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Thread: I Need Advice on My Love Life

  1. #1
    dvm
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    I Need Advice on My Love Life

    Hi All!

    I need advice. My boyfriend and I are going through a tough time with my parents right now. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years now and things have escalated to marriage talk. We aren’t officially engaged because we both agree that we shouldn’t take to the formal engagement process until he’s met my parents. I have met his--- some of you already know how I currently feel about his mom (but that’s a different storyline in “my so-called life”).

    The kicker: I’ve been afraid to mention him as more than just a guy that I date to my parents because he’s a bit older--- okay A LOT older…. alright almost twice my age… alright the same age as my parents! I’ve decided that if I want this thing to go to the next level, I really just need to bite the bullet. I told my mother that this “thing” has turned serious and they should meet him, and now my parents and I aren’t on speaking terms.

    What kills me is that I am very close to my family--- and not just my immediate family, but cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I think that they are more appalled with my decision to date and fall in love with this man because that means that I have to bring around family functions and what not. And he’s no deadbeat either. My bf has a PH.D and is the most brilliant person I’ve ever met. He’s also the most honest, caring, most considerate and understanding man I’ve ever dated.

    How am I suppose to go through with this without alienating my family???

    I really appreciate your suggestions! Thanks, Guys!!

  2. #2
    Evil Slash Crazy Miss Filangi's Avatar
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    Sorry you're going through a rough time.

    Sounds like your parents aren't being supportive. I'm guessing you are old enough to decide who you can date and he sounds perfectly suitable for their little girl.

    Is there anyway that you can sit down with your parents and kind of talk things through? If they refuse to speak to you because this would be someone you'd bring to family functions and cause them embarrassment - well, that's really too bad.

    This might sound really contrite, but these things have a way of working themselves out. At least they realize this guy is important to you and someone you're serious about. Your happiness should be what's most important.

    FWIW, my uncle married a woman a year younger than his daughter. (He was long divorced by this time) My cousin, (his daughter) had a tough time with it and thought it was embarrassing, but no one else had a problem with it after they got to know my aunt. They've been married for about 7 years now and are seriously the happiest couple I know. When you get to know them, you realize how well suited they are for each other.

    Good luck and hang in there.

  3. #3
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    I can see that you really want to be with your boyfriend.

    But I still think that you should settle matters with your parents. Let them know and they will probably be shocked and hurt. Give time to let them cool down. Then have a heart-to-heart talk.

    I hope everything goes well.
    That's my two cents' worth. May not be much as I had also no dating experience but I help where I can.
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  4. #4
    dvm
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    Thanks, Guys!

  5. #5
    Leo
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    No advice I can really offer - but I hope it turns out well.

  6. #6
    CITY OF CHAMPS! aliasmq's Avatar
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    He sounds like the "SALT OF THE EARTH"
    Do you have a picture?

  7. #7
    FORT Fogey MollyRose's Avatar
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    When I was 19 I dated a man who was 50. He was also a great guy - caring, kind, intelligent. My mom was OUT OF HER MIND with worry, which I understood somewhat then, but as a parent I definitely understand now.
    If my daughter who is almost 19 brought home a 50-year-old boyfriend I would immediately assume that he was just after her for sex; that even if she thought she loved him it could never work out because your frame of reference is different for everything when there's a 30 year age gap; and that she would spend her adult life taking care of him as he aged.

    Having said that though, I know people with large age differences who have "beat the odds" and been happy together, and if you and your boyfriend are meant to be together,, you will be able to do that too. Your family will need some time to get used to this idea, and forcing them probably won't help. If you can gradually ease him into your family's circle of acceptance, and they can all see that you are happy and he is good to you, and your relationship is solid, then eventually they may be fine with it.

    Remember that your parents love you and want you to be happy, and at this point they may only be able to see the potential problems you would face with this man.

  8. #8
    dvm
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    Thanks, Molly.

    I really just want to be able to live my life with him without having to turn things into a big ugly mess. As you can already see, things are heading in that direction...

  9. #9
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MollyRose
    If my daughter who is almost 19 brought home a 50-year-old boyfriend I would immediately assume that he was just after her for sex; that even if she thought she loved him it could never work out because your frame of reference is different for everything when there's a 30 year age gap; and that she would spend her adult life taking care of him as he aged.

    If you can gradually ease him into your family's circle of acceptance, and they can all see that you are happy and he is good to you, and your relationship is solid, then eventually they may be fine with it.

    Remember that your parents love you and want you to be happy, and at this point they may only be able to see the potential problems you would face with this man.
    I feel the same way. I'm divorced and my 25 year old daughter lives with me, just graduated. If she came home with someone my age, I would "assume" the same things as MollyRose indicated. Been there, done that with the younger woman myself also. I'm just very protective of my baby girl and don't want to see her suffer any pain, heartache, etc, needlessly. From a parenting standpoint, this looks doomed from the beginning.

    However being the trusting, caring individual that I am, I would probably just state my opinion to the daughter, then back her all the way and be there for her. I also think the idea of easing him into the family circle would work, say like a cousin or somebody who your parents like and respect to let them know that "You know that guy Joe is OK. They were over for dinner the other day and man that guy is allright" type of thing.

    Good luck!

  10. #10
    Spiderman 2 - June 30 audiomaster's Avatar
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    I will say that you are in a 'stuck' situation...

    I can't take it... What am I waiting for now...
    (Singing)

    Um.. Sorry. Back to the topic. I will say you will have to choose 1 maybe ? Or you can talk to your parents, if they are willing to listen, or try to, and tell them about this relationship - where it is at and where it is heading. I hope your parents are the understanding ones.

    If this doesn't help, well... Maybe you should... (This is not the best choice) Elope with your partner.

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