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Thread: Help! Need "parenting a son" advice.

  1. #11
    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
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    Oct 2003
    Quote Originally Posted by Duxxy
    Here is your seat belt... you have a heck of a roller coaster in store for you
    Thanks Dux

    Quote Originally Posted by Duxxy
    Maybe tomorrow, with the info you garner from the teacher some of us could offer some advice.
    Definitely let us know how it goes ineedalife
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

  2. #12
    I know someone w/a girl who has the same behavior as you have posted. She is incredibly smart and sweet but gets a bad score in behavior. They are having her tested for ADD just to rule it out. ADD children are very bright, and it is not a measure of intelligence it is often just that they can't concentrate on things that involve sitting still or rules that don't allow for them to do it their way. Maybe have him tested just to rule it out.
    I know she has also started telling her daughter that there is no reward for good behavior, exceptional good behavior yes, but she is expected to be good so no reward for that but there is punishment for bad behavior because it is unacceptable. She figured out what her daughters "values" are like getting to play w/the girl next door, watching a fav show, a fav toy, and at this age they now understand loss of privledges. So, if she gets a bad report and she asks for it daily from the teacher she loses a cherished privledge. It seems to be working. By getting it daily and an immediate loss of something she values she is learning to equate her bad behavior w/a negative result. In the mean time she is waiting for test results. I hope that helps.

    Your son may not equate principal or the "punishment" he gets at school as real punishment to him. He won't realize at this age the loss of friends or their dislike is a result of his behavior so he doesn't really see the consenquences of his behavior. So, by finding what he values most and making that a connection to his behavior at school then it might click for him and just work itself out. This is a hard age to explain a lot to them because school is sooo new. '
    My daughter is 6 and in Kindergarten and she just realized TODAY that when I drop her off each morning I go home or go do stuff, she thought I sat out in the parking lot all day waiting for her.

  3. #13
    80's Rule! karna68's Avatar
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    Mar 2003
    Columbus, OH
    ADHD is what I was thinking of, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. FG is right, it's not a bad thing.

  4. #14
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Aug 2003
    Playing kickball for the beer
    I hesitate to respond because I don't have kids. But I did notice you said your son gets good grades and is very intelligent. Perhaps he's bored at school? I mean, he may find the work unchallenging. I've heard of bright kids becoming behavior problems because they aren't being challenged. When I was a kid I used to get in trouble for reading under my desk when I'd already finished the work we were supposed to be doing. Or I'd miss what was going on because it bored me and I'd flipped ahead in the textbook to read something more interesting in a different chapter.
    So, anyway, that's probably no help. Good luck.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  5. #15
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Jul 2003
    On a Rocky Mountain High
    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy
    When I was a kid I used to get in trouble for reading under my desk when I'd already finished the work we were supposed to be doing. Or I'd miss what was going on because it bored me and I'd flipped ahead in the textbook to read something more interesting in a different chapter.
    Lucy, I used to get in trouble for that too I actually had a teacher say, "You don't need to read anything that I don't tell you to read!"

    Back to topic, if he is as well behaved at home as you have indicated, I would be hesitant to think that it is an attention or hyperactivity problem. I think that he would be hard to deal with all the time if that were the problem. Sounds like it is a school-specific issue.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  6. #16
    daydream believer oneTVslave's Avatar
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    May 2003
    in the hizzy
    I hope I am not out of line here - please forgive me if I am...

    I have no children, so I am not speaking out of my own personal experience. When it comes to ADD and ADHD, it seems that many teachers like to point to that as the problem. Unfortunately, what is usually suggested is that you put your kids on drugs to solve it. It does sometimes solve behavior problems, because the child is then in too much of a daze to misbehave because they are drugged. I have heard stories of parents being coerced into drugging their children by the teacher. I find this very sad. I am certainly not accusing anyone here of doing that or suggesting that, I just wanted to mention that in case you get any pressure from the school in that direction. I find it more likely, as someone suggested, that your child may just be bored in school because he is so bright. I am not sure what the solution would be, aside from giving some thought to changing schools or seeing if your school has a gifted program that would possibly provide a better challenge for him and lead him to pay more attention to his work.

    Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, ineedalife! I am sure you will come to the root of the problem and you sound like a very good parent.
    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
    - Albert Einstein

  7. #17
    FYI, At first, I was thinking of the same thing myself. I think that we agree that your intensions are good and you wanted only to be helpful.

  8. #18
    Hi Ineedalife,

    Your problem is very common. I bet if you polled all of the parents in your son's school, a large number of parents - especially single parents - would say that they are in the same boat. I raised two daughters (currently 16 & 18) so I have some insight on typical behavioral problems myself.

    I couldnt tell for sure from your post - I apologize if you mentioned it and I missed it - but I would guess that you are a single parent?

    The possibility of ADHD has been mentioned and should be looked into definately. But I also disagree with sentencing kids to a life of daily pharmecuticals to band-aid the real problem/s.

    Another idea, and one that I strongly reccommend, would be to get your son into the "Big Brothers" or "Mentoring" program, where he would spend some quality time with a dedicated man who wants nothing more than to mentor and help direct a young man.

    There is a gene in us men that makes up believe that we are the big cheese until someone else says "take your place in line boy". If your son doesnt have a father 24/7/365 he may very well feel that he is King Fizel and needs someone to show him how you have to earn your place in the pecking order. Sometimes its just hard for Mom's to instill this in sons - especially working mom's who realize that they already spend enough time away from their kids and instead want to spend their time loving their kids and not disciplining them.

    So I strongly reccommend the "Big Brothers" or "Mentors" programs. I believe that whomever they assign to your son will spend at least one afternoon or evening a week with your son. I also believe that it is a free program. I could be wrong on the specifics though.

    Good luck.

  9. #19
    The new me! Feifer's Avatar
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    Sep 2002
    It sounds to me like he is bored when he is finished with his work and needs something to fill his time. I know you said that he speeds through the work to get to the fun stuff. Maybe the teacher needs to make the work more fun or interactive. I know you can not control what the teacher does, but the child is not always the problem. A program for bright kiddos such as your son certainly should be available. I sure hope that you figure out a good plan and keep us updated on what is going on so we can benefit from it when finding ourselves in a similar situation.
    It occurred to me that no matter how bleak things might seem at times, at least I have a head. ----Stargazer

  10. #20
    Peeking In Duxxy's Avatar
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    Jun 2003
    looking for a deal on evilBay
    Seriously - who doesn't want to rush through the tedium to get to the good stuff?
    I can't wait to hear what the teacher had to say. OneSlave.. even if you don't have kids your opinion of false positive ADD (attention defecit disorder) and ADHD children are being drugged into a stupor is valid.. I agree completely
    Back to ineedalife jr. - I'm anxious to hear what the teacher had to say
    I know, I'm a shameless busy-body
    "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."

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