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Thread: Help! Need "parenting a son" advice.

  1. #31
    Premium Member Yeti Long Shot: Porpoheus Champion
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    Quote Originally Posted by ineedalife
    Thanks JD, one thing that struck me when I read your post was that yes, at home, he is a very good kid about boundaries. I have never had to "kid proof" my house, my kids know what fire is and how to respect it, he actually used to help me with a hammer when he was 2/3 yrs old which would make some people shudder at the thought of giving a kid a hammer, he remembers to wear his bike helmet, his chores, doesn't run away at the store, never colored on the walls with crayons, he's not aggressive, etc.

    Right on - sounds like you are a great parent! You obviously love your little boy a lot. It's amazing how they turn out so great. He appears to have good values and morals, and that is such an important part of his character. It took me such a long time to figure that out - good for you! All the best to you and your son.

  2. #32
    Peeking In Duxxy's Avatar
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    You don't need us ineedalife LOL you are doing a fantastic job on your own.
    Maybe he's testing his teacher and her limits/boundries. Who knows. Good luck with the counselor, I'm sure he/she will have some good suggestions for you. Keep us upto date!

    LOL, told ya I was a shameless busy-body!
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  3. #33
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    But I do need ya'll Duxxy! I feel like I'm doing something wrong! I can't get a breakthrough to what is going on here. Everyone is their own worst critic. Thanks for the reassurance. I just found myself wondering if I was alone here with an unusually tough little boy. It helps to hear other perspectives.

    I told the teacher the very first day that she cannot give him an inch because he is very intuitive and knows how to work things to his advantage if he can get away with it.

    Boys are very different. The more I learn, the more I realize they are a lot more complex than meets the eye (lots of love to you guys out there though!). They actually have it sort of tough if you think about it-internalizing their emotions, having to put on the macho fronts, defining their territory, can't cry or they'll look sissy, the bullying for position, etc.

  4. #34
    Premium Member Yeti Long Shot: Porpoheus Champion
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    I goes with the blessing of motherhood. Guilt. You never get over that. You are a good mom. Get used to it. If he's like his mom - you have nothing to worry about!

  5. #35
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    Wow, your son sounds exactly like how I was when I was that age. I'd do the same thing; just hurry through all the work so I could go play. I also got into trouble a lot because I'd get bored and do stuff to occupy my time that didn't mesh with what the class was doing. It sounds like your son is too smart for his own good, actually... that's what they used to say about me. Looking back, I think I may have had ADD or something as well, so you might want to get him checked out for that.

    That's all I know to tell you. I'm not a parent and don't plan on becoming one (at least not anytime soon), so I don't have that parental perspective... just the perspective of a former troublemaking child prodigy...
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  6. #36
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    How are things going lately?

  7. #37
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    Ok I know I am going to sound a little harsh and I apoligise up frount.
    I dont know what the problem is.
    He is a good kid at home and is getting excellent grades at school. He is obvisiously a social person. At his age he really isnt capable of seeing the big picture yet and as his teacher said he is very competitive as alot of boys especially those who are the oldest are, they are often taught that they have set a good example and this can translate to them that they have to be the best. I dont see that any of this is a bad thing.I definatley dont see any ADD behaviour. Considering the change in his home life he appears to be coping very well. Making a huge issue out things like this can sometimes make it worse. There is actually a book called raising boys I cant remember the author and i am not sure if its available in the States as I think its Australian. It gives some interesting insights into the problems raising boys.
    My son is 15 now and went through lots of changes in attitude and behaviour through the years that i just didnt understand. I think your son sounds like a normal little boy who is just trying to do his best. It sounds like he gets the attention he needs at home and also the positive influences as well so maybe he also wants the same attention and posative accolades at school and to him being first and drawing attention to himself is how he can get it. Be happy his behaviour is not violent and that he is not unhappy. I maybe completely wrong as I dont know you or your child so my opinion comes purely from having raised a boy into a very nice young man. I may be biased but other people tell me he is too. So basically after all this my real advise is RELAX he sounds perfectly normal

  8. #38
    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
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    Forgive me, I've just sort of scanned through the thread - but I wanted to add:

    Despite everything you hear, don't be afraid of pursuing an ADD/ADHD angle. My son is also 7 and we struggled a long time with "Is he just a normal/active boy" or "is there a problem we're avoiding?"

    There are strong feelings on either side of the ADD/ADHD issue. A lot of well informed folks will caution against medicating a child in any circumstance, and will claim the issues a lack of discipline or blame it on a poor diet. Having been through this very struggle, I think the ADHD angle is a very personal decision. I know it has been with us.

    We have done as much as humanly possible to avoid medicating a very bright, very intelligent and very loving child. I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's possible to go overboard in both directions - and choosing which side is right for your child is very personal.

    I'd be happy to disucss this with you via PM tho.

  9. #39
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    Eldee-thanks for inquiring-you're so sweet to think about me. I have a meeting with the school counselor this Thursday so I'll know more what direction to go (or they suggest I go). His first school was private and this is public school so I am not sure what to expect.

    And Lucynda, I don't think your angle was harsh, however, please know that while it might seem like I am making a big deal over nothing, I think it would be very irresponsible of me to just ignore an underlying problem now rather than later. I want him to grow up to be a responsible person and kuddos to you for a job well done. I can only hope that I can say the same several years from now. I wish I could RELAX.

    I have a classic case of parental guilt though, because I feel like somehow I am failing him (the changes in school and home environment add to the guilt too). Socially inappropriate behavior (making noises, disrupting the class, shaking his booty to get laughs), being so disorganized, having to be reminded constantly to do his work and stay on task, getting notes home and regular meetings with a teacher or principal and having them tell you that this is a problem is not something to ignore and from what I've been told, is not "normal" after a certain point. I get so many different and conflicting opinions with what to do! There is trouble beneath the good grades and I have to find the answer to it. I am fiercely afraid of damaging his self esteem along the way-if you were always singled out as a kid, don't you think you'd catch on sooner or later that it doesn't feel so good to feel so bad all the time? And really ask yourself, if you were in my situation and you had a good kid, making good grades (but with a lot of work and prompting), but misbehaving so much, could you really ignore it? Also, how do/if at all do you punish them (for talking or not following directions)? What kind of message do you send to them if you are passive about their behavior at school? I have run the gammet from harsh discipline to softer discipline and honestly, I saw worse effects with the harsher punishments. I saw him regressing. I have struggled with just letting him be himself, but the teachers are getting impatient with him. Yes, I am thankful, he is healthy and bright and a friendly person, but I also realize that it could get worse later, be it damaged self esteem, being attracted to the wrong things, giving up, etc. if I don't address it now.

    Bumpkin-it sounds like you may have some interesting insight. I will try to PM you or email you. Thanks a bunch!

  10. #40
    FORT Fanatic MalibuPam's Avatar
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    I don't have direct experience with your behavioral issue, but I do have 3 sons, ages 10, 8, and 6 (and a daughter, 4). Mine do not act up, but the older two are guilty of messy desks, disorganized work, and rushed work. I think that is fairly natural little boy stuff.

    My oldest also has really really really messy work. For years he's been criticized for it, made to constantly recopy work, been told he wasn't trying, etc, and it turns out that all along, he has actually had a learning disorder that few people have heard of, called "Dysgraphia." This is like the hand-to-brain version of dyslexia. He had the worst printing in his class (in spite of being the highest reader) but now that he is doing cursive, his writing looks like wild, overlapping, scribbled curlicues all crammed onto the page with no regard for lines or margins. These kids don't develop muscle memory for writing, and so each time is like the first time. And, I had to diagnose this myself, because in all the years he was learning to write, no one else caught on that this child had a problem beyond carelessness and sloppiness.

    This probably has nothing to do with your son's issue, but I bring it up just so that people are more aware that it is out there. These kids begin to avoid writing, because it is just so hard, and as they get into upper elementary grades, they quickly start to fall through the cracks. They resist taking notes, they answer test questions minimally, and they start failing out. I shudder to imagine all the millions of kids who have suffered this and no one ever caught on.

    He is in the 4th grade now, and is taking a handheld computer to school now to do all his work, from note-taking to spelling tests. He types as well as I do, and he's doing great.

    So, good luck with your son, I don't think you have any cause for parental guilt if you are looking for solutions, and I hope it all works out soon.

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