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Thread: Not having children by choice?

  1. #61
    Peeking In Duxxy's Avatar
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    I was thinking about family and mostly my grandmother and a repressed memory came to me ( )
    A family gathering.. in my grandparent's kitchen. I'm being grilled my my grandmother, aunt, uncle and my dad. (I was about 22)
    them:So, are you seeing anyone?
    me: I have a friend but its nothing serious (my husband )
    them: when are you going to get married and have kids?
    me: IF I ever get married I will let you know and I'm not having kids.
    my dear grandmother: not having kids? well, who would want you then.

    Thanks grandma, for pulling the evolution of women back to walking incubators. I remember I was miffed at the time, now I laugh.
    I think my response was : someone worthy of me with the same goals and ambitions.
    some people :rolleyes
    "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."

  2. #62
    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    oh duxxy, i can relate. last time i had lunch with my grandmother, she told me, "sherri, you need to go ahead and have children with sc." i said, "gramma, i'm in no hurry... i don't even think i want kids." she said, "that makes me so sad. you'll be alone with no one to take care of you when you're old."

    thanks gramma...

  3. #63
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    Here was my dad's response when HE verbally acknowledged that I was gay. (I say it like that cause everyone knew, but it was always a hush hush thing) This was when I was around 22ish, we're in the hunting trailer packing for a trip...

    "Ya know sissy (my nickname), you need to stop with this pillow talk and games and find yourself a man. Whatcha need to do to have a happy life is have yourself about 3 kids and stay at home with them. The husband is suppose to provide for you all by working 2 jobs. Now stop with these antics and find yourself a hard working guy to get hitched up with."

    I swear, those were his words...they are still imprinted in my brain. I was really incensed with him, but understood that he was/is a "lil bit country" in his ways. Also, that was about 11 years ago, when tolerance was still in it's infancy. Not to mention it was a lil country town in Michigan called Auburn.
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  4. #64
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Maveno, has he come around since then?
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  5. #65
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    I dunno Lucy.. I'm in California now, not alot of opportunity to talk about that stuff anymore. I'm sure he still has his beliefs, but I wouldn't know...cause we don't talk 'bout "that stuff"... lol
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    But, back to topic....

    I think for millions of couples that having children (or a child) is one of the most awesome experiences that they have had, or ever will have. I definately applaud those families that have found that happiness, and are succeeding in having a wholesome, healthy family!
    I'm sure that there are people or couples out there who never wanted children and "accidently" have them now, but after experiencing such a life-altering experience, that they find it a miracle and wouldn't trade "it" for the world. I think that's how people find their inner peace alot of times, simply by accident. I know I did...but for me, it doesn't include kids.



    *I re-read this and I really hope it all makes sense to everyone, I'm still trying to work off the effects of the sleeping pill from last night. blah
    ** By saying "accident"...I am in NO WAY trying to insinuate that ANY child "not expected or planned", is an accident.
    Last edited by Maveno; 12-19-2003 at 04:22 PM.
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  6. #66
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    I never wanted marriage or kids...I do enjoy my man (the same one for ten years--not a live-in!). I am also constantly asked about both of these! I had my tubes tied when I was 32 and have never regretted it. You are always going to have people think you're extremely weird for making a decision like that...people who don't know about the surgery STILL tell me It's not too late to change my mind and I am 43 years old! Folks are never going to drop this issue so the best thing to do is just sit there and laugh.I love my life just like it is....when I want to be around children I go visit one of my sisters-they have plenty. People say "that's not the same" and I agree and thank God one more time that I never got pregnant when I was younger, for me personally it would have been a terrible mistake.

  7. #67
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    It makes sense Maveno...I got you on all points that you brought up.

    As a word of "comfort" to people who are saying "I wish people would just support me not having kids and stop pressuring me or telling me what to do". If you do decide to have childern....people will still pressure you and tell you what to do. I have 2 little girls. I've been critized for how I got pregnant, when I got pregnant, that I worked while pregnant, how I gave birth, that I breast feed, that I used pacifers, what the babies slept in, how much they slept, how much weight they gained, when they had their first food, what they wore, when they were baptized, when I went back to work etc etc with the final insult being when I had a miscarriage I was told I did that wrong (htf do you do that wrong?) Most of the people telling me I was doing it wrong...weren't my family they were just people (inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors, old ladies on the street) who felt they were right and I was wrong and I needed to know. So someone somewhere will always be quick to tell you how wrong you are, no matter what you do.
    As long as you know you are right, who cares what those other people say.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  8. #68
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=nlmcp] As long as you know you are right, who cares what those other people say.[/QUOTE
    Amen sister! Sorry to hear about the miscarriage btw.... Do something fun with your 2 little girls today ! (maybe play "make a silly face" if you have a digital camera!)

  9. #69
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    sorry Queenie, I gotta be mean mom today. If they want to spend Sunday baking cookies with me they have to help with pet care, bedroom cleaning and tidying up today. Not to mention, I gotta figure out where all the cookie cutters, rolling pin, cookie press and other assorted items are.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  10. #70
    The new me! Feifer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    oh duxxy, i can relate. last time i had lunch with my grandmother, she told me, "sherri, you need to go ahead and have children with sc." i said, "gramma, i'm in no hurry... i don't even think i want kids." she said, "that makes me so sad. you'll be alone with no one to take care of you when you're old."

    thanks gramma...
    That is so wrong! As long as I am around, you will never be alone. Since women tend to outlive men, we can move in together like the Golden Girls after they are gone.

    I just want to say that having/not having children is no one's business but your own. I have two that I love dearly and certainly hope they are forever healthy and live longer than I do. I have known all of my life that I would be a mother. I actually ached for the day I would have children. I would be lying if I said I could not imagine my life without them. That does not make me a horrible person. I just miss my freedom and the spontenaity of life that I used to have. There is never a decision that I make in the day that does not involve my children. I can not just pop down to the store for a soda when I am out or see a movie on a whim. These are events that have to be choreographed to say the least. Girl's night out? Maybe once a year if I am lucky. Spend a day with my mom(shopping just the two of us)? Not since December 30th, 2002.

    Everything changes when you bring a new life into your home. A child, a dog/cat, a plant; they all have to be cared for in different degrees. I am bad with plants, but no one says that I have to have one or my life is not complete. I do not particularly care for the company of cats, but no one says that I will change my mind or I owe it to my family to get one. I am a grown woman who has chosen to build my own family that includes my husband, two children and a dog. I applaud people who choose to raise orchids. I do not have the patience for that. More power to the people who have a house full of felines. I especially honor those who choose not to have children. You are the bravest of all. People will say stupid and insensitive things out of shear ignorance. I may have been guilty of that in the past myself. I have come to see that no one is less of a person for not having children. I do not consider it childless, but childfree.

    If you are not aching on a daily basis to have children(and even if you are), then it would probably be best to consider not having them. Having children is a lifelong committment that is irreversable. While I enjoy a rare day or two away from my children, I would not trade them for that freedom and spontenaity for the rest of my life. I love my family just the way it is...always growing and changing; full of surprises. I hope that each of you will have a family of your own that you love as much. May it be made up of plants or animals or children or other childfree or childfull adults and every mix in-between. Find what works for you and be happy with it. Let others know that you are content in your decision and you hope that they will respect that as you do their decisions. some people are meant to have children and some are meant not to. It is all up to you. Either way; enjoy life!
    It occurred to me that no matter how bleak things might seem at times, at least I have a head. ----Stargazer

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