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Thread: Funny Quotes

  1. #41

    "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. " - Einstein

    In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. -Woddy Allen

    "Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. " - Mark Twain

  2. #42
    FORT Regular Bonker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Dallas dahlink!
    Here's afew to keep ya busy. The name "Quayle" seems to come up a lot for some reason

    "I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
    - George Bush

    "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
    - Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

    "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
    - Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

    "Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is."
    - Ron Fairley, Giants' broadcaster

    "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
    - Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

    "We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
    - Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

    "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
    - Basepall Player Pedro Guerrero on reporters

    "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
    - Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister

    "Wait a minute! I'm not interested in the agriculture. I want the military stuff."
    - Senator William Scott (R-Va.) during a Pentagon briefing.

    "I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents."
    - George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
    - Brooke Shields

    "This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important."
    - H. Ross Perot

    "I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
    - French ambassador to New Zealand Jacques le Blanc, regarding press coverage of France's nuclear weapons tests in the Pacific

    "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
    - Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

    "Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally."
    - Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

    "All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath."
    - David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

    "My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
    - President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

    "The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
    - Gerry Brown, California governor

    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
    - Keppel Enderbery

    "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
    - President Gerald Ford

    The Internet is a great way to get on the net."
    - Senator Bob Dole

    "How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?"
    - (on Y2K) Al Gore

    "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
    - John Wayne

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
    - Dan Quayle

    "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
    - Rita Mae Brown

    "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"
    - Al Gore

    "Computers in the future may have only 1, 000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1 1/2 tons."
    - Popular Mechanics, 1949

    "Get your feet off my desk, get out of here, you stink, and we're not going to buy your product."
    - Joe Keenan, President of Atari, responding to Steve Jobs' offer to sell him rights to the new personal compuer he and Steve Wozniak had developed. 1976

    "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home."
    - Ken Olson (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society in Boston, 1977

    "640k ought to be enough for anybody."
    - Bill Gates

    "Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans."
    - Alf Landon, in a campaign speech while running against FDR

    "You can't just let nature run wild."
    - Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska

    "I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
    - Richard Nixon

    "We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
    - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

    "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
    - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

    "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate."
    - Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.

    "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
    -Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D, California)

    "If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."- Dan Quayle

    "We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles."
    - Governor Wesley Bolin

    "The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe."
    - Frank Rizzo, Mayor, Philadelphia

    "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
    - Dan Quayle

    "It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
    - Dan Quayle

    "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
    - Dan Quayle

    "(I want to) make sure everybody who has a job wants a job."
    - George Bush, during his 1st campaign for the presidency

    "How can a guy this politically immature seriously expect to be president?"
    - Franklin D. Roosevelt, Jr., assessing John F. Kennedy's chances in the 1960 election, 1959

    "Now that the president has admitted wrongdoing, he should resign."
    - Bill Clinton, referring to Nixon's impeachment in 1974, as quoted in The Arkansas Democrat, August 6, 1974

    "This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!"
    -Dan Quayle

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
    - Dan Quayle

    "Most of my cliches aren't original."
    - Chuck Knox, NFL football coach

    "I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
    - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
    - Dan Quayle

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
    - Dan Quayle

  3. #43
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    The mitten state
    wow, I feel alot smarter now.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  4. #44
    It ain't easy being green Wayner's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    But being blue is more work.
    Here's one I heard on the radio this morning:

    David Treadwell, former Denver Bronco kicker and currect sportscaster on a local Denver station:

    "I'm in a Bronco alumni association. We meet once a month every Tuesday."

  5. #45
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    right behind you
    A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. Arthur Block

    The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
    it. Franklin P. Jones

    "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or
    'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
    hemlock is poison.'???????" Socrates right before his death
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  6. #46
    COMBAT MISSIONS junkie! BravoFan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    At the FORT
    The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
    it. Franklin P. Jones
    SO true! I have a curse of not just being punctual, but usually early and spending time lurking outside in my car or driving around the block several times until the start of an event. ;(
    "They can only edit what you give them. They cannot manufacture a fictional character out of thin air." (Bill Rancic - 4/04)
    Regarding editing reality TV: "You can't edit IN a bad personality." ("Cali"-11/02)
    BB8 - A "conveyor belt of human garbage." ("Pono" - 9/07)

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