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Thread: Not having children by choice?

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    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Not having children by choice?

    Is there anyone else out there beside myself who is not going to be having children? (For sure) I do not want to be a mother and I get a lot of comments such as "You'll change your mind" or "OMG! Why do you hate children?" Or even; "You must have been abused as a child." I wish people would just respect my decision to remain childless and realize that I am not going to change my mind. For the record, I do not hate children, not at all. I just wouldn't be a very good mother, for many reasons. Anyone else not going to have children or didn't have children?

  2. #2
    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Marley, my wife and I decided a long time ago that we weren't having children. After 12 years, we've slightly modified that to "we're not giving birth to any children". Small difference, I guess.

    But the point is, it's perfectly acceptable to choose not to have children. And after 12 years, our family has stopped asking

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    COMBAT MISSIONS junkie! BravoFan's Avatar
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    Marley, I feel your pain. People really are so insensitive on issues that they should remain out of as they are personal.

    We used to get that question ALL the time. Now granted, we were trying to have a baby for 4 years and hadn't told our family about our infertility issues at that point (again, something I was not willing to share with them early on), but same concept of someone butting in where it is none of their business.

    Unfortunately, it's most likely going to take you calling them out on their inappropriate questioning. Come up with a handful of curt responses that you can give to these questions that somewhat politely, but sternly affirm that they are overstepping their boundaries.
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    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    I know several people who have no intentions of having childern and frankly I think that is great that they have figured out what they want and do not want out of life. Just ignore the rude people (they make comments about everything even if you decide to have kids there is something someone will find to critize you about)
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  5. #5
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    Marley, I applaud your decision. I honestly do.

    I haven't made my mind up for sure either way, but I know the fact that I've even considered staying childless has been a shock to some people. Even close friends who once echoed my reticence completely changed their tune once they became mothers. (And I say mothers because I haven't seen my male friends react in the same way once their children were born.) All I hear is "Oh, you HAVE to have kids. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world." Great. I'm sure it's eternally rewarding. I'm sure it has immeasurable benefits. I'm sure it has enriched their lives. But to ever imply that a life without children has no meaning (as many of these friends have done) is, in my mind, insanely presumptuous. I literally had one tell me "If you don't have kids, I pity you." What a thing to say. What if I find that I'm unable to procreate? Does that deserve pity? No. Empathy, sure. I just find it all so distasteful.

    So stick to your guns, Marley. If you'll be happier without kids, screw everyone else. It's not their decision to make.

    P.S. I meant to add that I find accusations of previous abuse to be just about the most ignorant thing I've ever heard.

  6. #6
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Marley, I applaud you for the decision. My sister decided that she didn't want to be a parent and people gave her grief, too. It isn't right...if someone doesn't want kids then it is their choice. Stick to your guns, eventually people will leave you alone.
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  7. #7
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Not to go all Oprah on you, Marley, but stick with the decision that feels right for you. Women today are fortunate enough to live in a time where procreation is a choice. Kudos to you for having the courage to assert that ability to choose.

    I know people's comments are annoying, but remember they are saying it for one of or both of the following reasons:
    1. They love their kids and can't imagine life without them. It's good to know that those kids are wanted, loved and cherished. Every child should be so lucky.
    2. They think that you would be a wonderful parent. Take their comments as a compliment.

    And thanks for reminding us parents to bite our tongues when we're tempted to make remarks like that to our childless family and friends!
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    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
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    More than likely I can't have kids, and we are alright with that. My friends are totally right with it, it's my DAD who keeps pushing the issue. And I haven't found the right way to tell him to drop the subject. :deadhorse
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  9. #9
    Princess
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    It's "funny" how some personal choises seem to be open for publical judgement and opinions. In few other areas dare people try to invade your privacy as in this particular subject. Sometimes one must wonder if they are trying to rationalize their own choise by putting down others, sometimes I wonder if they simply are envious of your freedom. They should really be ashamed of themselves, imo. Who are they to question your decision?
    The comments you said you got, Marley, would make me cut off the "friendship" with those people immediately - but that's just me, of course.

    The worst one I got was from a "friend" of mine who said that "well, since you don't want to have kids it doesn't matter that your b/f broke up with you" (of course she didn't say it exactly like that, but that was the gist).

  10. #10
    JR.
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    Drummer / Model JR.'s Avatar
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    I have absolutely no desire to be a dad, and understand where you're coming from Marley. I only get those comments occasionaly, but it seems to be a deal breaker on the dating scene a lot of the time.

    You know what you want and what makes you happy, don't let anyone tell you differently.

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