and your whole family.

Thank you for these great ideas...My hubby and I will definitely be looking into some of the things you suggested...

[Bunny555]

It is now Friday morning and my 15 year old son and I have been going through a rough patch since Wednesday night. In fact we've barely spoken since then. He is an ADHD child. He was diagnosed as such many times over as I needed to be sure what I was dealing with. His school grades were always fair to bad until he reached high school where he has flourished. He is also a natural athlete and is on his school's varsity soccer and baseball teams. He was packing his duffel bag Wednesday night in preparation for his baseball team's first game today and as his mind does not pay attention to detail, I sat and watched him pack and said " Do you have your game shirt, cup, cleats" etc....I'm sick of getting phone calls from him asking me to bring him something he forgot to pack. Well he copped an attitude that I was nagging him and became foul mouthed; we do not speak to each other that way in this house. I brought the incident up to him last night hoping for an apology because as I pointed out to him, I'm quick to apologize when I'm wrong or have spoken out of anger and he just got silent which he never does. I have an 18 year old daughter and while we had our battles, none were ever this bad. I don't want this to go on but the more I try to get it out in the open to resolve, the more he withdraws and that is so not like him.

[DesertRose]

I know many of you have talked about a wonderful book for teaching little/young girls about their body. I think it was American Girl. Is there anything equivalent for a little boy?