Jokes & Funnies

Don't recall seeing one here....so let's start now.

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
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Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!",
he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch
from the kitchen and yells, "For shit sake, how many times
do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was
Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who
woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the
coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher
from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma
Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn
table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned
the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food
dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry
bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen
with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only
going to say this one more time.

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F**KIN PORRIDGE YET !!"

:laugh :yay

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. So the gorilla thinks to himself, "Wouldn't it be funny if I snuck up behind the "King of the jungle" and slipped him the old sausage?"

So the gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his ass off.

The lion, however, doesn't think it's so funny. He lets out a mighty roar and takes off after the gorilla. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion is catching up with him, so he ducks into a campsite, pulls some safari duds off the clothesline, puts them on, picks up a newspaper and sits down by the fire, holding the paper up to hide his face.

Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. "HEY, YOU!" he says, "DID YOU JUST SEE A BIG GORILLA COME RUNNING THROUGH HERE?"

The gorilla starts shaking behing the paper. "Um - do you m-mean the one that j-just s-s-screwed you in the a-a-aass?"

The lion sits up with a start and says: "Holy Crap! You mean it's in the fucking newspapers already?"

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

Cinderella


Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived
a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3
wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy
beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy
Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does
your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like
of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to
fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke
"Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock
of bright blue electricity,she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me
nutered now, don't you?"

How many women...?

From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about
his past. "Come on, tell me," she asks again, "how many women have you
slept with?" "Honey," he says, "if I told you, you'd just get angry."
"No. I promise I won't," she begs. "Well, if you insist. Let's see, one,
two, three, four, you, six, seven..."

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical
examination the same day so they could travel together. _After
the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to
be in good health. _Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. _"After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. _And then, after I have
sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. _"Let me do some
research and get back to you." _After examining the elderly lady,
the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. _Do you have any
medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. _The
doctor than asked: _"Your husband had an unusual concern. _He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the
first time with you and cold and chilly after the second
time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. _"That's because the first
time is usually in July and the second time is usually in
December."
___

Can't let Perc have all the fun. My grandma just e-mailed me this one.

------

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.

Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded!

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants . . . you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

My pastor told this at church this morning.


"A pastor was visiting one of his elderly parishoners one day. As they were talking, he noticed she had a bowl of peanuts sitting on the coffee table. The pastor LOVED peanuts, and as they talked he would occasionally eat a few. After a while, the lady left to go to the kitchen and get them some coffee. While she was gone, he just started stuffing the peanuts in, and when she got back there were only a few left in the whole bowl. Realized how inconsiderate he'd been, he said to the lady "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to eat all of your peanuts." And the lady replied, "Oh, that's okay pastor, I can't eat peanuts. I just like to suck the chocolate of off them. "

:lol :lol :lol

Ewww Kylie, I think this one would have been more appropriate for your priest:
It is the annual hunting season in heaven. Only the Holy Ghost is reluctant to participate - every year up to now he has ended up with a shot in his bum.
God finally convinces him to participate and promises to watch over him carefully. But just towards the end it happens again: there is a shot and the Holy Ghost jumps around in agony, hands over his lower back.
In rage, God runs into the bushes and pulls Joseph out. "Joseph!" he screams. "Will you never be able to forgive what he did to Mary?"