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Thread: Need Advice... Please tell me what you would do...

  1. #1
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    Need Advice... Please tell me what you would do...

    Hi, everyone. I've come here for some advice. I have a difficult dilemma. My fiance has a best friend (we'll say John) who has been dating the same girl for 8 years. I have become close with them both, in fact now the girl (let's call her Jane)is my best friend. We plan on being in each other's weddings next year. In the past, I have known about John cheating, but I haven't said anything because it would be breaking a confidence with my own fiance (he's the one telling me about it) and I wasn't that close to her back then. Well, he has started back up cheating (again, my fiance is telling me this and has asked me not to say anything to Jane.) I am struggling now... John and Jane have bought a house together, they plan to get married next spring, and now she and I are so close. Should I break my fiance's confidence to tell my best friend that her future husband is a chronic cheater? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Hmmm, that's a toughie.

    You should start with a conversation with your fiance, to let him know that you're not cool with the whole situation, due to your friendship with both involved parties. And that you don't think it's fair to Jane that you keep a secret that would effect their marriage.

    Now the question becomes, how would it effect YOUR relationship with your fiance if you were to spill the beans?

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    Quote Originally Posted by John
    Now the question becomes, how would it effect YOUR relationship with your fiance if you were to spill the beans?
    I think it would cause tension for a while, and perhaps he wouldn't trust me with info in the future. I really like that he trusts me enough to share things with me, but I don't know if I can keep this secret.

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    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    You should tell him exactly that.

    Explain to him the position you're in, and how you feel that marriage is sacred enough an institution that you don't feel comfortable letting 2 good friends go into it with this kind of thing hiding under the surface.

  5. #5
    Under Investigation Tirlittan's Avatar
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    I think the advice above is good. Also, they are planning to get married and that might also involve kids in the future. I think it would be better to clear things up before there are little ones there, what if Jane finds out about this in 5 years when they possibly have toddlers running around? It is much easier to just sell a house than it is to deal with a broken marriage w/kids. Talk with your fiance and try to get him to talk with his friend, things need to change.

  6. #6
    FORT Fogey
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    Having been on the recieving end of the cheating, I can say it hurt so much to know friends knew long before I did. But, to keep from effecting your own relationship perhaps there is a way you can let her find out without full on telling her?? She definately deserves to know. And you should tell your fiance this and point out how unfair it it to her that she doesn't. Perhaps he will confront his friend first and then maybe the two of you can tell him he needs to come clean with her or you will... it is definately a hard situation and just some fyi, she will probably have a hard time with your friendship afterwards. Not because of anything you do but because it is hard and humiliating and embarassing and it will be akward. So, prepare yourself for that. When/if she ever does find out and then knows that you knew it will also devistate her.

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    I am old...and have had to learn many things the hard way. One of the things I have learned is that other people's problems are none of my business. I can't fix the world and make everyone's life better.

    I know a lot of secrets...and have recognized that I know these things because people trust me. Betraying a confidence is not something to do lightly.

    What do you owe this girl? What do you owe your finance? and which is more important to you?

    I would avise you to stay out of it. It's not up to you to "spill the beans". You might feel guilty knowing what you know and not telling...but it pales in comparison to the guilt you will feel for being the catalyst in setting off a chain of events for which you will have no control.

    It's not your place to play god with this girls life...I urge you to stay out of it for your sake. You do not want to put yourself in the position of being the "bad guy". Your husband trusts you with these things because he feels he can...if you make an issue of this, he no longer will feel free to tell you "everything". Yes... sometimes we are better off not knowing...I wish I had a dime for everytime I have said, "I wish I didn't know this."...but I do...and somewhere along the line you learn not to judge people so much. It's not your job.

    So I recommend not being this guy's judge and jury...life has a way of sorting itself out. If she hasn't figured out in 8 years that he is a cheater...then most likely she never will ....and in the case, ignorance truly is bliss.

    Men are complicated creatures. Just because a man cheats...it doesn't mean that he doesn't love his wife or that their marriage isn't happy.

  8. #8
    dvm
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marysafan
    I am old...and have had to learn many things the hard way. One of the things I have learned is that other people's problems are none of my business. I can't fix the world and make everyone's life better.

    I know a lot of secrets...and have recognized that I know these things because people trust me. Betraying a confidence is not something to do lightly.

    What do you owe this girl? What do you owe your finance? and which is more important to you?

    I would avise you to stay out of it. It's not up to you to "spill the beans". You might feel guilty knowing what you know and not telling...but it pales in comparison to the guilt you will feel for being the catalyst in setting off a chain of events for which you will have no control.

    It's not your place to play god with this girls life...I urge you to stay out of it for your sake. You do not want to put yourself in the position of being the "bad guy". Your husband trusts you with these things because he feels he can...if you make an issue of this, he no longer will feel free to tell you "everything". Yes... sometimes we are better off not knowing...I wish I had a dime for everytime I have said, "I wish I didn't know this."...but I do...and somewhere along the line you learn not to judge people so much. It's not your job.

    So I recommend not being this guy's judge and jury...life has a way of sorting itself out. If she hasn't figured out in 8 years that he is a cheater...then most likely she never will ....and in the case, ignorance truly is bliss.

    Men are complicated creatures. Just because a man cheats...it doesn't mean that he doesn't love his wife or that their marriage isn't happy.
    Wow, Mary. That was very well said.... and I have to say that I agree with you.

  9. #9
    FORT Fogey mrpayroll's Avatar
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    Sorry I have to disagree. If this guy is cheating now, while they are still dating, it is guaranteed that he will cheat once they are married. It may not happen right away, but it is in his character to cheat and he will continue to do it.

    Do your friend a favor and tell her about the cheating. There is no worse feeling, knowing that the person you had planned to spend the rest of your life with, is sticking his dumb stick into someone else. I am a guy and this enrages me to no end. It's idiots like these that ruin it for the nice guys finish last guys like me!

    And if your husband can't see past the wrongness of his cheating and the covering up that follows, then too bad!

    In the end, it all comes down to the children. They will probably have children, he will cheat on his wife, she will be devastated and they will divorce. And really the only victims in all of this are the children. Another broken household with a single parent family. Stop the vicious cycle now and tell your girlfriend the truth. You and your husband may lose them as friends, but don't let their problems break the two of you apart!

    Chris

  10. #10
    Under Investigation Tirlittan's Avatar
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    I have to add that the reason I brought the kids up in my first post, is because I was a kid whose parents at one point almost divorced because of continuous cheating. I wished they would divorce, I really did, it was that bad for a couple of years. However, they cleared things up and are now (still) happily married. But I really agree with mrpayroll, it needs to come out before kids are involved, now is the time to work things out. I love my dad, but I will never forget what he did to my mom and through that to us all (including the result: my half/step brother, whom I have met maybe 3 times and he is 21 now I think). I really do not wish this to happen to any children, however "clean" it is handled, it hurts.

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