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Thread: Not having children by choice?

  1. #11
    everyone's a critic... holly71's Avatar
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    I used to get that question all the time! I don't get it so much anymore, now that I've been married for nearly 11 years & over 30. Unfortunately, I think the reason that people have quit asking is because at this point, they probably assume that I can't have kids since I've been married for so long & have remained childless. I LOVE babies, but I don't want children. Partly because I don't want to raise children in these trying times, partly because the fact is, I like babies & small children. Once they get about school aged, they aren't as appealing to me. I like when they are small & you can hold them & they will just cuddle up in your lap. I have a 2-year old nephew & we have fun with him; buying him toys, clothes, etc, but we don't have the day-to-day stress & worry that comes with actually raising a child. Some people may say that's selfish, but I disagree. It's just being honest. And, IF it is selfish, well then all the more reason that I shouldn't have kids!

    Little side note: when I was about 24, & getting the "when are you having kids" question on a regular basis, I got really pissed one day & told someone that I couldn't have children. She was all like "oh, I am SO sorry!" & then I felt like a turd for lying like that. I never did that again.
    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  2. #12
    Premium Member Yeti Long Shot: Porpoheus Champion
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    I have two beautiful daughters and a gorgeous, perfect granddaughter. (If anyone reads my posts you already know that!) However, looking back, (20/20 and all that...) I would not have had kids. Of course I love my kids, their husbands, etc. And I like to think I was a good mom. Well, I did the best I could. Their father and I divorced when they were 2 and 6. I'd never put them thru that again. And besides, I'm not particularly fond of children. Except my own.

  3. #13
    Peeking In Duxxy's Avatar
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    My husband and I decided before we were married that we were not going to have children. They are too much work, they change your lifestyle, and really sometimes they can be a bit of an inconvenience.
    I have no idea what changed our minds but we now have a 3 year old that we love to distraction.
    I applaud you men and women, married or single, who have made a concrete decision about how you are going to live your lives.
    If more people had the presence of mind to decide not to have children, instead of thinking that they have to and it's expected of them... because really aren't we just here to procreate? yeah.. ok :rolleyes, then we might have a lot fewer neglected and abused children in this world.
    I have had children come through my home that spent the majority of their young lives with me, not out of necessity, but out of choice. Parents who would rather take a $7/hr job instead of staying home on EI (unemployement benefits) making more money and spending time with their children.
    I get so many comments about my chosen career. (Daycare) "oh I don't know how you do it" or "it would drive me nuts to be around kids all day" and these comments are coming from the parents of the children in my care! It's astonishing how many people have children out of perceived 'obligation' instead of really and truely wanting a child.
    Stand firm ladies and gents, know that the idiot who poses the question is in the wrong and it is none of their damned business.
    I'm terrible I found 'when are you having kids' to be an inappropriate question.. so when someone asked I would turn the tables...

    idiot : so,when are you having kids?
    me : so, have you ever had a prostate exam?

    idiot : so, are you and hubby ever going to have kids?
    me : so, have you ever thought of getting an upper lip wax?

    it was the same when I was preggers:
    idiot: can I touch your belly (those who would actually ask first)
    me: Only if I can touch your's


    For family.. it was 'never, don't ask me again'
    "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."

  4. #14
    Premium Member Yeti Long Shot: Porpoheus Champion
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    Your post just reminded me. After my husband and I had two girls, I got endometriosis and was going to have to have a hysterectomy. I was 25 at the time. The doctor said if you plan of having more kids, do it right know. I guess the hormones would keep the end/osis at bay or something. So everyone in my husband's family had an "intervention" to try to convince me to have another baby. No lie, no exaggeration, they told me I "owed" him a boy. Needless to say, I had the surgery and he never did get a son. Just a houseful of girls between me and his second wife. And 20 years of taking estrogen pills everyday is so much better than the alternative.....

  5. #15
    Peeking In Duxxy's Avatar
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    OMG! They all went to bat for your hubby but what did he actually want?
    OMG JD I'm raging for you right now, how dare they try to make demands of your body and the rest of your life really!
    "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."

  6. #16
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JDHeninger
    they told me I "owed" him a boy.
    Screw them. You should've told 'em that if he was "owed" a boy, his Y sperm should've been faster. His fault.

    Jackasses.

  7. #17
    Lucky!! octobergirl's Avatar
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    This is not exactly the same, but I kind of know how you feel. My husband and I decided to only have one child. I come from a family of 11 children, and all my siblings that have children have at least three. So I used to get asked continually when I was going to have "more" children. I got the same kind of comments from friends, that I was being selfish for only having one, that I was being unfair to him for not giving him a brother or sister, etc. We made the decision that was right for us. And I've always wondered why some people feel it is neccessary to impose their opinions on others about the right number of children to have or even whether or not you have any children at all?
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  8. #18
    Resurrected chirospasm's Avatar
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    While being single takes this pressure off of me, I agree with everyone who has said people need to learn to just butt out. I've known people who were trying desperately to get pregnant, and even for them the last thing they want to hear is "when are you going to have a baby?"

    It is one of if not the most important decision in your life, and no one has the right to question your decision.

    Personally, I'll most likely be adopting, and people even question that decision. For gosh sakes, people, BUTT OUT!

    Okay, I'm done ranting!
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  9. #19
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    My husband and I had discussed never having children when we first married. We didn't shut the door on the idea completely, but we definitely weren't sold on the idea. Now we have a two year old that we love more than anything in the world. However, I have no doubt that we could have had fulfilling lives even if we had never had a child. It would have just been fulfilling in different ways. Different is not always bad or weird.

    My husband's aunt and uncle have been married for 30+ years and never had children (no infertility,they just didn't want to). They travel to the Carribean once or twice a year, go tour vineyards on weekends, have a beautiful home, and take gourmet cooking and pilates classes in their spare time. They do many, many things that parents either don't have time to do, or can't afford to do. It just depends on what you enjoy. We now enjoy parenthood, his aunt and uncle enjoy their freedom. They have no regrets and treat our kids and my SIL's kids as their grandchildren.
    My sister has been struggling with infertility for half a decade and I know that even if she is forever unable to have children (and decides not to adopt), it doesn't doom her to a life of misery.
    To be honest, some people shouldn't be parents for whatever reason and to be honest enough with yourself to admit that is a highly *unselfish* act. I commend anyone brave enough to stand up to the social pressure and stick to their decision. Only you know what is best for you and everyone else should mind their own business.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

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  10. #20
    Premium Member Yeti Long Shot: Porpoheus Champion
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaG
    Screw them. You should've told 'em that if he was "owed" a boy, his Y sperm should've been faster. His fault.

    Jackasses.

    I don't think they understood - but I told him I gave him two chances to get it "right" and he couldn't do it. (I think they skipped that year in junior high! - Oh and he wanted a baby, too.)

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