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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #961
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Rattus:

    AMAZINGLY 'SIMPLE' HOME REMEDIES

    1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

    2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
    timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

    7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #962
    Ad Astra Per Aspera homeontherange's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I'm putting this here because it cracks ME up ...anybody notice the new Paris Hilton FAQs ad at the top of our page?! Think I'll go for one of those screensavers.

  3. #963
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Rattus....Hilarious!!!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #964
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Funnies from Rattus and misskitty again. heh heh heh

  5. #965
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by homeontherange;2706683;
    I'm putting this here because it cracks ME up ...anybody notice the new Paris Hilton FAQs ad at the top of our page?! Think I'll go for one of those screensavers.
    I noticed. Maybe I'll print it out for a dartboard. Naw. Waste of good paper!
    -----------

    (I tried to keep this PG13 )

    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

    Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your wxxxx was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new wxxxx that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

    The man perks up at this.

    'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

    The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

    'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

    'I have,' says the man.

    'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

    'She has,' says the man.

    'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

    'We're getting a new kitchen.'
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  6. #966
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Landlord Letters...

    1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

    2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

    4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

    5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

    6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

    10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

    11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

    12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

    13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

    14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

    15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #967
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Nosey, Dumb People
    -----------------------------------

    I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my Golden Retriever at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (DUH?!) On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

    Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

    I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #968
    Ad Astra Per Aspera homeontherange's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I got this email last week. I laughed so hard. I've ***'d out a couple words I didn't think were appropriate for our PG-13 site.
    FYI, I was in high school in 1977. Enjoy.
    -----------------------------
    The 70's were a bad time for clothes.

    Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:



    A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:



    Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:



    There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

    The clothes are fantastic.

    Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:



    Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

    Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:



    This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

    Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:



    This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against *****.

    Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:



    If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

    Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:



    He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

    How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:



    If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

    How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day



    Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

    In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.



    As does your search for chest hair.

    And this -- Seriously. No words.



    Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. ****. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

    Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?





    I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."



    And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."



    Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:



    I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:



    Man, that's sexy.
    ------------------------------------

  9. #969
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I remember those days all too well. I got married in '74, first child born in '76 so yeah, I was around for leisure suits, disco and the Urban Cowboy look. To my credit however I can say I never, ever owned a leisure suit. Now the plaid sport coat is a different story.

  10. #970
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    i have to admit, i remember seeing those pictures ... i loved browsing through sears and jc penney catalogs when i was a kid.

    can you imagine what people are going to be saying about today's fashions in 30 years?

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