MrPayRole, you're definitely on to something with your comments and I totally agree. Yes, you don't want to look like the bad guy, but I would feel so much worse if I let them get married and then she finds out he's cheating and they divorce after having kids.
I was in the same boat at one time and I told my husband and his friend that if I heard about this guy cheating again, I would tell his wife because she was my friend. My husband told his friend the same thing that if they were going to be getting married he had to stop the cheating and my husband wasn't going to cover for him.
And the next time it happened, I told her. Turns out she was already pretty sure it was happening and was just waiting for the right moment to leave. Her and I stayed pretty good friends, my husband and his friend's relationship has cooled significantly.
Question 1: If you were cheating on your fiance, and his best friend knew about it, would your fiance feel the friend should tell him before the wedding?
Question 2: What is the worst thing that could happen if you don't tell her? I hear a lot of people mentioning divorce, but what if the guy gets AIDS from one of the girls he's cheating with, and passes it on to the girl? If he's being promiscuous, is it a health risk for the girl? If it is, is there any reason that justifies not telling her?
I, too, agree with Mary. Have you ever heard "don't shoot the messenger"? For some reason this happens. In my experience (and I am old, too) it is never, ever good and nothing good comes out of it when you stick your nose into other people's business. She will most likely end up hating you and drawing closer to him. If he's cheating on her, he's probably doing other things, too. (like treating her like crap, lying about other things and being possessive, etc.)
Geez, I hate giving any advice. It always comes back and bites me on the butt. And how many of us learn from others' mistakes. Usually, we only learn from our own. I say keep your mouth shut, and when she finds out and comes to you - just be her friend and console her the best you can. That's your number one job as a friend - be there and support your friends as best you can, even if they are being stupid.
Good luck. I hope some of us older (more experienced?) fogies can help.
Just one more note: men are not complicated creatures. They are very simple.
Sometimes people don't want to see what is in plain sight (FWIW) sometimes they just don't see it. So even if she does want to tell, it doesn't mean the knowledge transfer is wanted by the cheated fiance. Its one of those things that you just have to judge being in the exact situation. Unfortunately JJ there's no hard and fast rule with it, but maybe, just maybe you need to go with your gut and decide what spilling the beans is worth, and what the friendship is worth.
Originally Posted by JDHeninger
and JD. you are right, we guys are not that complicated.... I tell my wife that all the time, but it just makes her more interested.... go figure.
I also thought Mary stated her points very well and has a valid and convincing argument.
But at the same time, my cousin is dead from AIDS.
What if she thinks they are in a monogomous relationship, and possibly not using condoms based on that faulty assumption ... that's an uninformed decision that could cost her her life.
You can justify it by saying it's not your problem. You can say it would never happen to her. You can say your fiance's trust is more important, or you don't want to risk losing her friendship.
I wish someone would have been willing to risk their friendship with my cousin.
OK, I had an all out brawl with my fiance this evening over this. It got very ugly. He has told me that he will lose all trust in me if I betray his confidence... that we should mind our own business. One question for all those of you who suggested this yourselves, what do I say if and when she comes to me and tells me John's been cheating on her? Do I act surprised and lie? Do I tell her I've known all along?
Thanks so much for your input... it really helps.
The answer is simple, you giver her a shoulder to cry on. You also might be able to hint about it, but nothing specific... maybe to plant the seed of doubt.... thats the only 'noble' solution i can see.
Originally Posted by jj51574
I'm sorry to hear that you had a fight, but now it is clear to me that he is your fiance and not your husband.
Originally Posted by jj51574
My advice comes from some experience. I once had a close friend Steve (my oldest friend) who I met in 1975. He got married in 1983 and within a year was cheating on his wife. I didn't know her that well. But one night I came home from work and my dad had let Steve & his mistress in. So I came in and heard noises from my bedroom. Those a-holes were screwing in my bed. I got pissed and kicked them out. I was pissed that he was cheating on his wife and I was also pissed that he was with her and not with me (selfish I know).
His wife would call my house and see if I knew where he was and I lied saying that I didn't know. I hated myself for lying and after a couple of times of lying for him, I told him I wasn't going to lie for him anymore and that I didn't want to know when he cheated on his wife. As the years went by I got even closer to Steve and his family (4 kids who were my best friends). Unfortunately Steve was an alcoholic. I really resented him because he was good looking, could get the girls, had a great wife and fantastic kids and he was throwing it all away to alcohol. And believe me, he was a very heavy drinker and could get violent with his wife. So I was real close to him & his family from 1990 to 1995 and then they moved to Texas. I visited them 5 times from 1995 to 1999. But he kept drinking and couldn't keep a job. His wife was the one who worked and took care of the house. He died in May of 1998, due to choking on his own vomit while passed out drunk on the living room floor. I will always remember getting the phone call from his wife that morning at 5:30. I wasn't surprised that it happened, but I was sad.
When I went out a month later and I was outside talking with his wife, she mentioned that she had heard rumours that he had been cheating with a certain girl that they had both worked with in 1984. She asked me if I knew if this was true or not and I said yes that it was true. She was devastated and started crying. She had felt betrayed after being faithful to him for 15 years, working to bring in the money, taking care of the kids and the house and having to put up with his abuse. I told her I was so sorry for lying about it and that I had very few regrets in my life, but that was at the top of my list. But I could tell that our relationship was irreparably damaged and since that day we have only talked a couple of times. She has gotten remarried and 2 of the kids are over 18 now.
I couldn't have stopped him and his cheating ways. I'm pretty sure he cheated with other women during those years, but I didn't want to know. If I had told her back in 1984, she wouldn't have had to go thru the years of sacrificing her life for her family and then have the devastation of finding out that your 'soul mate' had been cheating on her. But then again, they might have only had the 1 child before the inenvitable break up. But in my 42 years of life, not telling her the truth still is my biggest regret in life.
I can put myself in 'John's' shoes and honestly say that if I ever cheated on my wife/girlfriend I would immediately tell them and end the relationship right there, because I wouldn't deserve to continue the relationship with them, no matter how much I loved them. But that's just me.
But I guarantee you, that in the future when she finds out about his cheating ways and then finds out that you knew all this time and that you didn't tell her, you will lose her as a friend and it will put a very terrible strain on your own relationship. It's best to confront this now and hopefully this 'Jane' is smart enough to know that you are her friend who was just trying to help her.
I agree with the shoulder to cry on, you don't have to pretend to be surprized and you don't have to lie, you can just let her talk.
Originally Posted by jj51574
As for your fiance...if you are uncomfortable hearing about the other guy's cheating, tell him not to tell you about it. That it makes you uncomfortable to hear about someone you know being treated in such an unrespectful manner and being in a situation that you can do nothing about it.
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