Need help with domestic dilemna...what do you think?

I need some feedback on a situation! Please help!

Here's the problem: The husband just told me that there is an out-of-town hockey tournament this weekend (yes, four days away). He SAYS he doesn't care if he goes, but obviously he does or he wouldn't have brought it up, right?

Why is this a problem?...well, we are newcomers to the city we currently live in so we really don't know anyone yet (my husband is involved in his hockey team with some guys he works with). I am on maternity leave so I'm stuck in the house most of the time with two little kids. Since money is very tight while I'm not working, we can't really afford babysitters. The husband works long hours at a new job so we don't see an awful lot of him as it is except on weekends, and he is often on 24-hour call.

I don't want to be a nagging, clinging spouse but...for him to be gone the entire weekend really, really, sucks for me and the kids. The weather here is horrendously cold and both my kids are just getting over the flu (which I now have...I may get to sleep through the night one of these years :coffee ) so we can't really go outside. And anyone who has gone to the mall with two kids under 5 can vouch for this - it's no fun.

And most annoying - he says it's "up to me" if he goes or not. So of course, I am in a no-win situation - if I say go, then I have a veerrry long weekend on my own with the kiddies, and if I say stay home, then
:whip - you know.

So...what do I do???

Jane, I think you should tell him that under normal circumstances, you'd be fine with him going, but then list those reasons you mentioned why now might not be a good time for him to be gone for the weekend: you and the kids being sick, the money shortage, the weather, etc. He should be able to make the smart decision at that point without it feeling like "nagging".

I would ask him to stay home considering you have the flu.You need your rest.He shouldn't leave you alone with 2 kids while you're sick.If you were feeling ok it would be a different story and you could send him off and maybe invite someone to hang out with you for the weeekend(that's what I do)and then you would have negotiating tool for when you want time away.But when you're sick?No way!

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Originally Posted by John

Jane, I think you should tell him that under normal circumstances, you'd be fine with him going, but then list those reasons you mentioned why now might not be a good time for him to be gone for the weekend: you and the kids being sick, the money shortage, the weather, etc. He should be able to make the smart decision at that point without it feeling like "nagging".

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:yeahthat Words of wisdom from a man. Hope you feel better soon Jane

I think I would say, no problem, Honey that is soooo sweet of you to go. That way with just me here alone I can get some much needed rest. I will just pack the kids bags for you and make a list of things to remember. I am sure they will enjoy the time with you and the hockey games too!! Wow! How did I get soooo lucky to have a husband who would take the kids away for a weekend so I can recover from the flu and the kids get to spend some quality time with their father that they never see!! Oh thankyou thankyou for thinking of me! I can't wait to sleep in and curl up by the fire w/a good book! Your the best baby!!

Really, I would leave it up to him! I would never let him put the ball in my court in this situation. Tell him it is not YOUR decision and don't give him any guilt trip or reasons why he should or shouldn't stay home. Make him responsible for his decision he is a grown up and tell him so. Tell him if he thinks it is a good idea at this time then yes by all means he should go.

Men are more straight forward than women. If he says he doesnt care if he goes or not.. he probably doesn't (at least thats the way my husband is) The circumstances you listed above that are legit and not at all controlling or unreasonable. You aren't being clingy or nagging. Actually after you tell him the gravity of the situation .. just lay it out for him like you did for us, I'm sure he'll stay home of his own accord.

My boyfriend is the same as your husband Duxxy. He honestly doesn't care half the time about things like that. It's easier for him if I voice my opinion about a situation he couldn't care less about.

Obviously you know your husband better Jane. I agree with everyone else. Let him know why you don't want him to go, but let him know you don't want to tell him what to do one way or the other. If he makes the decision on his own, he can't blame you for it later.

I was snowbound/housebound with a new baby and toddler myself almost three years ago. My husband is a CPA and was smack dab in the middle of tax season, working 10-12 hours a day. I know exactly where you are coming from, m'dear!

***gives averagejane a big hug***

Tell him that at any other time you wouldn't have a problem, but with being at home with wee ones all week, you really need him on the weekends to give you some relief. (I'm guessing part of this is because you're feeling overwhelmed and tired and needing a break, especially with a new #2, I know I did!)

Maybe if he could help in arranging for a relative or friend to come and help out for the weekend, it wouldn't be so hard for him to go. But have him help do this.

Just a thought....

I agree with realitycrazedmom...ask him to help you find someone to stay with you to help you out.Or, as firegirl said, let him take the kids to the hockey tournament, if he's ok with that! All that aside, I am the only female working in a department with 80 guys, and I doubt this trip includes plans for children or wives to come along. There are lots of men I work with who have their yeary hunting week, baseball playoffs, and so forth that they take off together and it seems to be really important to them, and not something they feel could be replaced by going any other time.I know some of the guys have wives or girlfriends who always find a reason for them not to participate (not that you are doing this!) and the things they say at work sure don't sound like that stuff helps the relationship at all. If you are sure you're feeling sick and not just finding excuses to make him stay home because you know no one, make that very clear to him! Otherwise,find yourself a project; crafts or whatever that don't cost much or require going out, hang out at the FORT party, call in for pizza and have a birthday party for "nobody" or just do whatever!

Thanks, you guys. You're right, I'm not usually a clingy whiner (the husband does have an annual golf weekend with his buddies and he's always been involved in hockey), I'm just fed up. I know it's not easy on him being the only male in our household (even our cat is a girl) so I try to be understanding about male bonding time.

I'm a golfer myself and a hockey fan, but somehow the mommies never seem to get the same opportunities for extracurricular stuff *sigh* so I'm probably a little jealous of him, too.

Anyway, thanks for the support. I'm going to nicely tell him that I would prefer he skipped this weekend (BTW, you have me bang on, realitycrazmom). I'll let you all know what he says!